Image via Complex Original
1.
Since Guardians of the Galaxy opened on August 1, Chris Pratt has undeniably won the Internet. There's been a media arms race of memeable Pratt content including, but not limited to, rapping, Throwback Thursday photos, and GIF galleries of everything he did pre-Parks and Recreation. The Internet has entered a feel-good digital spooning session with Pratt, and it feels so good.
It also feels familiar, and that's because Pratt’s public persona is cribbed directly from the Jennifer Lawrence public relations battle plans. Vulture called this self-consciously goofy yet endlessly winning public style an “elaborate charm offensive,” which feels pretty apt given the listicle carpet-bombing we’ve endured on behalf of both. (Yes, sadly, I’m a veteran of these wars.) There is, however, one weapon that JLaw has deployed that Pratt lacks, and it may be the most powerful piece of her arsenal: Anne Hathaway.
There is no Jennifer Lawrence without Anne Hathaway. While both actresses fit the bill of “men want her, women want to be here,” Hathaway is the homecoming queen/class president valedictorian America barely tolerates and JLaw is America's awkward friend who suddenly got hot over the summer and somehow maintained that down-to-earth vibe that allows her to be “one of the guys.” In 2013, to hate Hathaway was to love Lawrence. If your memory of those days is foggy, you can look here , here, here, here, or (for the obligatory contrarian stance) here for reminders. If Chris Pratt is going to reach the Internet Hall of the Ancients and take his rightful place next to JLaw, Psy, and Grumpy Cat, he is going to need an Anne Hathaway.
Choosing a male Anne Hathaway is a difficult proposition. To find the celebrity Lex Luthor for Chris Pratt, we can’t think about an actor who is like Anne Hathaway—we have to choose an actor who gets the same reaction from men that Hathaway gets from women. Why does Hathaway draw so much hate? She is the image of practiced perfection. She does it all, but tries way too hard and is super boring while she does it.Perfect. Ubiquitous. Boring. Ball those traits up in a male, and you’re talking about Tom Hanks, and dudes love Tom Hanks. We'll have to think beyond The Princess Diaries for this one.
There are three pre-conditions for the Male Anne Hathaway: women have to want him, men should want to be him, and other men must hate him. With that in mind, let’s begin the search for the male Anne Hathaway.
2.Mark Wahlberg
America's Stepdad
Just like you thought Steve (he's your stepdad, but you call him Steve) was out of your life after he lost his job at Applebee’s and went on that tequila bender, you thought Wahlberg was on the way out of the limelight when he popped up in I Heart Huckabees. Then The Departed came along and America has just been counting down the days until he asks why you don't call him "Dad" after housing his seventh Lime-A-Rita. There are three other big things Wahlberg has in common with your stepfather that help his Hathaway Index: he’s always trying to preach his conservative ideology, he could probably kick your ass, and he loves Entourage. In fact, Entourage is based on him, so he may even be more your stepdad than your stepdad.
Hathaway Index: 8/10
3.James Franco
America's Annoying Artsy Classmate
Franco’s dilettante tendencies have made him pretty easy to dislike. You can’t spend a weekend in New York or Los Angeles without hearing about some gallery opening, film screening, environmental nude sculpture exhibition, or Eyes Wide Shut-style orgy that he had some kind of hand in. Guys absolutely hate dabblers. Whether we’re talking about movies, sports, or music, we love a guy “who knows what he’s good at and sticks to it,” who “has a blue collar work ethic,” and “just knows how to get the job done.” Franco is the opposite of John Wayne or Bruce Springsteen—he's the grad student who likes to drone on about being an artist so he can convince freshmen girls to get high with him and fuck in the pottery studio.
Hathaway Index: 9/10
4.Joseph Gordon-Levitt
America's Younger Brother Who Got Hot and Stole Your Girl
Nobody hates JGL, at least not yet. Despite the fact that he is currently as likable as an Ian McKellen/Patrick Stewart joint selfie, there is plenty of room for Gordon-Levitt to pull a Hathaway. Gordon-Levitt has the same Achilles heel that ultimately doomed Hathaway: he's so damn perfect. Ten years ago, your boy was starring in Brick. Fifteen years ago, he was fronting Ten Things I Hate About You. Twenty years ago he was our Angel in the Outfield. He has never skipped a beat.
Not only is JGL the model of young adult perfection, but we've watched him avoid the traditional pitfalls of child stardom. There was never an overdose, a public breakdown, or a period of staging experimental art installations for Gordon-Levitt, and that makes him all the more hateable. America craves a redemption story, and there's never been anything for JGL to redeem. All we need is one blogger to read his awe-shucks smile as a smug grin, and the public could begin sipping that Haterade.
Hathaway Index: 5/10
5.Leonardo DiCaprio
America's Old Dude At The Club
Currently DiCaprio doesn’t engender the hatred that's required to pull a full Hathaway, but the tides of public opinion could easily turn. Leo will be 40 in November, yet he still spends his time bedding models in their early 20s, holding court at night clubs, snubbing Kardashians, and making fun of Justin Bieber. Admittedly, all of those things are amazing, but Leo is playing a young man's game. No matter how awesome these things may be, eventually this is going to stop feeling like a “Man, I wish could do that at his age” situation and become a “Man, he’s still doing that at his age” situation.
If you don’t believe me when I tell you that Leo is treading dangerously close to dude-hanging-out-in-the-high-school-parking-lot territory, then allow me to repeat a recent caption of a picture of him that ran on the Daily Mail: “Leo was seen dancing with an electric cigarette in his mouth.” There may be no sadder sentence in the English language.
Hathaway Index: 5/10
6.Ryan Gosling
America's Sensitive Ex-Boyfriend She Broke Up With, Like, Two Years Ago But Won't Stop Talking About
It’s hard to hate a guy who continues to eschew big-budget opportunities to stand among the wheat fields for Terrence Malick, but the potential for male America to turn on Gosling is real. Gosling is the sensitive ex-boyfriend that your girlfriends never had, and men secretly hate him for it. So far, Gosling has walked the line between "Hey, Girl" and convincing guys he’s legit, but one misstep could bring this uneasy peace to an end.
If Gosling and Pratt ever want to take their fame to the next level, they should stage some sort of fistfight over Anna Faris followed by Gosling edging out Pratt for an Oscar after turning in a performance as a foppish Victorian nobleman in a period drama. Dozens of BuzzFeed editors could live off of that beef for an entire calendar year. Though Gosling has the lowest score on our Hathaway Index, if he ever decided to take a cue from the WWE and turn heel, he and Pratt could position themselves for an Internet win with an ownage the likes of which content creators have never seen before.
Hathaway Index: 2/10, but with explosive potential