The Worst Chain Restaurants in America

One of the worst aspects of American culture is our reliance on chain restaurants. Since the 1950s, our country has been on a slow march towards making every exit off of every interstate in the country look exactly the same. Local diners and holes-in-the-wall across the U.S. continue to close their doors every year to make room for yet another fast food joint or over-priced "casual dining experience." Like most awful things that our world has to offer, these things are our fault. We've been lured by large portions, temporary sales, and talking animal mascots into these bland, harshly lit food factories. We have only ourselves to blame for the death of American food culture.

Let's take a look at some of the worst of these corporate cuisines that are being forced down our collective gullets. Whether they are fast food spots known to produce food that isn't fit for human consumption or tacky sit-down restaurants engineered for couples who have all but given up to chow down on unlimited carbohydrates of some sort, these are the lowest lows in American dining. Our scorn is just as unlimited as the breadsticks: here are the 15 Worst Chain Restaurants in America.

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Dumbest menu item: The Hobbit Meal

No, we've never been to Denny's sober, either. But, just like we don't have to be sober to know that a woman is hot or a beer is cold, we can tell you that Denny's sucks, even with beer goggles firmly on. Denny's seems to have realized its shortcomings as of late, and has resorted to gimmicks like "Baconalia" and the Hobbit Menu to ironically entice customers through their doors ironically. They reported to their shareholders that they will continue their comittment to gimmicks in the coming quarter, as well as comitting to "design improvements" in their restaurants. If the main thing that you have to tout to your shareholders is that you are renovating, perhaps it's time to ask yourself some tough questions. Actually, after seeing videos like this, maybe renovations aren't such a bad idea.

Dumbest menu item: Oreo Madness

Though we can't tell the difference between TGIFriday's and Ruby Tuesday, apparently the restaurant-going public can. While Ruby Tuesdays struggles mightly to keep their faux-wooden doors open, Friday's is doing just fine. The chain did take a substantial PR hit recently, when a number of their New Jersey franchises were busted for passing off cheap swill as top shelf liquor. To be fair to Friday's, this was an isolated incident and could have happened to any shoddily managed chain manufactured by a faceless conglomerate.

But their overpriced bar food and shabby stab at creating an authentic sportsbar atmosphere? That's on them. If you've ever wondered how food at these "casual dining" restaurants was prepared, check out this Salon article from 2009 in which a former Friday's cook reports that the fine cuisine was prepared with the help of "a flotilla of microwaves." Let no one say that Friday's never gave you anything. That makes for a pretty amazing mental image.

Dumbest menu item: Strawberry Shortcake in a Jar

"But the biscuits are so tasty!" is the argument you always hear when a reasonable human tries to point out all of the unappealing aspects of Red Lobster to regular customer. Despite having a menu and decor less appealing than the tackiest independent seafood restaurant, patrons continue to flock to the restaurant to celebrate another year in the tedium of marriage or a promotion to middle management. Though an average dinner will set you back at least $30 after your biscuit and drink, customers continue to not look for alternatives.

On top of the inflated prices and faux-fancy trappings, the brass at Red Lobster treat their employees terribly. Back in 2005, employees of Red Lobster and Olive Garden filed a class-action lawsuit that won them $9.5 million in compensation for denied breaks and forcing employees to purchase their own uniforms as if they worked in a 19th century mining town. How do those biscuits taste now?

Dumbest menu item: The "Perfect" Cheesecake (their quotations, not ours)

Many fast food joints traffic in terrible pizza. There are at least a half dozen options for subpar pies in every town in the country. Only Sbarro makes a go at fast food pasta and lasagna with the lassiez-faire attitude and presentation we expect from our greatest national chains. They don't even have a signature dish that you associate with their mediocrity. The media and customers have noticed Sbarro's utter lack of comittment to excellence. A Slate article from 2011 cited Sbarro as "America's Least Essential Restaurant," which is spot-on, if we do say so ourselves.

If you've noticed that you've been liberated from the bland tyranny of Sbarro as of late, this is not simply because your long-held fantasies coming true. The market caught up with Sbarro several years ago and the restaurant was forced to file for bankruptcy. Sbarro is down, but not out. Inexplicably, many of their franchises have weathered the decline of malls, their traditional host, and are going strong. With their most widely known PR coming courtesy of Michael Scott dumbly mistaking Sbarro for an authentic New York slice, and no disernible brand identity otherwise, we can only imagine that it will be so long before Sbarro is taken out of its, and our, misery.

Dumbest menu item: Glamburgers

For some unfathomable reason, these monuments to tasteless decadence have been rated as America's favorite chain restaurant in a recent survey. Eating at the Cheesecake Factory and concluding that you've had a nice meal is like watching porn and believing that you know what it's like to have sex. Though everything looks like it's supposed to, the immense variety of just OK food and chintzy decór keep you at an arms length from what a truly quality meal should feel like.

What the Cheesecake Factory's menu lacks in originality and, well, taste, it makes up for in portion size. The restaurant took such heated criticism for its gluttonous fare that they opted to save face and add the Skinnylicious® (thanks for letting us know that brilliant word is trademarked, CF.) menu to their arsenal of superfically ethnic fare. With such appealing dishes as the "Bang-Bang Chicken and Shrimp" going for almost $20 before you add $4.50 for such exotic appetizers as "green beans," factor in $8 for a slice of their obligatory cheesecake, and $4 for a water, you can go a legitimate fancy restaurant and feel like you got a substantial discount.

