Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Being a Father but Were Afraid to Ask

In honor of Father's Day, here are the answers to some questions you may have about fatherhood.

June 15, 2014

Image via Complex Original

Parenthood is scary. Going from the beautiful selfishness of going to the bar whenever you want, sleeping late, and prioritizing movie and video game releases to being responsible for another human being is downright terrifying. Until recently, men responded to this fear as they respond to most things they're afraid of—by not talking about it. Thanks to the Internet, and particularly sites like The Good Men Project, men are starting to have conversations about fatherhood that they didn't have before. Information about becoming a dad, from the emotions that come with it to the way it changes your finances, is readily available. In honor of Father's Day, here is Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Being a Father but Were Afraid to Ask.

How much does it cost to raise a child?

Odds are that raising a child will be the most expensive thing you ever do. Several estimates put the average cost of raising a kid at around a quarter-million dollars (between twelve and fourteen thousand a year). A full third of that number goes towards housing and sixteen percent of that cost goes towards food. Even a low-income family can expect to spend $10,000 on their child in their first year of life alone. Low-income families can expect to pay out about a quarter of their earnings raising their child. With these numbers in mind, it likely won't surprise you to hear that a third of mothers struggle to afford diapers for their infants. As is usually the case, our government's estimate for poverty calculations is much lower. As of 2013, the Department of Health and Human Services estimated that only $94,000 is needed to raise a child from birth to age eighteen, meaning that a family would have to be able to provide less than $5,000 a year for their child to meet poverty guidelines. That's right, the United States thinks you only need half of the average cost of raising a child to raise a child.

Are there any financial advantages to having children?

Having kids is not a sound investment strategy. Raising a kid can cost you a quarter million dollars. Some conservatives like to spin a narrative that having more kids is a way to cheat the welfare system. Anyone with kids will tell you that a child does not give you a financial advantage. However, there are some monetary benefits that can at least curb the financial bleeding. You've probably heard of the child tax credit, but you may not know about education and childcare credits. These credits combined can save an average family $4,000, which takes a significant chunk out of the big time cost of raising children. There are also financial plans like 529 college savings plans and dependent care flex spending accounts that may offer tax and interest benefits.

How much sleep do young parents get?

Sleep deprivation is a fact of life for parents, but it isn't quite as bad as you probably imagine. The Mayo Clinic estimates that babies tend to sleep up to five hours at a time by three months and can sleep between nine and twelve hours at a stretch by six months. There are also a number of strategies that can help you get more sleep. Tactics like sleeping when the baby sleeps, avoiding bed sharing with your child, and scheduling nightly duties can lead to more restful slumber. Of course, that doesn't mean that you'll be able to get the beauty sleep you were accustomed to when you were childless: Mental Floss estimates that parents sleep between 400 and 750 hours less during their first year. Doctors Michael Thorpy and Shelby Freedman of the Montefiore Medical Center recommend that the best thing you can do to maximize that post-newborn sleep is to stop worrying and accept that you won't be getting as much as you like. They say, "prepare by understanding, and accepting, that the first few months will most likely consist of disrupted nighttime sleep."

What am I supposed to do in the delivery room?

They key to coming through in the delivery room is preparation. Doctors recommend you attend Lamaze classes with your partner. At the very least, you should have a conversation about how she would like you to be involved in the process, what she'll expect from you on the big day. You'll want to create a detailed birthing plan together which outlines the interventions she's down with, and talk through possibilities like additional medication and cesarean section. Generally, during the first few hours of labor you are merely a distraction. Once your partner goes into active labor, you put those lessons you learned in birthing class to use. You'll help coach her through breathing, hold her hand, and tell her she's doing great. Prenatal veterans also advise that you should prepare for the possibility that your partner might not take kindly to your coaching. Be prepared to adjust on the fly and keep your moth shut if requested.

How does paternity leave work for men?

In the United States, unsurprisingly, the answer is "pretty poorly." While many European nations and Canada offer paid time off for paternity leave, the United States lags behind. The U.S. does have a law allowing for up to twelve weeks of unpaid paternity leave on the books (provided your employer is covered by the Family and Medical Leave Act and doesn't have the kind of old boys' club environment that will shame out of taking the time), but it's hard to imagine too many young parents being in a position to have dad spend any meaningful unpaid time at home. Yes, paternity leave makes yet another argument for moving to Canada. Canadian fathers can get up to 55% of their pay for 35 weeks while out tending to their newborn. Change, however, seems to be on the way. California and New Jersey residents currently enjoy paternity leave options, while Washington State will potentially follow suit late next year.

