Image via Complex Original
"Friends with benefits" relationships never fulfill for their intended purpose: getting one's rocks off without any emotional commitment or attachment. At least in movies they don't. Why? Because both parties always let their guard down and live happily ever after. But "happily ever after" ends when you realize you're in a long term relationship that you weren't ready for and, thus, have to go through the pain and humilation of a break-up, not to mention the six months of wallowing and weight gain.
Don't get us wrong—we're still going to check out Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake work through it in their new rom-com Friends With Benefits (in theaters tomorrow). We just want caution you about the pitfalls of real-life, strictly sexual relationships before Hollywood makes you start irrationally seeing a FWB as anything other than problematic. If you're considering a Kunis/Timberlake-like fling, first consult our following Guide To Surviving A Friends With Benefits Relationship.
10. Know what type of person you are first.
Learned from: Magnolia (1999)
Complex says: If your favorite movie is The Notebook, you might want to skip the whole "friends with benefits" experience. You've got to be the guy who's able to hook up without emotion in a completely sober state. That's right, men with endless drunken hookups don't necessarily count because they're usually too hungover to process the night, and, therefore, are left with a faint, unattachable memory of their latest conquest.
In the words of Frank T.J. Mackey (Tom Cruise in Magnolia)... Well, just watch the clip. He may look like one of the biggest tools ever captured on film, but he knows about the distance and self-control these types of relationships needs. You have to be the guy who says, "Yes. No. Now. Here." If not for the unnecessary thrusting, this clip could have been your guide to a successful FWB relationship alone.
9. Avoid picking someone from work.
Learned from: Zack and Miri Make A Porno (2008)
Complex says: It should really be called "acquaintances with benefits." Everyone's been there: Someone's drunk and/or lonely, and then there's a weird make-out session in your office bathroom during the company Christmas party. This is perfectly fine if you've never met the person before; say, a friend of a friend.
It gets ugly, however, when it's someone you and/or your friends see on a regular basis. If things end badly, your friends have constantly check invite lists so you two don't run into each other. Imagine how worse it'll get once you become the subject of inter-office gossip and you have to sit next to her everyday.
8. Let her know what's up from the beginning.
Learned from: Friends With Benefits (2011)
Complex says: Firmly established rules are key here; you have to make sure you're both on the same page. Take it to the 21st century like Mila Kunis and make them vow on your iPad's Bible app that there will be nothing more than sexual intercourse between the both of you. Thou shall give the relationship an end date, promise to withhold emotions, not monologue a declaration of love at the heat of passion, and never text message unless it's for sexual inquiries.
7. Fight off jealousy.
Learned from: Entourage (2010)
Complex says:Let's get this straight: You start off as friends with benefits with the kind of girl who's down for casual sex, and then you get angry when she wants to sleep with other people? OK, so Sasha Grey did that for a living, but the point is: Don't have unrealistic expectations.
What Entourage's Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier) should've realized is that you have no say in the life of the person you're sleeping with, unless they give you permission. Sure, Vince called her his "girlfriend," but he did so without asking her, and at the moment he heard about her new porn offer.
That said, you'll never survive this kind of friendly relationship if you aren't willing to accept the fact that you're going to have to share your partner.
6. Avoid making any affectionate phone calls.
Learned from: When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Complex says: Don't ever call just to say "Hi," unless it's followed by the words "Get in my pants," or the more subtle version of "Come over." Doing so without any sexual connotation will make your lady friend feel like she's an integral part of your day, comparable to a morning cup of coffee or a bedside book.
A hook-up doesn't have to return your calls if she doesn't want to—deal with it and move on. The above clip of Billy Crystal singing "Call Me" to his chick's answering machine isn't a how-to; it's something to avoid. Sure, he got the girl, but it was Meg Ryan (as Sally), the girl who faked an orgasm inside a Jewish deli; meaning, a girl you can't trust.
5. Never cuddle with her.
Learned from: The O.C. (2003)
Complex says: If you look up "friends with benefits" in the bro dictionary, it's simply defined as "wham, bam, thank you ma'am." After the customary post-sex act of catching your breath has passed, it's time to get dressed and bounce. Don't get comfortable, and, for the love of all that's holy, don't ask if she likes to be the big spoon or the little spoon. Look at Marissa's face, in the above clip, after Ryan's accidental cuddle session—she's horrified. If you've fallen asleep after the deed, and you wake up in a loving embrace, here's what you do: panic.
4. Don't invite her as your date to any special occasions.
Learned from: Up in the Air (2009)
Complex says: In Up In The Air, Ryan (played by George Clooney) thought he met the perfect woman: like him, she traveled all the time, and she wasn't looking for anything more than a hook-up. Thinking they were good enough friends, he asked her to his sister's wedding, which led to them getting even closer and to him finding out she had a husband waiting at home.
Be realistic, guy; putting her in any social situation that involves your personal life is pretty much inviting her into your, and possibly your family's, heart, only to most likely break them both. You'll start mistaking your synchronized calendars and talks at hotel bars as a sign that she wants more intimacy, while she will become increasingly frustrated, confused, and consequently turned off by the clusterfuck of emotion the relationship has become.
It's also worth remembering that her benefits should not include slow dancing with your grandpa as she finds out it's not an open bar.
3. Never have sleepovers.
Learned from: Bridesmaids (2011)
Complex says: Focus on the first thirty-five seconds of this trailer. There 's an accidental sleepover, an awkward attempt on Jon Hamm's part to ask Kristen Wiig to leave, and a girl with obvious commitment issues. The only reason this FWB is still working? He's Jon Hamm; you, however, are not Jon Hamm.
Sleepovers are for couples who want to wake up next to each other and have brunch. But we're talking about the girl who, instead of kissing goodbye, gave you a high-five; she's not down for pretending you're the perfect companion for a croissant breakfast.
2. Keep seeing other people.
Learned from: No Strings Attached (2011)
Complex says: Your friend-with-benefits shouldn't care that you see other people, nor know the dirty details. It's all about keeping yourself open to the possibility of finding someone while still getting something on the side.
Seeing other people is a great way to ensure that you don't get attached. Yeah, it's awkward for Aston Kutcher in No Strings Attached, but "befriending with benefits" is about sexual chemistry; dating is for finding things in common and seeing if you can deal with her for the long haul. If a serious date doesn't work out, you'll always always have the comfort of a late night meet-up with your bed buddy.
1. Once any romantic feelings arise, end it.
Learned from: Chasing Amy (1997)
Complex says: If you keep looking into her eyes and getting lost, it's time to wrap things up. There was an agreement that no romantic feelings would be involved and both parties have to honor that. If you dwell on those feelings, and you let them grow, they're just going to explode in your face.
If you honestly feel the need to tell her about your feelings, and you think it's the real deal, hopefully you won't have as hard as a time as Ben Affleck does in Chasing Amy. Assuming the girl you chose to be your FWB isn't chilling at the opposite end of the Kinsey scale, of course.
