Image via Complex Original
With Mario Kart 8 recently dropping in stores there's no better time to take a look at the most unique and endearing trait of the entire 22-year-old series.
That trait is, of course, your ability to use your randomized arsenal to virtually sacktap enemies, friends and family alike. Take a look above at the array of weapons Mario has at his disposal. He's an army on wheels ready to take out opponents via shell, Bob-omb, or squid. The item he decides to hit you with will be a beautiful combination of both luck and skill.
That's because anybody who's ever played the series knows that Mario Kart does an excellent job of balancing both. Your triumph could be another driver's tragedy. How many perfectly run races have you watched an adversary choke away on a banana peel? How many bad turns sent you from a victory lap to steering wheel punching disappointment? How many times has a squid spooged all over your screen sending you careening off a cliff?
Those are just a couple of ways to get screwed while karting, but the sheer quantity of race-ruining methods is massive. That is why, today, we decided to focus on the extraordinarily aggravating. The type of racing catastrophe that can stem from a glitch to really, really bad luck. We took hundreds of possibilities and whittled them way down.
Here are the Ten Worst Ways to Get Screwed in Mario Kart.
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Screwed by Accident
At first look the above video appears to show a brick wall becoming sentient and throwing a bomb onto a wide-open and obstacle free road. But, even though glitches happen, we'll bet the explosion was the result of sheer luck, with an unwittingly great toss over the fence that both stymied the leader and blew Bowser's reptilian nuts clean off in the process. Unless you have the reaction time of an NHL goalie, we hardly see how you can prep in time to avoid this explosive situation. Not that we're advocating excuses but if a neighbor threw a grenade over your fence and blew your arm off, we'd understand why you missed a day of school.
The Money Shot
What started on the DS quickly transitioned to the big screen of home consoles and just like that Mario Kart turned into a Khloe Kardashian simulator.
Screwing Yourself
The worst mistakes are self-inflicted ones. And anybody who's ever fired off a green shell knows that that thing has as good of a chance at ricocheting back at you as it does of hitting an intended target. For best use try lining up green shells on tracks without barriers. For worst use, see above.
When your own red shell hits you for no reason.
Whenever you fire a green shell you're testing your knowledge of physics. But when a Red Shell pulls a Benedict Arnold on it's master then we really know we've displeased the Karting Gods. It's not ideal but only by sacrificing a virgin will you be able to quench their fury.
Not that we're condoning suicide. #Lazycheapshot
Someone who's never played before activates Bullet Bill to beat you.
As I mentioned in the intro, Mario Kart has come close to mastering the skill/luck combo that makes the game fun. But there's balancing skill and luck and then there's "Hey, just put your controller down and let the game play itself." This slide falls under the latter category.
That's because my single biggest problem with Mario Kart Wii was how dumbed-down it was. Quick example: The skill of power sliding that Double Dash!! nailed was replaced with a system that was far simpler for series newcomers. Like the Wii itself, it was geared towards the casual audience. No item symbolized this shift more than the "Bullet Bill" which was commonly found in the possession of a terrible racer firmly entrenched in last place. I mean, heaven forbid you lap your little four-year-old nephew and talk some trash as you do. He's going to hear "Smooth driving there, fuck face." at some point in his life. It might as well be coming from someone he loves used to love.
You're driven off a cliff by an item.
In Double Dash it was the Chain Chomp, in Mario Kart Wii it was the just mentioned "Bullet Bill." You may think that this evens the balance out, but the above event is a very rare occurrence. However, the A.I. does give us pause about the future of "self-driving" cars. After all if you and your family go hurtling off the Grand Canyon, Lakitu ain't going to be pulling you guys out with a fishing rod.
Getting a crappy item in last (or near last) place.
You know how in sports a team that finishes with the worst record gets the first pick in the next Draft? Right, well Mario Kart takes that concept and brings it onto the virtual track. The idea is the same: Parity makes things interesting. Basically, leading the pack gets you a Banana and back of the pack gets you a Star. It's simple enough. But with randomization comes a chance for disappointment, like sitting in second-to-last and getting a lone Green Shell for your troubles.
Let's call it Mario Kart's version of Ryan Leaf.
Boo steals upside down question mark instead of lightning bolt.
Here it is, the one example we couldn't find a relevant picture or video example for. But the situation is so common that it shouldn't be too hard to explain for the few who haven't experienced it firsthand.
Let's say you're playing split-screen with three of your buddies. We'll call one: Bill, another: Bill and the third one we'll call...Bill. You're bringing up the rear, sitting in an embarrassing fourth, and time is winding down. You hit an item block and Boo! it's Boo. Now you can steal 3rd Place Bill's lightning bolt and make a miraculous comeback.
But what happens? Boo steals from fucking Bill! Bill with an upside down question mark item. What good does that do in fourth place on the last lap? So you lose, and the game pretended like it was throwing you a bone with a last-place Boo, but it was just a massive tease with a seemingly pre-recorded outcome.
It's like getting a crappy item in last except for a fleeting second it made you think you had a shot at a prize that could take you to first. That, in our minds anyway, makes it even more insulting.
Getting lightning-ed on the massive Wario Stadium ramp.
Thank you YouTuber Tigerfan31200 for perfectly illustrating this dicketry in action. To put this in perspective, you've covered five-sixths of this extremely long course before you approach the Mt. Everest of the Mario Kart world, a huge jump that clears a gap. If you miss it your punishment is redoing a third of the course. You notice one player has a lightning bolt on the split-screen, but hopefully he'll either:
A.) Not notice.
B.) Have mercy.
or, C.) Not kick a man while he's down.
Unfortunately, it's none of the above. And when you ask your buddy if you two have a problem you should know about he passively responds "Nah man, no problem."
The ol' Blue Shell at the finish line.
One of the most singularly satisfying Mario Kart feelings is lighting a rival up with a Blue Shell as the finish line sits inches ahead. Probably because the words "Fuck that!" are coming out of someone else's lips. But what's it like when you hear that spiky monstrosity coming your way? Well, imagine working hard to get really good at something, putting in the time and effort to be the best and as your moment of glory approaches BOOM! you get vaporized by a mushroom cloud.
*Re-reads sentence* Okay, that may be a bit dramatic. But Mario Kart 8 is finally giving you a way to combat this infamous difference maker. As heartbreaking as it is to have a race blown by the hum of a Blue Shell, it's also the ultimate equalizer (not including that stupid aforementioned Bullet). And even though we may eventually view this as progress, we don't want to be dragged into a world where these apex weapons can be rejected. After all, the look on an opponent's face when his masterfully run race gets erased on the final straightaway is the very reason we play multiplayer games to begin with.
