Game of Thrones has taken over. With the HBO juggernaut concluding one of the most blockbuster, united viewing experiences the TV medium has ever seen, every online publication, magazine, blog, medium and the like is publishing takes, predictions, reflections, etc. like a content fire sale. It's a lot to sift through, a lot of it is redundant, some of it is barely more reputable than Reddit fanfic theorizing. Producing material that has a chance of standing out amidst the fray is the real challenge. Complex threw its hat in the ring in the walk-up to the season premiere with this incredibly nerdy but fun-to-look-at glossary. The Great Game is over now, though, and across the internet a jillion recaps are having the same debate over the finale's merits or detractions.
So instead of me, a day one fan of the series over-prosing my musings on the final season, I said yes when former Complex employee Zach "P Chopz" Frydenlund jokingly-but-also-seriously volunteered to review the episodes for us. The catch: he, despite being an HBO subscriber who purports to watch good TV, has never, ever seen this series before. He didn't binge any episodes or recap videos in the lead-up. He's going into each episode colder than the Night King. These are Chopz's unfiltered, first-impression thoughts during a live viewing of the series finale "The Iron Throne." This is the final episode of one of the greatest sagas of all time. Many of us were woefully let down. But how did it play on its own merit to a Cleveland boy who once asked me what a scanner does and regarded True Detective Season 3 as a bigger event? Let's see.
My journey is over. [Ed Note: The only person watching this show too unaware to make a “Watch has ended” joke] What a truly unmemorable ride this has been. I’ve seen a lot of predictions that Bran is going to end up on the throne. I will literally fly to wherever these damn writers live and demand answers if that happens. Apparently they made a full documentary about the last season too. Sorry, I would rather watch a Jersey Shore reunion show, guys. This could be the last of my TV critic days, though I’ve heard my work might be submitted for a Pulitzer. [If they give Pulitzers out on Twitter, maybe] Stay tuned.
Predictions:
- Dany dies
- Jon Snow cries
- Tyrion gets viciously murdered
- Bran fucking wins
[King's Landing: The Aftermath]
- Going to maybe miss this intro song.
- Dany really fucked this city up. [Shout out T.I.] Not sure how they can do anything BUT kill her now.
- Grey Worm really leaning into the war criminal thing. Cool. Cool. Cool.
- Lord, this episode better not suck. I turned off the Raptors/Bucks game for this BS.
[Tyrion's very long walk amongst the ruins]
- Gonna die laughing if Cersei and Jaime didn’t die.
- Nvm, they’re Big Dead.
- Tyrion throwing bricks like Dame Lillard.
- TAKE THE THRONE TYRION, LET THIS FUEL YOU.
- Arya still moving and shaking even though I’m pretty sure she probably should have died like five times last episode.
- Jon Snow about to do something big WILD.
[The Dragon Queen, triumphant]
- Imagine rooting for a war criminal smh
- Grey Worm with the big promotion. The Sean McVay of war, some say.
- Getting strong 1939 Germany vibes here
- REBEL TYRION LET'S GOOOOOOO (THE DRAGON PROB ABOUT TO EAT HIM SWIFTLY)
- Sansa and Bran about to pull up with DEM DICKS [For contextual benefit of our PC readers and Thrones fans who may not be equally proficient in rap culture, allow me to reassure you here “dicks” is slang for gun clips lmao]
[Tyrion puts the battery in Jon's back]
- Smh this man Jon is WEAK
- This is boring AF. Why does Jon not realize how batshit crazy Dany went? Not rocket science, bro.
- He still loves her? Even after finding out they’re related? God, I hate this show.
- Tyrion making so much fucking sense. Jon a big dummy.
- OK SO FULL TRANSPARENCY. I STOPPED WATCHING RIGHT AFTER THE BORING TYRION AND JON SCENE TO WATCH THE BASKETBALL GAME. IM BACK [What’s crazy is he didn’t even miss much]
[Dany finally gets her throne]
- Oh so that’s the throne, huh. Doesn’t look all that special. [What an inadvertently loaded statement]
- Dany got that crazy fucking look in her eyes
- Jokes on her though, she destroyed everything so now the throne is outside. Poor decision making. [She really did look retroactively stupid for blowing three quarters of the throne room up. Shit looked like a balcony seat.]
- Let’s see if Jon Snow has any backbone.
