The Best Bathrooms in NYC to Have Sex In

Image via Complex Original

Location: 1000 5th Ave.
Privacy: 4
Space: 9
Comfort: 9
Cleanliness: 9
Special (or kinky) feature: Nude and semi-nude statues from antiquity provide position inspiration.

Yes, the bathroom is heavily trafficked by tourists. Yes, the clean, modernist style would be more at home in the MOMA. Nonetheless, the MET's bathroom is still a premiere international destination for lavatory coitus. Just as you can't take in the whole MET in one day, you can't test out every wonderful sexual position in the MET's spacious bathrooms in one day. Don't get greedy. Choose a wing (we recommend East Asian Art) and once you've absorbed all of the art you can handle, let what you saw inspire and create an erotic artwork of your own.

Location: 1514 Broadway
Privacy: 1
Space: 3
Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 4
Special (or kinky) feature: It's right off of the baby section, so you're both more likely to practice safe sex.

You may think that nothing about this bathroom sounds appealing, but we'd encourage you to think outside the stall. No, this is not a place for a couple to seek out a romantic tryst. This bathroom is where you'll find the best casual sex you've ever had. Annoyed single mothers and older sisters of young children have spent all day toting their tots around Times Square, from the M&M Store to a matineé of Mama Mia to Toys 'R Us, and all they want is a break. That's where you come in. Slide up to the frazzled lady of your dreams while her little tyke is distracted by the Bionicles display and offer the gift of a quickie. Just make sure you ask a security guard to keep an eye on the kid while you step away. Nothing ruins the mood like a child abduction.

Location: 307 E. 9th St. 
Privacy: 3 
Space: 1 
Comfort: 1 
Cleanliness: 9 
Special (or kinky) feature: Stain-glass windows and extremely cramped quarters

Don't let these low scores fool you; this bathroom is ideal for an afternoon tryst in one of New York's hippest neighborhoods. Nothing says East Village like a cramped, aromatic coffee shop helmed by cool baristas with angular haircuts and well-manicured moustaches serving bran muffins. If you crave that same artisanal, urban-rustic feel in your bathroom sex, MUD is the place for you. The incredibly cramped quarters ensure that you and your partner will feel intimately close through the whole encounter. As an added bonus for those of you who like a little pain with your pleasure, you'll likely leave with some splinters or a burn from the heating pipe as a sensual keepsake. Yes, it really is that small. The stained-glass window that overlooks the back seating area ensures that you'll get a voyeuristic kick without showing off everything God gave you.

Location: 1 Whitehall st.
Privacy: 5
Space: 6
Comfort: 5
Cleanliness: 6
Special (or kinky) feature: See the best view of the Statue of Liberty and the best view of your girl at the same time.

Can't afford a tropical cruise this winter? Give your special friend the next best thing. The Staten Island Ferry is the best free cruise New York City has to offer. If you can scrape together seven dollars, you can order you two Budweiser pounders and make your trip into a booze cruise. Find something sturdy to hold on to and make sure your lady friend isn't prone to seasickness, and you'll have one of the best rides New York City has to offer.

Location: 33 East 17th St. 
Privacy: 8
Space: 9
Comfort: 6
Cleanliness: 5
Special (or kinky) feature: Feel free to browse a copy of the Kamasutra as you develop your game plan.

Really, if you can still find any operational book seller that doesn't double as an antique shop, prepare yourself for a sensual treat. No one buys books anymore, and as such, they entertain few customers that aren't seeking temporary respite from the elements. This means that as long as you hit the bathroom outside of peak homeless-person-showering hours, you're in business. We highly recommend this particular Barnes & Noble for it's sheer size. You'll feel like a king in this palatial bathroom, like an aging monarch presiding over his fast crumbling kingdom. Feel free to express your pleasure as loudly as you like, the only people who will hear you are soon-to-be-laid-off Nook salesmen.

Location: 768 5th Ave. 
Privacy: 8
Space: 8
Comfort: 8
Cleanliness: 10
Special (or kinky) feature): Large Doors for increased privacy.

Like all things in the historic Plaza Hotel, the bathrooms here scream luxury. The lovely tiling (is that marble?) compliments the nearly floor-to-ceiling doors, creating a space fit for a king getting nasty over his porcelain throne. The bathroom is tucked away in the basement of the Plaza, so even though there is steady traffic, it is less intense than bathrooms at the nearby Apple Store and FAO Schwartz. You may not be able to afford a room at this posh hotel, or even Tea with Eloise, but any man can make his girl feel like a queen for an afternoon in the Plaza Hotel bathrooms.

Location: 848 Washington St.
Privacy: 4
Space: 8
Comfort: 9
Cleanliness: 10
Special (or kinky) feature: Unisex

The labyrinthine bathrooms of the Standard Hotel (Note: Ground floor only; Le Bain's rooftop bathrooms are surprisingly unimpressive) provide the perfect erotic maze for kinky adventure. Though the bathrooms aren't overly crowded, you do run the risk of being walked in on. Of course, unlike more public restrooms, which attract the unwashed masses, you're likely to be walked in on by a hot young swinger of either gender. Who knows? After a few too many martinis in the hotel lounge, an embarrassing encounter could turn into a wild experience you'll never soon forget.

Location: 484 Union Ave., Williamsburg
Privacy: 8
Space: 8
Comfort: 6
Cleanliness: 3
Special (or kinky) feature: The thick layer of hipster grime and live music.

They wouldn't put a sign on the door limiting the bathrooms to one person at a time if they didn't have to. Fornication at Union Pool is the stuff of legend. If you've lived in Brooklyn in your twenties in the last decade, you've probably hit it in these bathrooms. The Union Pool's bathrooms may well prove to be the Chelsea Hotel of our generation. On busy nights, the dance floor here becomes such a meat market that trysting against the walls and on benches happens as freely as it does in the bathroom stalls. Be warned: it does get crowded in here, so feel free to pop down to The Woods and get it on in their stalls if Union Pool's are already occupied by amorous adventurers.

Location: 42nd St. and 6th Ave.
Privacy: 2
Space: 8
Comfort: 9
Cleanliness: 7
Special (or kinky) feature: There's nothing quite like a pork in the park.

Much like New York City's legendary restaurants, such as Per Se or Le Bernardin, the only negative to this bathroom sex destination is that everybody already knows about it. Virtual Tourist ranked Bryant Park's Bathroom Number 1 in the world. In addition to this coronation, the Bryant Park Bathroom has received accolades from bestbathrooms.com, Trip Advisor, and numerous other bathroom critics across the globe.

What makes the Bryant Park bathroom the crown jewel of the over 600 publiclavatories in the New York City Park system? Following the bathroom's 2006 renovation, The Times sang the bathroom's praises, in awe of the "grand 10-foot coffered ceilings, mosaic tiles, a crown molding of painted wood, illumination from brushed stainless-steel wall sconces, indirect cove lighting, a wainscoting of mosaic vines and flowers, mirrors framed in cherry wood and, yes, sinks and a baby-changing table capped with Bianco Verde marble from India." 

Just clean up after yourself. This national treasure deserves to be kept pristine for the next visitor.