10 Things Guys Can Learn From Watching "Girls"

Not that you'll ever truly "get" women.

January 12, 2013

Image via Complex Original

First things first: Yes, Lena Dunham’s polarizing HBO show—which makes its triumphant second season debut Sunday night—is called Girls. Yes, its four main characters—floundering writer Hannah (Dunham), uptight gallery girl Marnie (Allison Williams), free-spirited adventurer Jessa (Jemima Kirke), and virginal co-ed Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet)—are of the XX chromosome persuasion. And yes, said female characters spend much of each episode’s 30 minutes talking about guys and other topics that might be considered womanly.

But there are plenty of reasons why guys should be watching Girls, too (not the least of which being that the show is executive produced by Judd Apatow). Consider the show your Cliff’s Notes for understanding today’s 20-something woman (which all of us were or will be some day)—an inside track to the female mind that is daring to go places few television shows have gone before. Here are 10 Things Guys Can Learn From Watching Girls.

Written by Jennifer Wood (@j_m_wood)

10. There is such a thing as "bad naked."

Jerry Seinfeld learned the definition of "bad naked" when he began dating a hot blonde nudist who did everything in the buff, from eating waffles to playing Scrabble. When viewed outside of a sexual context, nudity can look, well, unattractive.

While Hannah Horvath/Lena Dunham has received all sorts of attention (most of it negative) for her willingness to disrobe and put all of her imperfections on display, her boyfriend Adam (Adam Driver) spends the majority of season one in only his boxers. To be fair, the two have a very active sex life and Adam does spend a good bit of time pleasuring himself, so maybe it's just a case of easier access. But like you, women like it when you leave something to the imagination.

9. Facebook is the lowest form of communication.

Social media is an acceptable way to introduce yourself to a potential paramour, but when it comes to real-life relationships, Marnie informs Hannah that Facebook is the lowest form of communication on the "totem of chat." It is followed by Gchat, then texting, then email, then phone. "Face to face is, of course, ideal," Marnie says. "But it's not of this time."

8. Urination is not funny.

When it comes to off-color banter, women can probably cross the line of appropriateness faster than you. (Hannah makes this mistake when she jokes that the man interviewing her for a job was a serial date rapist in college. Oops.) But, truth be told, we just don't find bodily functions as humorous as you do. Hannah makes this abundantly clear when her boyfriend Adam decides to pee on her in the shower. He thinks it's hilarious. She. Does. Not.

7. Your new girlfriend and your ex will never get along.

I'm not saying that your ex-girlfriend isn't totally open to saying hello or even buddying up to your new significant other, particularly if your breakup was a non-venomous one. But the chances of both your ex and your next girlfriend sharing the same forward-thinking philosophy? That stands about as good a chance as your next girlfriend being Kate Upton.

Marnie makes a scene at a party in Brooklyn when Charlie (Christopher Abbott), the boyfriend of four years she dumped just two weeks earlier, introduces her to Audrey (Audrey Gelman), his new girlfriend. Awkwardness ensues.

6. If you think you might be gay, dump your lady. Immediately.

If you are anything but 100 percent certain of your heterosexuality, please don't date me while you figure it out.

Hannah gets together with her ex-boyfriend Elijah (Andrew Rannells), whom she dated for two years during college, only to learn that he is gay. When pressed to learn more, he thanks her for helping him realize his sexual orientation, telling her that, "There's a handsomeness to you." Ouch.

5. No good will come of you reading her diary, journal, or any other private correspondence.

This includes texts and emails, too. Yes, it's tempting to sneak a peek into the deepest and darkest corners of a woman's mind. But I guarantee you'll read something that will offend you.

While Hannah and Marnie are out of the apartment, Charlie's friend Ray (Alex Karpovsky) takes it upon himself to rummage through the girls' personal belongings. When he stumbles across Hannah's journal, he can't help himself...but quickly realizes his mistake. Hannah writes about how unhappy Marnie is with Charlie. So Charlie and Ray do the only logical thing: turn Hannah's private confessions into a song, which they perform live on stage that night.

4. If you really want to know what she's thinking about, check her Google search history.

All-knowing Google is the one person a woman can turn to and ask any question, without fear of judgment or odd looks. A quick search of Hannah's Google history would reveal what she describes as her Forrest Gump-based fear of HIV; she has been known to search such topics as "Diseases that come from no condom for one second" and "Stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms."

3. An STD is one gift she won't appreciate.

With the CDC reporting as many as 19 million new cases of sexually transmitted diseases each year, we get it: STDs happen. But we don't want them happening to us!

Fearing that she has contracted something from her boyfriend Adam, Hannah gets tested and learns that she has HPV, a.k.a. genital warts. But when she learns it was now-gay ex-boyfriend Elijah who gave it to her, it looks like she owes Adam an apology.

2. Texting unsolicited penis photos will not turn her on.

When it comes to sexual stimuli, women are not as visual as you (which is why we don't share your love of porn). So don't text me a photo of your penis. Unless I ask.

After days of non-communication with Adam, Hannah receives a late-night photo of his penis via text. She's both grossed out and amused...until a second text arrives, apologizing for the photo, which was not meant for her.

1. Nice guys don't always finish last...

...but they do seem to lose about 90 percent of the time, as Marnie's long-suffering—and really, really nice—boyfriend Charlie discovered during the first season of Girls. After reading what Marnie thought of him in Hannah's diary, Charlie calls off their relationship, only to have Marnie beg him to take her back. Minutes after he relents, she dumps him again (in the middle of their makeup sex). There's plenty of Charlie to come in season two, though, so only time will tell if this lesson sticks.