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Last time we saw Don Draper, in the penultimate episode of the sixth season of Mad Men, he was assuming the fetal position. This is a far cry from the coldly confident ad man we've grown to, not love necessarily, but something close to care about.
Don can be a bastard, as evidenced by so many of these scathing put-downs, such burning moments of ether that the viewer can only wince from the safety of their couch. Many of these sonnings are deserved, either because of incompetence or disrespect, but that doesn't make them any less savage.
Behold, Don Draper's 25 Greatest Sonnings.
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25. "Who the hell is in charge, a bunch of accountants trying to make a dollar into a dollar ten? I want to work. I want to build something of my own. How do you not understand that?"
Episode: "Shut the Door. Have a Seat." (Season 3, Episode 13
Context: As the agency teeters on the verge of getting swallowed by a bigger firm, Don barks to Cooper about wanting to work. It's like the scene in Jurassic Park, where Dr. Grant talks about how the T. Rex doesn't want to be fed, he wants to hunt. Don wants to earn his goat. And scare small children.
24. "Why? Because your parents are rich? Because you went to prep school and have a $5.00 haircut? You've been given everything. You've never worked for anything in your life."
Episode: "Nixon vs. Kennedy" (Season 1, Episode 12)
Context: Pete Campbell is Don's favorite whipping boy during the early seasons, and it's all because of that damn haircut.
23. "I'd have my secretary do it, but she's dead."
Episode: "The Beautiful Girls" (Season 4, Episode 9)
Context: R.I.P. Ida Blankenship—she just killed the club. No, in reality, Ida Blankenship, a secretary appointed to Don so that he'd keep his cock to himself, just died. And by dying, she's created a problem for Don and, even more so, for Dr. Faye. Sally's run away to the office to see her dad, but he's gotta work. With Ida departed, this leaves Dr. Faye to watch the oldest child of Don and Betty.
Gotta hand it to Don for being so pleasant when he explains this to the good doctor.
22. "I eat a lot of apples."
Episode: "For Those Who Think Young" (Season 2, Episode 1)
Context: Not all of Don's disrespectful shit involves philosophizing about want and the cruel nature of the universe. Sometimes, he's just quipping to his doctor about why he hasn't visited in a while.
21. "No one will like you."
Episode: "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" (Season 1, Episode 1)
Context: This is just the capper to the first documented instance of Don wiping the smug smile from Pete's mouth. The reason? Pete's made untoward remarks about Peggy, and on her first day at the office.
20. "You already know about Jesus, either he lives in your heart or he doesn't."
Episode: "The Hobo Code" (Season 1, Episode 8)
Context: The seemingly random mention of Jesus is the kind of Mamet-flavored dirty talk that sounds so good coming from Don's mouth. Here, he's berating a client into buying his ad with sweet nothings about lipstick kisses and ownership. Get Draper the good leads, the Glengarry leads.
19. "Did you ever think I left you there because I thought you could handle it?"
Episode: "Meditations in an Emergency" (Season 2, Episode 13)
Context: Fact: Don disappears in California to search for his soul (he doens't find it). He did not leave Pete alone thinking that Pete could handle it. He left Pete alone thinking, "I give no fucks." Still, it sounds so nice when he dresses down Pete with this rough compliment.
18. "You do not 'cover for me.' You manage people's expectations."
Episode: "The Benefactor (Season 3, Episode 3)
Context: Tip for working with Don: Don't talk to him. He won't like what you have to say. His secretary tries to explain her behavior in the wake of a problematic commercial shoot, but it's already over. Like how a severed head can blink after a ride on the guillotine. She doesn't know she's already dead but still she talks.
17. "Oh, that's right. We have the one whose planes didn't just fall out of the sky."
Episode: "Flight 1" (Season 2, Episode 2)
Context: An American Airlines flight goes down, killing Pete Campbell's father, and all the higher-ups at Sterling Cooper see is an opportunity. Except Don. During the argument about trying to nab American in the wake of the accident, Don brings up the fact that the firm already has an airline, to which Roger replies, "We don't have American." Don's response wins points for accuracy and snark.
16. "Now that I can finally understand you, I am less impressed with what you have to say."
Episode: "Wee Small Hours" (Season 3, Episode 9)
Context: Everybody loves Kurt Smith, the gay German designer with insight into the youths. Turns out his thoughts on promoting Hilton hotels are not quite so fine-tuned. Don drops this gem in kind.
15. "It wasn't a lie, it was ineptitude with insufficient cover."
Episode: "Marriage of Figaro" (Season 1, Episode 3)
Context: Don's language has the feeling of cement. Jon Hamm's performance is such that you can hear the care in his word choice, and feel the enunciation. You snap to attention when, for example, he clarifies the language of Rachel Menken, the head of a department store he's creeping with in season one, after she mentions getting caught in a lie.
14. "Well, that was actually my ex-wife and her husband, and some slob who's about to have the worst dinner of his life."
Episode: "The Summer Man" (Season 4, Episode 8)
Context: Rock bottom for Don, in season four, comes after the death of Anna Draper, in "The Suitcase," the episode preceding "The Summer Man." During his free fall in the wake of his divorce, Don tries dating the young and wily Bethany Van Nuys. While out to dinner with her, he spots Betty, the silver fox Henry Francis, and, well, that other guy. He gets sonned purely for the viewer's pleasure.
13. "That's not a strategy, that's two strategies connected by the word 'and.' I can do 'where the pros go' or I can do 'everyone's welcome,' not both."
