The 10 Types of People You See Shopping at Wal-Mart

The old saying about wild animals is that they are "more scared of you than you are of them." The same is true of the guy from high school you haven't seen in five years. No one enjoys awkward conversation with someone they barely knew in secondary school. The problem is that society dictates that if you catch each others' eyes as you're both rummaging through the bargain DVD section, then you have to make awkward conversation. Whether you talk about what job you're doing now, what school you went to, or whether or not you're married (btw, they're always married), this will be the most painful five minutes of your day. It is best for everyone involved if you take a detour by the bakery section to see if they have any free samples and then return to the scene of the sighting after a few minutes, giving your old acquaintance time to pretend they didn't see you and shuffle off to the cash register.

As long as there have been Wal-Marts, there have been bored teenagers wandering through them causing trouble. It never ceases to amaze us. With every new class of delinquent middle-schoolers, there is a new set of long-haired kids in hoodies trying to walk out through the automatic doors undetected, toting sunglasses, DVDs, and all manner of other things they don't really need anyway. You would think that by now teen criminals would have evolved. Whereas actual criminals develop more sophisticated theiving schemes over time, teens will go for the "stuff-it-under-your-hoodie-and-run" plan until the end of time. This strategy almost always fails. Unfortunately, the culprits very rarely get the punishment pictured above. Sure, this sentence might reduce crime, but that's not why we love it. We just think the theivery sandwich board is hilarious. Our Wal-Mart trips would be infinitely more enjoyable if we could see scores of sad teens spending their weekend being mocked for their crimes in the public square.

Whatever advancements feminism has made in recent decades apparently don't extend to the shopping cart. Though in 2013 we trying to break down traditional gender roles, you are bound to see a father who looks about as uncomfortable behind a shopping cart as a nun with a jackhammer every time you walk into Wal-Mart. His eyes flutter rapid-fire from product to product as he scans the shelves looking for the thing he knows deep down is in another aisle as his children keep a lose orbit around him, grabbing at random items here and there with no fear of discipline. There are never enough fruits and vegetables in his cart. There are always a bag or two more potato chips than there should be. Is that ... yes, it is Braveheart on DVD. He "had to" get it at $7.99. Just get it on Netflix, man. On the bright side, even though he is an utter failure at his assigned task, at least his wife will just be happy not to have to venture out to Wal-Mart on a busy Tuesday evening.

The twenty-four hour Wal-Mart is the Earth Mother's greatest gift to the rural stoner, well, right after weed, of course. While urban stoners are left with only bodegas and over-priced pizza to satisfy their munchy needs, Wal-Mart supercenters provide everything a stoner in the sticks could ever want. From double-stuffed, chocolate covered Oreos to a dozen different flavors of Dorito, your Wal-Mart is a toker's wonderland. Even better, Wal-Mart offers sections of useless crap that they cycle through every month for the hapless stoner to waste their money on. We haven't seen the statistics, but we are willing to bet that there is a significant percentage of Wal-Mart's merchandising that is entirely, and intentionally, stoner-driven.

Apparently, these people heard about the low prices, but they missed the memo regarding the "everyday" part. Every time you go to Wal-Mart, you see at least one person who looks more like they're stocking their bomb shelter for the apocalyspe than taking care of that weekly shopping list. Does anybody really need six boxes of Bagel Bites? Are they feeding a family of six or a militia of several score? These are the mysteries that travel with these people down the aisle as their cart wheels squeak under the pressure of so much dog food and so many frozen chicken wings. Not that there's anything wrong with these people. We have no problem with them, as long as they aren't in front of us in line. Now, if they dare try to jump in the twenty items or less line, then we might have soem blood shed on our hands.

Golden years can be hard to enjoy in the suburbs. If you thought there was nothing to do when you were an active kid, capable of skateboarding and running from cops after getting caught skateboarding where you aren't supposed to, imagine how dull your hometown must be for older generations. With funding for things like pubic arts and parks being slashed around the country, there are fewer and few options for things to enjoy in small towns, outside the glow of the television screen. A side-product of vanishing of public spaces and community sponsored culture is an influx of people just kind of hanging out at Wal-Mart. So often, when you go to Wal-Mart, you'll catch an elderly couple who seem to have stopped in just to buy one citronella candle or a set of new dish towels. Now, we aren't saying that Wal-Mart is without its cultural charms. Where else can you buy the entire Left Behind series and the entire Chicken Soup for the Soul series all in one place? Really, who needs things to do, when you can shop for low, low prices?

You used to see the town gossip at other places: they used to show up at corner shops, locally-owned hardware stores, and hole-in-the-wall diners. These places are all gone now, so now you see them at Wal-Mart. The largest challenge for the town gossip is finding a central point to camp out and soak in the local news. It used to be that they could sit at the front table in the diner or lean against the counter at the general store, but now they have to stalk the lawn and garden section with their shopping cart, lurking in wait for unsuspecting neighbors.Though this generation of town gossip gets much more of a workout than their forebears, rushing to and fro with their shopping cart, they also have to work a lot of harder to get information. We bet they used to get much better gossip when they could just sit in one place all day and soak it in. At least now they, and we, have Facebook, to make up for the lack of juicy local news.

Wal-Mart has the worst collection of shirts for sale since Spencer's Gifts opened its doors to perverted middle schoolers everywhere. The collection of t-shirts in the Wal-Mart men's section should be reserved for posterity, as it represents a cross-section of the garbage bin of American culture. Oh look, there's a Larry the Cable Guy Shirt. Don't look now, but there's a pre-faded AC-DC shirt featuring an eagle riding a motorcycle. Of course, you are going to see a fair number of sexist, politically incorrect one-liners plastered on a few XXL tees. Most of us gawk at these shirts and appreciate them for their ironic value. Every so often, we'll see a customer walk up to the rack, take a look the shirt that bears a giant hot dog that says "Got Buns" across the chest, grab two of them, and head to the register. There are simply too many of these shirts for every purchase to be a joke, and so we are left to wonder about the life of a man who looks at any of these shirts and actually thinks they would make a nice addition to his wardrobe.

That lost, numb guy shambling down the aisle staring at a hand-written grocery list, trying to decipher the chicken scratch: that's a college boy. Very few people on Earth look less comfortable than college students home for the summer. After cultivating new friends and hobbies, they are thrust back into a world that feels at once intimately familiar and completely alien. Everything looks the same, yet, everything has changed. They've been replaced in the hometown social hierarchy. Someone else plays goalie for the varsity soccer team. Someone else is the prosecutor on the mock trial team. Someone else is sleeping with the ex-girlfriend they dumped over Christmas break. So, here they are, splitting their time between their summer job operating a fork lift at Home Depot, drinking with friends next to abandoned train tracks, and running errands for their parents. They look lost, but it's best to let them go on their way, as any sudden movements might jar them out of their existential funk. Seriously, don't bother them. If you cultivate a relationship with them, if you show them a great summer that radically alters their perspective, it might motivate them to write a Garden State-style screenplay about how you taught them to experience joy again, and that's the last thing we need.