Image via Complex Original
INTRO
If a real soldier gets injured in combat he may be able to patch it up, but in all likelihood he's getting dragged out and fast tracked to a hospital.
In video games, it's a lot easier. In most games you can duck behind cover for a few seconds and you're good to go. Recovering health by ducking behind cover was popularized by shooters like Call of Duty, and has spread to third-person franchises like the Uncharted and Mass Effect. But ducking for a hot second isn't even the most illogical way to heal yourself. Here's 10 other nonsensical cures for what ails you.
Eat Food (Even if it's on the Ground)
10. Eat Food (Even if it's on the Ground)
Eating food to heal isn't new, but in games like Dead Island and Dead Rising you can pick up food off the ground or in the garbage to get a few bars of life. The food can be rotting and you'll still gain health by eating it.
Food choices aren't always logical. It's a zombie game thing, you wouldn't understand. But eating dirty food is better than eating brains, no?
Eat a Heart (Or Devour Someone Whole)
9. Eat a Heart (Or Devour Someone Whole)
You are what you eat, and in some video games, munching on your opponents' body parts offers a little pick me up. In The Darkness II, Jackie and his demon arms can feel as good as they want as long as there's a steady supply of victims to nibble on. Some of Jackie's finishing moves grant health (the Anaconda is a favorite), but there's nothing like chowing down on the human heart to get that health soaring. Although the demon arms should really take their time to chew food slowly.
Maybe chewing isn't your thing. Alex from Prototype has a superpower that allows him to shape shift and change parts of his body into weapons. Feeling a little run down? Alex can regain health quickly by consuming his enemies. He can also take the form of the people he devours. In Prototype you really are what you eat.
Get an Injection (As Many Times as You Want)
8. Get an Injection (As Many Times as You Want)
Not all shooters allow you to duck behind cover to heal up. Some require that you get injected by a teammate like in Brink or the Army of Two franchise.
There's almost no limit to this wonder drug. You can get injected multiple times in the same game with no side effects. Even better, your teammates never seem to run out of drugs!
Yes, we agree, it's weird that you never carry drugs for yourself.
Collect 100 Whatevers (It Doesn't Matter What. Just Get 100)
7. Collect 100 Whatevers (It Doesn't Matter What. Just Get 100)
Most games make players collecting something. FPS games have soldiers running around collecting ammo. RPG games usually involve hunting down reagents or pieces of metal to create powerful spells and fantastic armor.
In the good ol' days, platformer games like Super Mario Bros. and Sonic the Hedgehog made collecting items a life-or-death proposition. Mario's obsession with gold coins had nothing to do with concern over his financial portfolio and Sonic's fascination with Beyoncé... Rings meant he could continue to spin and love it.
Go to Bed (All Will Be Fine in the Morning!)
6. Go To Bed (All Will Be Fine in the Morning!)
In real life, if you have a concussion you shouldn't go to bed. But in RPGs like the Fallout franchise, all you need to do is sleep for a few hours. When you wake up your bruises are gone, your bones are healed, and blood has returned to your body!
EPMD said it best, "If you're tired, than go take a nap."
Get Hearts (Just One Won't Do)
5. Get Hearts (Just One Won't Do)
The heart is the engine that powers us, drives us, breaks on us when we're sad and rises joyously when we feel elated. It's also the thing that keeps Zelda alive; and the more hearts, the better he feels.
Everyone's favorite sword-swinging grunter runs around Hyrule, slaying enemies and harvesting their hearts, much like Mola Ram from The Temple of Doom (no, not really, but that would be even cooler). He uses them to heal up from his battles and patch himself up when he gets hurt. It's safe to assume Valentine's Day is his favorite holiday.
Absorb Orbs (But Only the Green Ones)
4. Absorb Orbs (But Only the Green Ones)
In the old days, before hospitals and triage, the Greeks healed up by opening chests filled with green orbs. Lucky for Kratos, they left a few behind in the God of War franchise to help him get his revenge.
Of course, Dante's Inferno, the GOW clone, has the same game mechanic. Shocking.
Drink the Cure (Or Cast It)
3. Drink the Cure (Or Cast It)
No, not the alternative rock band. Curing potions and spells are the backbone of all continuing success in fantasy video games. How many people want to face off against an angry troll or cranky dragon without having a magic user or cleric nearby to keep all the fighters hale and hearty?
“My Chemical Romance” takes on new meaning when parties scavenge for plants and rocks that help their resident alchemist whip up potions strong enough to make zombies dance.
In World of Warcraft, a guild's success on a raid is based on the ability to heal through magical cures and maximize DPS. If only Leeroy Jenkins would have had a nurse with him on that failed raid…
Suck Electricity (Shocking, right?)
2. Suck Electricity (Shocking, Right?)
In the inFAMOUS franchise, electricity is your way to take down enemies, and it's also your best lifeline. If you're beaten within an inch of death, the only way to heal is to suck electricity. A telephone pole will only help a little, so you better hope there are a couple of fuse boxes nearby when you're trying to take down the Beast.
Be the King of the Hill (Beat up Everyone in Your Area)
1. Be the King of the Hill (Beat up Everyone in Your Area)
Many of the previous examples showcased ways to heal while battling bad guys. Often times, a player dies while trying to heal because an enemy beats you to the punch—literally. Don't you hate it when those creeps sneak in a death blow while you're trying to get your (healing potion) drink on?
A few games, however, like Rocksteady's Batman franchise and Splinter Cell: Conviction offer no healing potions, spells or medkits. Talk about keeping it real. Instead, the only way to heal up is to defeat every enemy onscreen. Then magically, you're good as new. Even if you walk away from the fight to find cover, you don't heal. Isn't that how it should be? Cowards never prosper so win big or go home.
Alan Danzis is a lifelong video game enthusiast thanks to the PC Jr. his Dad gave him and his brother, which allowed him to play among other things, King's Quest 3. His fast typing skills can be attributed to playing Sierra games as a kid and he currently lives in Hoboken, N.J., where he usually plugs too many things into one outlet. Keep up with him on Twitter @adanzis.
Full Disclosure: Alan Danzis works at Ketchum Public Relations, which is his day job. His opinions here are his own and do not reflect the opinions of Ketchum, nor the clients Ketchum works with. Sony PlayStation 3 is one of his current clients and did not contribute to this article. His Complex.com writing is wholly unrelated.
Larry Frum has been playing games since “Dungeons & Dragons” was first known as “Chainmail” and immediately gravitated to video games with his “new” Atari 2600. If a gaming console has hit the U.S. shores, he’s probably played it. And no, he doesn’t have allegiance to one console/genre/character over another. Check out what he’s playing on Twitter @lfrum.