Worst Behavior: Kenny Powers' Worst Decisions, in GIFs

Image via Complex Original

In the opening moments of Eastbound & Down's premiere episode, Kenny Powers informs the audience—via voiceover—that "When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball." As quickly as he was transformed from baseball rookie to MLB superstar, Powers watched it all slip away again—his doing, btw—when he walked away from the pitching mound in Atlanta and announced himself as a free agent. And as an asshole who likes to play by his own rules.

"Sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm," Kenny explained of his fall from athletic grace, which saw him bounce around from team to team—New York to Baltimore to San Francisco—and his pitching speed lose power with each move. Kenny's solution? Steroids!

After a stint in rehab, Kenny is a has-been as far as the baseball world is concerned. Though he's intent on making it back into the big leagues, he does what any other superstar-turned-wash-up might: becomes a gym teacher, American Gladiator-style. "Save the children" is the opposite of his approach.

High on ecstasy, Kenny realizes something: he's still in love with April Buchanon (Katy Mixon), his high school sweetheart and party girl-turned-teacher. And if When Harry Met Sally... taught the world anything, it's that a realization such as that one requires immediate action. So Kenny rushes to the school dance to share his feelings with April in a way that only Kenny can, telling her: "There’s one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it and that image—that one image—is your big tits.”

When April doesn't respond in kind, he asks that she listen to his dancing feet instead. If only he hadn't thrown up as his big finale.

Geeky co-worker and former classmate Stevie Janowski (Steve Little) has got a serious man-crush on Kenny. Which the latter uses to his advantage when he smashes his car. Kenny uses some quick thinking and drags an unconscious—and likely concussed—Stevie into the driver's seat, letting him believe that he was behind the wheel all along. Of all Kenny's bad decisions, it's the aftermath of this one that creates an even bigger problem: he'll never shake Stevie now.

Toward the end of Eastbound & Down's first season, all of Kenny's work back toward the majors seems to be paying off: he gets a visit from Pat Anderson, a scout for Tampa Bay, who offers Kenny a handshake deal. But a piece of paper is really the deal that binds, and after informing everyone around him that he's on his way back to the top (in that cocky way that only he can), Kenny can't bring himself to admit it when the deal goes south.

Not even April is immune to Kenny's unwillingness to come clean about the Tampa Bay deal. And she's ready to move there with him. As the two set off for their new life together in Florida, Kenny decides the only way to save face is to ditch her when they make a gas station stop. At least he has the courtesy to leave her suitcase.

With no baseball career to speak of and family and friends who will soon discover that, Kenny hightails it to Mexico—using Stevie's name and credit cards—and begins a new career as a cockfighter. (Stevie eventually shows up on Kenny's doorstep, believing that the $22,000 Kenny has charged to Stevie's credit card were meant as breadcrumbs.)

But Kenny can't stay away from the spotlight for too long. While in Mexico, he reveals his true identity to the local team—The Charros—and gets hired as their new pitcher. But a simple name intro won't do. No, Kenny wants to show his patriotism for the country that he loves, so makes a "Real American" entrance complete with fireworks, an American flag draped around his shoulders, and the sounds of Rick Derringer's classic tune (which Hulk Hogan used as his intro music). The fans are more confused than impressed.

In addition to showboating on the field, Kenny's got another task on his checklist in Mexico: to reconnect with his dad, Eduardo Sanchez (Don Johnson), who left him more than two decades ago. Reconnect they do, until Eduardo turns Kenny and Stevie in as fugitives in order to collect a couple of bucks.

After word spreads north that Kenny has re-emerged in Mexico, he is re-approached by Pat Anderson and fellow scout Roy McDaniel (Matthew McConaughey) about playing for the minor league Myrtle Beach Mermen. So he heads back to America where he's met with a pint-sized surprise: Toby, April and Kenny's son.

In an attempt to repair his relationship with April, he convinces her to let his teammate and new BFF Shane (Jason Sudeikis) babysit and takes April out for the night. It doesn't take long before the two of them are back to their hard-partying ways. The next morning, he wakes up to a note from April—"Sorry, Kenny. I'm not myself. Last night only proved it."—and a newborn baby who has been left in his care.

Considering what we'd already learned about Kenny's dad, the fact that fatherhood doesn't come naturally to him is unsurprising. But the mode of transportation he deems acceptable for the kid is: packed inside of a backpack, with a piece of lettuce for when he gets hungry.

When his attemtps to find April fail and Kenny's brother (John Hawkes) refuses to care for Toby, Kenny knows there's only one guy he can count on: Stevie. But in order to reclaim his sidekick he must go head to head with an old nemesis, car dealer Ashley Schaeffer (Will Ferrell), who is dressing Stevie up like a geisha and pimping him out on occasion. The fight for Stevie is not so easily won, but win they do. (Poor Toby.)