How does divorce affect a child?

Though the statistics vary in terms of the exact number, roughly half of marriages end in divorce. This means that there is a significant chance that a child will spend part of their childhood between multiple homes. Odds are you know many successful children of single-parent or stepparent households, but that doesn't stop us from wondering how different child raising situations affect our kids. Infants and toddlers don't understand the concept of divorce. They may be affected by changes in environment, but this would be true if the family moved to a new home as well. As children get older, obviously, they become more aware of their domestic situation. Experts agree that how a child copes with parental separation is determined not by what is going on, but how the parents behave. As Dr. Lynne Namka put it, "three ways of acting during and after a divorce are 1. Argumentative 2. Disengagement 3. Cooperating. The type of arrangement that you engage in is directly related to your level of maturity." It isn't whether you are divorced or not that is going to make things hard on your child, it is unresolved tension, negativity, and poor communication, regardless of your marital status, that will make it tough for kids to cope.

Will being a father hurt my career advancement?

The answer here isn't as rosy as you might like. While becoming a father isn't a surefire career killer, it can make things more difficult. As you may well know, beginning a career in almost any field these days requires low pay, long hours, and sometimes an unpaid internship (even if they're illegal.) If you quickly rise to the top where you can make your own hours, work from home, or find some other path to flexibility, that's great. Unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky. There are many men and women who deal with workplace discrimination, and there are some jobs that are just exceedingly difficult for a family man to do well.

There are probably plenty of people out there who would tell you to put off having kids as long as possible. There are just as many who would encourage you to quit that stressful job so you can be the father you always dreamed you would be. The reality is something far trickier. Being a parent might be a drain on your career. You have to figure out how to split your time and what your priorities are. Sure, you can cut out drinking with your buddies and chasing strange at house parties, but you'll probably have to make some tough sacrifices along the way as well.

Will she love the baby more than me?

This is a common fear among parents. It isn't reserved just for the most vain and self-centered among us. Parents regularly feel that their partner loves their child more than them or that their child loves one parent more than the other. Though child-rearing experts and parental bloggers provide a variety of perspectives on the topic, there is one constant among the various anecdotes. Healthy families communicate these feelings. It isn't insane to feel this way. You should share your feelings with your partner, no matter how insane they may seem.

How does child support work?

We've all heard horror stories about child support. Though a number of these complaints come from fathers who don't want to pay up, many dads are put into grinding poverty due to child support. One of the biggest problems facing child support is finding an equitable standard for non-custodial parents. Child support laws vary from state to state, and often a judge will decide how much is to be paid out on a case by case basis. This means that two parents in roughly the same circumstances could pay wildly different amounts if they live in different states or simply see different judges.

Depending on your circumstances, child support can be financially devastating. A judge can opt to set child support payments based on your skills, not based on the job you currently hold. For example, a trained carpenter may be asked to pay a percentage of an average carpenter's income in your area even if he hasn't worked as a carpenter for years. The court can also decide that your child's previous standard of living is a factor in your payment, so if they lived very well before, you may be expected to maintain that standard. In the court's eyes, child support is considered the most important debt you owe, which means that your child support payment may be calculated without taking into account other debts that are currently in repayment.

Should your circumstances change such that you can't make the ordered payments, it requires legal action to change the amount you owe. If you and the other parent can't agree on revised terms, this could mean a date in court. If the payments aren't forthcoming, probation officers can request employers dock the amount of your child support payment from your paycheck. Missing two weeks of child support results in a delinquency notice, which can legally be followed by a warrant for your arrest.

How do you handle when your kids start dating?

When you type this question into Google you get a lot of responses worded "when should I let my kids start dating?" That probably seems crazy to any childless person. It's not quite "when should I let my children fall in love?" but it sounds almost as foolish. Dating is the canary in the coal mine, the signal that life will move on and children will grow up. Though we all imagine ourselves being a cool parent, there is data that shows kids who get intimate too early may not be properly educated and emotionally equipped for the consequences. That is something to be concerned about. Nobody has a burning desire to see their kid end up on Teen Mom.