- Just kill her, bro.
- Have to respect the heat check to get some incest in during the finale. Really going for it.
- STABBED HER LMAO
- Lmao that’s how Dany dies???????? Smh. I hate this show.
- Dragon about to fuck Jon Snow up.
- Yes, she’s dead, dragon.
- This season sucks because they spent all the money on the dragon CGI. [Counterpoint: Drogon out-acted every human]
- So the actual throne just gone now? Why did that happen????? Lmao this shit doesnt make any sense. [I never expected to be on the same page as a guy who started watching this show five weeks ago but here we are]
- Jon just killed the queen and nothing happened to him hahahahaha [See above editor’s note]
- Dragon about to eat her or?
[The cool kids of Westeros hold a senate hearing or whatever]
- Make Tyrion the king, you cowards.
- OH GOOD IT'S FUCKING BRAN. [foreshadowing]
- Grey Worm got promoted and then his boss got capped and now he’s about to take a big L.
- I have no idea wtf is happening right now.
- Get Sam’s democratic ass outta here.
[Bran fails upwards]
- BRAN???????????? PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
- I WANT TO PHYSICALLY HARM THE WRITERS [D&D: never step foot in Cleveland]
- BRAN AS KING? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS [Same]
- This motherfucker just rolls around being weird and they just hand him the crown? What in the flying fuck?!
- We’re teetering on Seinfeld-level bad finale here and I fucking love Seinfeld[This shit makes the Seinfeld finale look like Cheers my brother]
- BRAN THE BROKEN???? THIS IS YOUR KING? Mans is LITERALLY broken!
- I feel bad for anyone who watched this for eight years. Has to be a brutal fucking realization of how much this sucks. [Let’s not talk about it]
- I mean, correct me if I’m wrong but is this not boring as hell? [Very]
- They made Bran king even though he’s like ⅓ Raven Man. Seems like a disqualification in my book. [Yes! It’s sad that even a Philistine like Chopz who barely paid the context of this show any real mind picked up on this. For two-and-a-half seasons Bran all but rejected any claim to humanity. He could barely even hold a conversation. Now he’s fit to rule six kingdoms?!]
- Jon the biggest loser in TV history. Truly the Kyle Lowry of medieval times. Didn’t even kill Grey Worm.
- This feels like a Lifetime original film.
[The Last of the Starks, together one last(?) time]
- So why did they even reveal or make Jon not a Stark? What was the point of that writing? [Again, more Accidental Bullseyes from Chopz.] They should take away this shows awards.
- Arya about to bring the plague to the west. Congrats, native people.
- Push Bran in the water, Jon.
- Jon Snow’s story literally didn’t matter. Congrats everyone.
- OH BRIENNE ABOUT TO GIVE JAIME A GLOWING REVIEW.
[Small Council 2.0]
- They might as well have Bran moonwalk to “Thriller.” Not like anything else makes sense.
- Sam dresses like a homeless person. [The Burlap Housecoat is Official Maester-Wear™ lmao]
- BRAN SUCKS. I HATE EVERYTHING.
[Jon Snow is back up north, because he was the chef up north]
- Tormund, a real one. Finally getting some screen time.
- Wtf was the point of Sansa this season. We literally barely saw her.
- Oh great, they finally found some budget for Jon to pet his dog. [Wolf]
- Arya about to go colonize some shit.
So like, the big villians from this season really went down with a fucking wimper. Night King? Died easily. Cersei? Crushed by a few rocks. Dany? Stabbed while trying to make out with her nephew. Awful.
So that was it. Yikes, I don’t know. That season was pretty brutal. Glad these dweebs were handed a Star Wars trilogy, a series I actually enjoy. Can’t wait for the Skywalker incest. That finale was not good. Up there with the worst. Not sure what else to say. They really fucking made Bran king. I encourage everyone to watch SUCCESSION, a real motherfucking HBO show when it returns in August. The end. [I don't have anything else to add here. I'm defeated, beat into submission by this point off this shit going from Wire-level plot intricacy to...Empire. Definitely too vouch for Succession, a debut season that genuinely took me by surprise. Logan Roy = Tywin Lannister. And hey, fellow Day Ones, we'll always have seasons 3 and 4. Maybe one day I'll convince Chopz to go back to those and do Retroactive Recaps. Until then—you guessed it—our watch has ended]
