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Last night’s Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne was about as brutal and filthy as you would expect. Stars like Amy Schumer, Katey Sagal, Wayne Brady, Jeff Ross, Seth Green, Carrie Fisher, Gilbert Gottfried, Tom Arnold, and host Jane Lynch joined forces to unleash their wrath on the former sitcom queen with a bevy of one-liners and cringe-worthy speeches. In fact, the roast was so controversial and foul that Comedy Central had to edit out a good portion of it, including Ross’ now infamous remarks about the Aurora movie theater shooting.
And while not every one-liner landed quite like the comedians on stage expected, a few of them hit flush like a haymaker and stood out among the mayhem. So for those of you who missed it—or if you just want to relive some of the hilarity—we’re revisiting The 15 Funniest Jokes from Comedy Central’s Roast of Roseanne. On a side note, even though we didn’t include it on this list, go and check out a video of Gottfried’s entire set. It was long, rambling, and absolutely incredible, and reading our transcript of it simply wouldn’t do it justice.
Written by Jason Serafino (@serafinoj1)
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15. Katey Sagal burns Roseanne.
“It’s great to see Roseanne back in the spotlight. I mean, technically it’s two spotlights, but you get the idea.”
14. Amy Schumer burns Barr and Roseanne co-star Sara Gilbert.
"You know you're unattractive when Sara Gilbert is the eye candy on set."
13. Roseanne says what we were all thinking about Anthony Jeselnik.
“You know the difference between Anthony and a gay porn actor? Well, judging by your looks and how much you sucked tonight, none.”
12. Katey Sagal just doesn’t give Wayne Brady a break.
“It’s also really good to see Wayne Brady. Wayne is where ‘kind of talented, kind of funny, kind of black’ meet.”
11. Roseanne lays some well-deserved abuse on Seth Green.
“Jane Lynch has vibrators bigger than you, Seth. The only difference is, they can give a woman an orgasm.”
10. Anthony Jeselnik masters the Roseanne fat joke.
“You had gastric bypass surgery in 1998, and then you beat it.”
9. Amy Schumer puts a disturbing image of Roseanne in our heads.
“I was surprised you were running for president. I just think a lot of people just couldn’t picture you, like, running.”
8. Amy Schumer coke joke at Carrie Fisher’s expense.
“Carrie, you’ve cut more lines than a crippled kid at Disney Land.”
7. Jane Lynch lays down some knowledge.
“I really don’t know a lot about Roseanne’s current boyfriend. Well, I do know one thing: He’s into fat chicks.”
6. Wayne Brady shows a little edge.
“Roseanne, you’ve overcome a lot to make it in Hollywood, and that’s why I love you: bad marriages, mental illness, plus, you look like Roseanne. You’re oversized, beat up, and you reek of marijuana. You’re kind of like Willie Nelson’s tour bus. Except people still want to ride that.”
5. Jeff Ross delivers a joke that actually made it to air.
“I’ve got to hand it to you: You’ve been tortured and abused all night and you’re still hanging in there. Roseanne, I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to the chair that you’re sitting on.”
4. Tom Arnold speaks from the heart.
“I want to say something about your boyfriend, Johnny. Johnny, I want to say this to you, man: No matter what, you’ve got to stay with this woman. She may not be the perfect wife, but trust me, she’s literally the worst fucking ex-wife on the planet.”
3. Jane Lynch goes pastry on Roseanne's ass.
“Now Roseanne, it’s not your fault you were attracted to Tom. You thought with all that white powder on his upper lip that there must be a doughnut somewhere.”
2. Tom Arnold explains Roseanne’s ink.
“Rosie—this is true—she actually had ‘Property of Tom Arnold’ tattooed on her hip, which made me the fourth largest property owner in California.”
1. Roseanne burns skinny lesbian Roast Master Jane Lynch.
“I guess I’d be thin too if all I ever ate was pussy.”