Being the overbearing dad polishing his shotgun on the couch when boys come in isn't a good look either. Experts seem to agree the educating your kids and being open with them about intimacy is a better move than locking your daughter in a tower until she turns eighteen. It may be hard to deal with this when the time comes, but the average age that kids begin dating is thirteen, and many children date as early as eleven. Many "late-blooming" teens don't date until they're sixteen, so maybe you'll get lucky.

How are you supposed to respond to a baby crying?

Crying doesn't always mean that your baby needs immediate attention. Yes, a baby might cry due to hunger and discomfort, but crying is also a tool babies use to eliminate unpleasant sights or sounds and tension. Babies may even cry at relatively regular intervals to burn off excess energy. Since there are so many different motivators for crying, experts recommend prompt response to crying in the first few months. Newborns don't yet have the tools to soothe themselves. As the baby gets older and you get used to hearing your child cry, you'll begin to hear a variance in the types of crying. As the child gets older, you will likely develop a better handle on which cries warrant your attention and which are just cries for attention. At about six months or so, the baby will start to develop those wily habits we all develop as human beings and learn the art of manipulation. Around then you'll slowly want to start setting limits, rather than remaining at your child's beck and call.

Is there anything to this anti-vaccination stuff?

While there is plenty of room for debate when it comes to nursing methods, child-birthing approaches, and many other parenting decisions, there is no doubt that the anti-vax movement is bullshit. As is the case with global warming, the twenty-four hour news cycle and the Internet have joined forces to create the illusion of a debate where none exists. As with climate change, the science is totally on one side, while weird aunts and uncles who communicate solely through forwarded emails are on the other. Despite the overwhelming opinion from credible academics and legitimate media sources, as of 2011, one in ten parents were delaying necessary vaccine s. Though you have your pick of news outlets writing about the horrors of the anti-vax movement, this Policy Mic article is as good a place to start as any. If you only have a minute and a half to learn just how dumb the anti-vax movement is, check out this video from Penn and Teller.

Is it harder to relate to a daughter?

It is a (sexist) tradition for men to bust each other's chops when they find out they are going to have daughters. When you see a man walking down the street with three teenage daughters, we are conditioned to turn to our buddies and say something like, "poor bastard." While raising a daughter certainly has its differences from raising a son, is it more difficult? Parents and experts agree that raising a daughter is different, though not necessarily harder. One of the most important parts of raising a daughter is recognizing what are actual differences between boys and girls (boys don't have a period) and what are culturally constructed differences (I can't teach my daughter to like football and everything I buy her has to be pink).

Your daughter might not be interested in cars, but, I'm a guy and I'm not terribly interested in cars, either. As Marcus Williams and Joanna Schrader at The Good Men Project put it, "Teach her that handymen don't have to be men." I would add that just because you're a handyman doesn't mean your kid will be, regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl. When many dads worry about how hard it will be to raise a girl, what they are really saying is, "I'm afraid she won't like everything I like." If that's what you're looking for, it's going to be a long childhood for your kid.

What is sex life like after you have a kid?

You've likely been around young children at some point in the past, so you know that crying, shrieking, and puking can really kill the romantic vibes in a room. It is possible that decreased post-pregnancy sex drive can result from more than just environmental circumstances. Changes in a woman's libido post-childbirth can last for up to a year and are especially concentrated in the first 4-6 weeks. Hormonal fluctuations that result in a decreased libido are quite common among young mothers. On a purely chemical level, breastfeeding brings with it decreased levels of estrogen, which can lead to dryness or irritation during intercourse. Dr. Elizabeth Pryor recommends mothers be "patient with yourself and know this is a temporary problem." The same goes for horny fathers out there.

How hard is it to adopt a child?

All it takes to have a biological child is enough margaritas to forget about that condom in your pocket. Adopting a child is a much more difficult proposition. The adoption process can be incredibly trying and there are several points of potential frustration along the way. Regardless of your particular state's laws, you will undergo a "home study" when you prepare to adopt a child. Home study involves "educat[ing] and preparing the adoptive family for adoption, evaluat[ing] the fitness of the adopted family, and gather[ing] information about the prospective parents that will help the social worker with a child whose needs they can meet."

