7 Careers Kylie Jenner Is Actually Qualified For

Last week we put aside concerns about the State of the Union address, radical Islam, and even Deflategate a.k.a. Ballghazi a.k.a. The Salem Snitch Trials to talk about something that really matters. Rumors were swirling about Kylie Jenner, the runt of the Kardashian-Jenner litter. Word on the street was that she had dropped out of school. Kylie and the Kardashian-Jenner PR machine have since set about debunking this rumor. And really, we won't fully know the whole story until Kylie writes her memoirs. Given recent trends, we'll likely have to wait five whole years for that to happen.

All of this speculation got us thinking though. Kylie isn't any old high school dropout. She isn't likely to be caught flipping burgers at the neighborhood McDonald's wishing she had chosen community college over cutting class to hang out in the quarterback's Camero. Given the wealth of experience Kylie has amassed as a part of a reality TV empire, what is she qualified for? While the dust settles on the rumor mill, let's take a look at 7 Careers Kylie Jenner Is Actually Qualified For.

Instagram heroes like Jen Selter have taught us that woman can indeed live on belfies alone. If you take away her name, if you take away her endorsement deals, if you take away her TV appearances, Kylie Jenner still has a fundamental skill that is roughly equivalent to gold mining in the modern era. She can take a killer belfie. We're assuming that the picture above is Wheaties product placement. You'll notice the Wheaties logo just above her belfie canvas. If Wheaties is in, you have imagine other sponsors, both breakfast cereal and otherwise, would be willing to jump on board. There's no reason that Kylie can't capitalize on her belfie skill to support herself in the lean times ... as long as the lean times don't impact that butt too much.

Let's be real. Someday, the endorsements are going to dry up. Ads like this Steve Madden spot will go away as a new stage mom manufactures a new set of It Girls and conquers a new generation of tweens. Vanna White has had her gig for 33 years. That's longer than your grandfather worked at the auto plant before they sent his job overseas and withheld his pension. You just don't get job security like that anymore, especially in the age of startup culture. If Kylie could line up a gig turning letters or spinning wheels, she would have a real career. There aren't many other sure things in this world, but you can always buy a vowel.

It's hard to tell, but since it's her Instagram, we're going to assume it's Kylie's arm that is adorned by a red tail boa in this pic. There probably isn't much money in becoming a Snake Handler in the religious sense, unless you can con people out of their cash while praying with your snake (that didn't sound right). But, at every tourist destination in this great country, you see somebody fucking around with a snake. And they've got a hat laid out in front of them to collect extra cash from the rubes who walk by. No, she won't be pulling in reality TV money, but it's hard to imagine a woman with a snake can't at least make a few bones for her troubles.

Most Instagrammers looking at this photo probably notice the dog. What is the Internet for if not to ogle cats and dogs with covetous envy? We would encourage you to take a pause from your doggie adoration and take a look at the tag on that stuffed animal. Back in the '90s that heart with a "TY" inside of it was gold. If you had the Beanie Baby made to honor Princess Di

and the Beanie Baby made to honor hippies

you were basically a millionaire. Yes, collectors of collectibles tend to be an odd bunch, but if Kylie were to jump in the fray, she could make history. Kylie Jenner would be the most attractive Beanie Baby collector of all time. That's a far better epitaph than "younger sibling reality TV star of far more famous reality TV stars."

But the facts on the ground remain as follows:

1. They wrote this novel.

2. I am writing a list discussing how they wrote a novel.

3. I have never written a novel.

4. You are reading this list.

5. You (probably) have not written a novel.

6. If any novelists are reading, please get back to work. You have a literary tradition to reclaim from these two.

7. As soon as I finish writing this, I'll be calling my therapist.

There are many things that are wonderful about living in California, where I and Ms. Jenner are residents. The weather is the best. Every bar has some kind of craft IPA on tap. Restaurants try to stop you from eating so many french fries by placing a side salad and fruit bowl on menus as possible alternatives. One thing thing that Cali doesn't have is gas station attendants. In the great state of New Jersey, it is illegal to pump your own gas.

If things ever get tough for Ms. Jenner, she can always move to Trenton, Camden, Newark, or any of the other beautiful cities in New Jersey and start a career as a gas station attendant. She isn't holding the gas pump here, but one look at what she is doing should be all you need to know that she would be a phenomenal gas station attendant. Her hands look natural moving towards her gas cap. Her eyes are on the prize. Her posture is solid, effective. If Kylie wanted to, she could beat out somebody's stoner kid brother for the job and become the greatest gas station attendant Asbury Park's 7-11 has ever seen.

This probably isn't practical right at the moment as combat operations are being continually scaled down across the globe. However, if a Republican takes the White House in 2016, we may well find ourselves in another war in short order. If a third Bush President starts a third war in Iraq, then Kylie should have no problem getting in. All she'll have to do is find a recruiter and pretend she's poor.

Kylie Jenner in the military presents a number of intriguing possibilities. The best part of her service would be how torn Middle America becomes as a result. Hating on the Kardashian-Jenners has become the new American pastime now that we've realized that baseball is so boring. But, the one thing you can't do in this country is criticize the troops. What would we as a country do?

Kylie, if you're reading this, please consider enlisting. It's time that we had a national moment of soul searching, and your service would be just the thing to kick it off.

Brenden Gallagher is a writer living in Los Angeles. Seek career counseling from him @muddycreekU.