Ranking the Sadness in the New Trailer for “Men, Women & Children”

The newest trailer for Men, Women & Children just dropped, and if you thought the first one was a downer, you’re in for a big surprise with this next version. Averaging fewer than one smile per minute, this latest effort from Jason Reitman may actually outdo all his other depressing movies combined.

There is not one happy person in this entire trailer, and the ensemble cast seems to be hell-bent on one upping each other for most pathetic, bleak existence.

So who wins? Here’s a totally scientific ranking of the saddest people in this Men, Women & Children trailer, from least to most sad:

He benefits from only having to spend a short time with these horribly sad people, which means that he probably doesn’t have time to let the depth of their despair sink in. This is a good thing.

Posing for sexy photos for her mom definitely seems a little weird, and it’s hard to ignore when she shows up to someone’s house crying and with her makeup smudged, but all in all it doesn’t seem like she has it too bad.

OK, so your mom deletes your texts remotely. That is insane, but it could be worse; you could be your mom.

He actually seems like a genuinely cheery guy for most of the trailer, but as soon as he has to talk to his son (Ansel Elgort) things get very dark.

Taking sexy pictures of your teenage daughter for her “acting website”? That’s quite a strange “hobby.” She does get the one funny moment of the trailer, though, when she jokingly tells Norris that she has “installed a camera in my daughter’s brain and a seven digit pincode on her vagina.”

Never mind the “I quit on life” beard, which deserves its own 3000 word essay. Sandler’s normally-energetic voice sounds sad and hollow, much like the escort sites that seem to bring him his only joy in life.

Her wardrobe and facial expressions are about as bland and lifeless as could be, but even if it isn't with her husband, at least she’s getting laid.

Nobody plays uptight quite like Jennifer Garner. Those glasses are doing her no favors either, and it’s probably not a good sign for her parenting skills that she spends the majority of her time going through her daughter’s personal life. Ol' Jen doesn't realize that she isn't keeping her daughter from danger; Jen is the danger.

If you look up “emo” in the dictionary, all you should see is this guy’s face. Whether he’s blankly staring at his dad, a computer screen, his phone, or a girl across the cafeteria, Elgort appears as disconnected from life as humanly possible.