The time has come! Downtrodden Americans will gather around Craigslist-purchased IKEA furniture to eat their weight in dead animal carcass while everyone argues about how the 2016 presidential election also felt remarkably similar to dumping rotting flesh into our stomachs, all in the name of giving thanks or whatever. But don't panic too hard. Stephen Colbert, full-time Late Show host and part-time Butterball hotline operator, has some handy survival tips for those sweating any and all post-election family gatherings.
"I got a lot to be thankful for," Colbert said Wednesday. "I got my friends that I work with. I got my friends that I get to do the show for every night. We live in the greatest country in the world, that's for sure." Random patriotism aside, Colbert still knows we need these tips, like, yesterday. Thankfully, Colbert's advice involves at least one drug.
Turkey, chemically speaking, has what Colbert described as a "naturally calming effect." To put this to good use, Colbert suggested eating "a lot of it" while driving to dinner. As for side dishes, maybe change up the recipes. Colbert's preferred topping? Shaved Xanax!
If Xanax isn't your cup of post-election tea, Colbert also recommended a "tackle to the death" round of football with the whole fam and/or prepping a second turkey just so everyone can stab it.
"Do all these things, and I guarantee a wonderful Thanksgiving," Colbert promised. "And that's important, because you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives, or evidently pick your president thanks to the Electoral College."