Kenny fancies himself a pretty big deal among his Mermen teammates. And while he's not thrilled with the idea of mentoring an up-and-coming pitcher from Russia, Ivan Dochenko (Ike Barinholtz) he does make the most of the hazing part of it all. Unfortunately, Kenny's ego makes it so that everyone's a threat to his career. And when Ivan makes it clear that he thinks Kenny is just a joke, the fight for supremacy is on.

Kenny Powers has met his match in fellow Myrtle Beach Merman Shane Gerald (Jason Sudeikis), who shares Kenny's taste for danger, drugs, and extremely young girls. Spewing Top Gun references left and right, they become inseparable. Until the evening that Kenny is too high and wrapped up in dancing to The Bangles' "Walk Like an Egyptian" that he doesn't see Shane drop dead right behind him. He does, however, take it upon himself to clean up the "crime" scene (mostly by snorting the remaining drugs), tucking Shane into a peaceful position on the couch, and stealing his truck, a.k.a. the Pussy Rocket.

You know that old sitcom trope where twins switch places during a date or some other important event to confuse people? Kenny tries out the same maneuver when he discovers that Shane had a twin brother, Cole (Jason Sudeikis). After taking the straitlaced Cole on a tour of all of his and Shane's favorite spots, Kenny drops by the dorm room (yes, dorm room) of Shane's former girlfriend to trick her into believing that Shane is still alive.

Kenny's rivalry with mentoree-turned-nemesis Ivan flares up on America's birthday, when Ivan decides to throw a 4th of July party to compete with Kenny's. And Kenny ends up with an empty room. So he takes his fireworks to Ivan's pad and lets 'em rip.

Months after having them arrested in Mexico, Eduardo shows up at Kenny and Stevie's door and it doesn't take much sweet talk for him to get back into Kenny's good graces. Particularly when he offers to babysit Toby for the evening and suggests that Kenny pawn the kid off on his mother, Tammy (Lily Tomlin).

After an awkward Powers family reunion, Kenny and his parents seem to be getting along well. Until Eduardo lets it slip that Kenny's just there to get rid of Toby (admitting that "It's super hard to be Charles in Charge when you're not fucking Scott Baio") then tries to make off with Tammy's valuables. 

Though Tammy reluctantly agrees to take Toby, Kenny realizes that he doesn't want that (which very well may be the best decision Kenny ever made).

In season one, Kenny knocked out the eye of his arch nemesis, Reg Mackworthy (Craig Robinson). No big deal, right. Except that in season three, Reg returns for revenge: he steals Toby.

All is right in Kenny Powers world. April has returned to reclaim Toby and he's got a sweet new deal to play ball in Texas. As he stands on the mound and prepares to strike a hitter out, it occurs to him that he'd rather be with April and Toby than standing here. As he walks off the field, the crowd boos. But Kenny realizes that, "For the first time in so many moons, I felt like I was in control. I held my destiny in my hands as sure as I held that baseball."

Cut to: Kenny Powers' version of a Cameron Crow movie. He's speeding his way back to April and Toby, with the radio blasting and the beer a-flowing. Then he drives right off the road.

The day after the news hits that Kenny Powers has been killed in a car accident, April gets a knock on the door. She walks outside and a bleach-blonde Kenny emerges from the bushes, explaining that he had to fake his own death so that he didn't have to deal with all the press that would follow him walking away from the game. When April suggests that Kenny could have just stayed in Texas and April and Toby could have come there, he is clearly taken aback—and hadn't considered that. So he simply responds that, "Um. No, I don't think that would have worked."

To be clear: choosing a life of domesticity isn't a bad decision, per se. But when you've got a personality like Kenny Powers', it's bound to become unsatisfying at some point. But at the beginning of season four, that's exactly what Kenny is doing: he's working as a rental car jockey while April is setting the local real estate world on fire. And they've now added a daughter into the mix. It's only a matter of time before Kenny's ego gets the best of them.

A chance encounter with Guy Young (Ken Marino), a former colleague from Kenny's party days who now hosts a popular sports talk show, serves as a potent reminder to Kenny that he was destined for greatness. And is currently not achieving that. So he sets about quitting his job at the rental car agency and cozying up to Guy to earn a spot on his talk show. It works. And Kenny quickly begins reverting back to his old, asshole ways.

With a newfound modicum of fame, Kenny can't help himself from spending every penny he has yet to make—and probably never will. Among his new toys? A wolf for his five-year-old son, which he proudly announces was purchased from a "Craigslist Indian."

Kenny Powers is back on top. After landing a regular gig on Guy Young's show, he's back to his old egomaniacal tricks—and writing off anyone who doesn't agree that he's the most brilliant thing to ever grace a television screen. Unfortunately, that list of naysayers includes Guy Young—Kenny's boss and the one person who can take all of Kenny's newfound fame and fortune away. Maybe...