The 25 Worst Halloween Candies

Image via Complex Original

What's worse than trick-or-treating with no parents in a neighborhood zoned for sex offenders? Getting bunk Halloween candy, of course! Nothing ruins October 31st like a bag full of "treats" that you don't want to eat and can't sell to the fat kid on your block. Listen: if you want to catch bricks through windows, hand any of these out. But probably you don't want that.

Go on, bite into our countdown of the 25 Worst Halloween Candies.

25. Butterscotch Candies

Better Than: Slowly losing your hearing, vision, and hair

Do we look like we're 85 and shitting in diapers? Save these for the waiting room at the rest home, old man.

24. Whoppers

Better Than: Coat hangers

Few things divide the nation more than these chocolate-coated malted milk balls. Maybe abortion. Unless you want your crib to be firebombed, keep these in your pantry.

23. Chewing Gum

Better Than: Watching your ex have better sex than the wack shit you gave her right before you broke up

How thoughtful of you to go to all the trouble of digging down into the bottom of your purse for us! Really, you're too kind.

22. Root Beer Barrels

Better Than: Syphilitic madness

All soda-flavored candies are really a fail. The suits will never understand that we crave the carbonation. It's not like people go around drinking corn syrup. No; we want the fizz. Now take this candy and go kill yourself.

21. Peanut Chews

Better Than: Fifty lashes

This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here's the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.

20. Strawberry Hard Candies

Better Than: Rather than guiding you to the right vocational school, your guidance teacher molesting you and the secretary pretending not to hear

These candies suck, literally and figuratively. The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center. We don't ever want to feel this way again.

19. Sixlets

Better Than: Losing interest in your partner's body; weeping about it regularly

M&M's without the M's. Nice to know you care enough to go bootleg.

18. Mary Janes

Better Than: Delirium tremens 

Straight up: these should be weed. We're in love with Mary Jane, not Mary Janes. We kick this hoe to the curb while we sing our Rick James-penned anthem softly and to ourselves. The candy can't hear.

17. Tootsie FlavorRoll Twisties

Better Than: The bank taking the farm

No one asked for these. No one. And yet they were forced on us. The tyranny of the Tootsie Roll corporation is legendary. OWS!

16. Boston Baked Beans

Better Than: Not understanding that your grade-school friend is severely allergic to peanuts; accidentally killing him

Why are sugar-coated peanuts called Boston Baked Beans? This has to be the most baffling candy name of all time. We're so confused, we're going to hurt someone. Law books will be written explaining the "Boston Baked Beans defense." We'll go to jail, but you'll never forget.

15. Peppermint Hard Candies

Better Than: Your parents blaming you for their divorce

These mints are like the gift that keeps on giving—somebody dumps them on you around Christmas and you're still trying to pawn them off on other people come fall.

14. Crows

Better Than: Apartheid

Why is it that the BLACK licorice always tastes horrible? And why is this mascot the shuckin'?

13. Candy Buttons

Better Than: Eating lead paint chips as an infant, before you know any better

Tiny rainbow colored sugar candies that you inevitably eat with bits of the very paper they're stuck to! If you're gonna give us a sheet of something, make it LSD, please.

12. Orange Slices

Better Than: Burning your frozen pizza

The fuck does this look like, halftime at a youth soccer game? Unless we're suffering from some sort of non-diabetic scurvy, we have absolutely no use for these wedges of sugar-coated shittiness. Save 'em for your dessert casserole, 'kay, Grandma?

11. Good & Plenty

Better Than: An unwanted enema

They may look like Mother's Little Helper, but the only thing these repulsive, pill-looking, candy-coated black licorices help her to do is get you to swear off sweets and eat your broccoli. More like Evil & Plenty.

10. Candy Corn

Better Than: Dementia

It's an autumnal blend of sugar, corn syrup, water, fondant, and marshmallows, and a Halloween staple, but the only time you'll find this corn in our stool is when we drop a deuce in a bowl of them.

9. Jawbreakers

Better Than: Dying old and alone in a retirement home, forgotten by your entire family

Halloween is about stuffing your face with a variety of candies as rapidly as possible until you overdose on sugar. What gives with a candy that takes an hour to eat? What fucking sense does that make? We hope that you choke, little old lady down the street that gave us this bullshit. We hope that you choke.

8. Wax Coke Bottles

Better Than: Anti-freeze—you drinking it

There's nothing so refreshing as biting the top off of one of these wax Coke bottles and sipping on some intensely sugary syrup. They're good to the last drop—that being when you drop dead of diabetes.

7. Licorice Bites

Better Than: Contracting leprosy from a toilet seat

You know that insulation for electrical cords? It's made out of these.

6. Wax Lips

Better Than: The kid in the wheelchair robbing you of your pants in front of the entire school

They're not even candy, you assholes! Or are they? We can't count how many times we took a bite out of these thinking maybe we were just confused and they are edible. Instead of giving these out, how about you pop 'em in your mouth and just kiss our ass.

5. Mallo Cups

Better Than: Being born ugly

The Associated Press, in a story about the maker of this candy, described Mallos Cups as such: "coconut-laced milk chocolate cups filled with a marshmallow center." It's pretty weird that they didn't mention all the shit that goes into them, right? Literal shit. That's what we taste when we eat them. And how are you gonna lace your shit with coconut and not tell us? That's criminal.

4. Raisins

Better Than: Rhinoplasty

What, you didn't have any pennies to give us, you old bitty? We're gonna stomp you out whilst singing "Singing in the Rain." Get the reference, old timer? Tap dancing on yo' face!

3. Circus Peanuts

Better Than: Losing your entire family in a housefire

It's a fact that you can successfully ship the most fragile of china in circus peanuts. Come on, people, these aren't edible. More than anything else on this list (and we're including what's about to come next), these will hurt you. How could these unholy, peanut-shaped marshmallow candies be anything other than one more item shaving years off your life?

2. Razor Blades

Better Than: Having to hurt your childhood dog

Hey, it's supposed to be a trick or a treat, not both! Of all the horrible surprise candy centers, this is definitely our least favorite. Unless somebody else is consuming it, in which case it's hilaaaaaaarious!

1. Necco Wafers

Better Than: Being told you're HIV positive on the night before you take a trip to Disneyland

Good news for the three Necco Wafers fans out there: Since last year, the chalk candy has been all-natural. Yep, ingredients like red beet juice, purple cabbage, and cocoa powder leaves are now used for a healthier treat. Know what else is all-natural? The eggs that'll be fired at your house if you try to give these out. We fucking hate you, Necco Wafers.