Director: Adam Shankman
Stars: Tom Cruise, Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Paul Giamatti, Malin Akerman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mary J. Blige

Two hours' worth of big-name movie stars wearing laughable '80s rocker garb while singing karoake? On paper, that pitch sounds utterly excruciating, and, we're not so happy to report, Rock of Ages is exactly that. Tenfold.

Based on the hit Broadway musical, director Adam Shankman's glitzy, ditzy musical feels like a shallow vanity project for every actor and actress involved. Even worse, it's devoid of any fervor for anyone other than the stars' agents, their financial advisers, and those obnoxious folks who frequent '80s bars and play air guitar whenever a Def Leppard song begins.