For those of you out there who love making decisions more than actually eating, you're in luck. Cheesecake Factory offers a twenty page menu full of foods at similarly inflated prices. Before taking your girl to the Cheesecake Factory for that anniversary, heed the words of one food critic, "If there are 92 specials, how special can they be?" How special indeed.

Dumbest menu item: Awesome Pot Roast

Abandon hope, all ye who enter a chain buffet. We always knew that Golden Corral was pretty gross, but we didn't expect the first several pages of search results for "Golden Corral" to contain the phrase "dumpster food." If you're interested in never going to a Golden Corral ever again, check out this video of food stored a bit too close to a dumpster. We're really not sure how to follow that up, except to say that we doubt any of you were treating Golden Corral as anything but a last resort anyway, so this shouldn't affect your day to day very much. If you were a Golden Corral fan, let this be the intervention you needed.

Dumbest menu item: Boneless Bodacious Tenders

Yes, the food at the Hard Rock Café is pretty damn mediocre, but the ambiance is so unbearable, it is hard to focus on the shortcomings of the cuisine. This might be the greatest trick the Hard Rock Café ever played on us. Our culture already does enough fetishizing of fossilized rock bands like the Rolling Stones and AC/DC. We're not sure why the world needs a tourist trap restaurant with knock-off rock and roll memorabilia shown off with the elegance and taste of a Chuck E. Cheese.

If you're forced into a Hard Rock Café because the staff of every other bar in the metropolitan area is raptured, you might just be lucky enough to see your favorite washed up bands of yesteryear play while you dine on some chicken wings. For example, in June of this year some Michiganers were lucky enough to see Wang Chung perform. We weren't able to attend, but we wager that they rocked the New Buffalo Hard Rock until the break of 10:30 p.m. Until Guy Fieri's restaurant goes national, or the franchise stops shoving X-Factor runners-up and whatever set of sad old bastards are calling themselves the Beach Boys these days down our throats, the Hard Rock Café will remain our favorite theme chain restaurant whipping boy.

Dumbest menu item: ExtravaganZZa Feast

Pizza might be the only food that you can get from an independent restaurant in any town or city in America. In large cities, there are infinite pizza options. New York City boasts an estimated 1,600 pizza places. And yet, Domino's remains in business. Domino's pizza is so notoriously subpar that they've had to launch a national campaign telling Americans they were going to raise their pizza game to the level of barely acceptable. We're not sure what's worse: that a major corporation can get away with such a campaign or that the "Domino's Turnaround" was such a success. For those of you who have resisted taking the Turnaround Challenge thus far, we're here to tell you that Domino's Pizza still sucks. Fear not, all is right with the world.

Dumbest menu item: Monster Biscuit

We're not sure what circumstances could entice one to eat at a Hardees. Perhaps, you're lost on a cross-country roadtrip and end up in some depressed one-horse town with no other restaurants. Maybe every other restaurant has fallen victim to a zombie apocalypse and/or alien attack. Whatever motivated you to frequent a Hardees, accept our heartfelt condolences. We're sorry it came to this.

You can take some solace in the fact that the employees of Hardees are just as miserable as you are. A recent Glassdoor.com survey found that Hardees/Carl's Jr. had the most dissatisfied workers, with only Little Caesar's giving them a run for their money. At least Little Caesar's has the excuse that there are no more Little Caesar's anywhere—what's Hardees excuse? There seems to be a godforsaken Hardees franchise collecting dust and filled with overweight elderly people in pretty much every town in this great country. Such a shame.

Dumbest menu item: Shareables

"We keep it dark in here so you can't see the food." This was honestly what I was told by my waitressthe last time I was at a Ruby Tuesday and asked why the place was lit only slightly better than a shadow puppet show. Ruby Tuesday reported a 401% drop in year-over-year income to shareholders last month. This came after an attempt from new CEO JJ Buettgen to give the restaurant an "upscale makeover" by doing things like "emphasizing wine over beer." Shockingly, customers weren't ready to associate Ruby Tuesday with class. What's next for Ruby Tuesday? We couldn't care less.

Dumbest menu item: Double R Bar Burger

While seeing signage for some fast food joints fills you with pity or boredom, only Roy Rogers moves us to anger. The reason for this is that Roy Rogers can only exist in an environment where reluctant customers are forced to consume their nearly inedible fare. Interstate turnpikes are the natural habitat of a Roy Rogers. Dissapointed travelers file into the service center, scanning the rest stop with their weary eyes, hoping in vain for some option, any option, other than Roy's. Just a heads up for the next time you are tricked/forced/ tortured into eating at Roy Rogers: they've recently added a Chorizo Breakfast Wrap and a Four Cheese Macaroni and Cheese to inject a little bit of variety into the awful experience of dining there.

If you're interested in getting fired from your job, and burning every possible bridge with your former co-workers, check out the restaurant's catering options for your next company gathering here.