Episode: "The Beautiful Girls" (Season 4, Episode 9)
Context: As a writer, I know nothing about successful business tactics and/or money-making, so I have no idea if this gem from Don would sound smart in a real advertising meeting, but dammit if Jon Hamm doesn't sell the shit out of the line. Good try, Kenny, but Fillmore Auto Parts deserves better. (But not really—they're a bunch of racists).
12. "Listen, Pete, I need you to go get a cardboard box. Put your things in it. Okay?"
Episode: "New Amsterdam" (Season 1, Episode 4)
Context: Pete ignores the chain of command during a meeting with Bethlehem Steel, and nothing pisses off Don so much as overstepping boundaries. Nah, nothing pisses off Don so much as Pete Campbell. (Cooper steps in and saves the little shit to preserve the connections afforded by Campbell's wealthy family. Goddamn one percent.)
11. "Let's take it a little slower; I don't want to end up pregnant."
Episode: "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" (Season 1, Episode 1)
Context: Before it was the move to just punch Pete in the face, most dealt with the bratty accounts man with sarcasm. That's the case here: Pete's trying to make amends with Don after some inappropriate comments, so D.D. lays it on thick.
10. "You want some respect? Go out there and get it for yourself."
Episode: "The Summer Man" (Season 4, Episode 8)
Context: Don's had harsh words for Peggy over the course of the show's six seasons, but it always comes from a place of desperation, in that, on some level, Don has to be aware that his relationship with Peggy is one of the only non-sexual relationships he has with a woman that involves respect and admiration. And yet he snaps at her all the time. Like this moment in "The Summer Man."
9. "Go to Paris."
Episode: "The Other Woman" (Season 5, Episode 11)
Context: Not all sonnings make you feel empowered. When Don tosses money in Peggy's face and tells her to "Go to Paris," you only feel how broken this man is.
8. "Here's the name of the person who'll be handling your account from now on."
Episode: "Man With a Plan" (Season 6, Episode 7)
Context: Because Joan had to fuck the head of the Jaguar dealers' association to get the account, no one wants to keep the client around (their car couldn't even kill Lane properly). Thus, Don delivers this kiss off.
7. "Well, gentlemen, you were wondering what a creative agency looks like? There you have it. Hope you enjoyed looking in the window."
Episode: "Public Relations" (Season 4, Episode 1)
Context: Oh, some family values-oriented swimwear company waltzes in wanting Don to neuter his ads? The only thing Draper keeps classy is his fuck you to the milquetoast dweebs wanting to sell bikinis "the right way."
6. "Peggy, I'm glad that this is an environment where you feel free to fail."
Episode: "The Suitcase" (Season 4, Episode 7)
Context: After a lousy pitch involving suitcases and Joe Namath, Peggy shuts the door for some stone-faced criticism from Don delivered in a flat tone for ultimate embarrassment and shame.
5. "I don't think about you at all."
Episode: "Dark Shadows" (Season 5, Episode 9)
Context: And it'll be a cold day in hell when Don does think about Michael Ginsberg, the caffeinated and brilliant copy writer brought on in season five. Actually, Don probably thinks about Ginsberg quite a lot, because a) Ginsberg has great ideas, and b) every time he puts his foot in his mouth, D.D. has to clean up the mess.
However, on "Dark Shadows," Ginsberg is the rightfully pissed party; Don opts to leave Michael's pitch in the cab when meeting with Snoball. Ginsberg confronts Don in an elevator after the fact, telling him, "I feel bad for you." Don's quick with the burn.
4. "But what is happiness? It's a moment before you need more happiness. I won't settle for 50 percent of anything. I want a 100 percent. You're happy with your agency? You're not happy with anything, you don't want most of it, you want all of it. And I won't stop until you get all of it."
Episode: "Commissions and Fees" (Season 5, Episode 12)
Context: The suits at Dow Chemical are such pansies, they're content with just half of the market. Don serves them with a pitch that feels more like sexual harrassment. As Roger puts it, "Wipe the blood off your mouth."
3. "That's what the money is for!"
Episode: "The Suitcase" (Season 4, Episode 7)
Context: One of the most important lines in the history of the show, from one of the best episodes, "That's what the money is for!" is the zenith of Don and Peggy's fight about payment and gratitude. Late at night, in the office, they argue about award-winning Glo-Coat ad—Peggy wants credit for the idea; Don calls her contribution a "kernel." She says that he never says "thank you," and Don loses his cool, shouting "That's what the money is for!"
Peggy's asking for some kind of human interaction between the two, but Don can only conceive of their relationship in terms of capitalism. This changes by the end of the episode.
2. "Well, I hate to break it to you, but there is no big lie. There is no system. The universe is indifferent."
Episode: "The Hobo Code" (Season 1, Episode 8)
Context: In Mad Men's first season, beatniks jump up to get beat down by Don Draper. In one of the most quoted moments on the show, a young bearded man with feelings tells Don that he "makes the lie" and manufactures want via evil advertising, prompting a brief but potent lecture on the nature of things.
1. "On a bed made of money."
Episode: "Babylon" (Season 1, Episode 6)
Context: Don Draper is easy to hate, especially in the first season of Mad Men, when you're just getting to know him. He's a steely womanizer, a money-making thing without a soul. Of course, his monologue about nostalgia during the season one finale changes that, but mid-way through the season, you might find yourself thinking, This guy is rotten. But then he dismantles some beatnik with this retort about sleeping on a bed made of money, and you can't help but nod in approval.
One of Don's greatest attributes is his resistance to sentiment outside of the board room, and this is Double D at his cold-hearted best. "How do you sleep?" the punk asks. There's your answer, bruh bruh.