After the months long process of home study, you are ready to begin the placement process. This too can take a while to get through depending on which method of adoption you choose: foster care, agency, private, and intercountry adoptions all have their own particular time tables associated with them. From start to finish, the adoption process can be completed in less than six months, but it could just as easily take two years to bring home a child.

How do you become a good father?

This is another one of those topics on which there is a mountain of information, for better or worse, available on the Internet and from neighborhood busybodies. Though there is some pretty great advice out there like "lea rn the 'firm no'" and "Admit you're wrong when you ar e," the one constant among the numerous blogs, lists, essays, and rants on the topic that it is important to be an active presence in your child's life. As with everything else in life, that old Woody Allen quote, "Eighty percent of success is just showing up," applies.

For those of you who can't shake the stress, here is what my friend and new father Kevin Cramer shared with me when I asked him about this. "The craziest thing about being a dad is how often my wife comes home with a story about some random person on the street telling her she's doing something wrong like, 'You should put shoes on that baby,' or 'Why isn't he wearing a hat?' People never do that to dads. I could take him out naked and covered in dirt and people just sort of give you a pass because they're both thrilled that the kid has a dad who gives enough of a shit to participate in his kid's life while simultaneously assuming you're a dumbass who just doesn't know any better." So, do your best, but know that society still isn't going to hold you to that high of a standard.

Should fathers take out a life insurance policy?

If you made it through tenth grade English, you know that fear of death is something every human has to deal with. When you have a child, this fear becomes even more pronounced, because another human being depends on you. Nobody likes dealing with insurance salesmen or contemplating their own mortality, but it's probably a good idea for new parents to suck it up and fear the reaper just a little bit. Experts recommend taking out a policy that will equal about four or five times your annual salary. It also isn't a bad idea to purchase additional disability insurance if your employer doesn't provide enough in that area. As you may expect, there are a lot of sources out there, even those under the banner of legitimate media, that run pro-life insurance articles that read like ad copy. Start with a source like Consumer Reports and do your homework before you buy insurance. In matters of life and death, like insurance, funerals, and estate planning, there are plenty of vultures who will gladly take your money and provide little in return.

After I have kids, am I ever going to see my friends again?

The general consensus is that you will see your friends as long as your friends can adjust to your new lifestyle. If you're asking if you are going to be able to go out to the bar until two in the morning, the answer is "probably not." If you're asking if you'll have time to hang out at the house and have a couple of beers between play dates and nap times, then you're being more realistic. Of the numerous parental discussions on this topic, Jason Good's "To All My Friends Without Children" is one of the fairest and most charming. In this blog post, Good makes the point that parents aren't a cult of people who carry around Ziploc bags and moist towelettes. It's just that a combination of exhaustion, concern for their children, and the desire to avoid public embarrassment makes it easier for parents to hang out with other parents or just with each other. It is possible to maintain those old friendships, but you have to be able to "understand that I might have to leave in the middle of [a] sentence to get a juice box" or "hang out while he takes one of his sons inside to talk to them." Friendships can last through children, but as friendships progress through different stages of life, they take more work.

How do I stop my kid from turning into an asshole?

The good news is, where there was once the catch-all ineffective solution of corporal punishment, there are a number of options child psychologists encourage you to consider if your kid starts to become a little shit. The interesting thing about such pointers (like these from Dr. Mary Pulido) is that many of them involve the parent just as much as the child. Teaching empathy, encouraging the adoption of conflict resolution strategies, and setting firm expectations with your child can all help put an end your child's asshole tendencies. While a small percentage of kids bully due to mental health issues or developmental disabilities, the majority of bad behavior can be mitigated by working with a child to put an end to them.

Will having a child make me happy?

A study released this year paints a definitively indefinite answer. According to a study conducted by Princeton and Stonybook universities, once you adjust for factors like income, education, and health, there is "very little difference" between the happiness of parents and non-parents. The study did find that parents experience more highs and lows. That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has ever attended a high school graduation or watched a child throw a temper tantrum in a mall. Though the findings of this study of almost two million people are rather compelling, it doesn't take much hunting to find other studies that come down firmly on one side or the other. New York Magazine's Jennifer Senior cited several contradictory studies in a brief piece last year. Regardless of the variety of scientific findings, it is generally agreed upon that having a child will not make you happy or solve any of your problems, while having a kid will certainly put new problems on your plate.