1.
Image via landmark.mogats.com
It’s Sunday March 29th, and an Emergency Illuminati Meeting is being held in a penthouse of the Ocean Reef Resort in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Oprah, Jay Z, Eagle-Eye Cherry, James Van Der Beek and Kanye West are the only ones in attendance.
Kanye West
Yo why the fuck are we in Myrtle Beach at this shitty hotel? What about that emerald temple in Bali I proposed we use for meetings?
Oprah
Your proposal is still being reviewed by the board, but let me mention that there are many concerns over the price of renting out the temple. Also, let me take this time to remind you all that our monthly fees will be increasing to $49.99 in 2016, so be prepared for that. And lastly, Mr. West, please try to keep the cursing to a minimum today.
Oprah shoots Kanye a stone cold look and he stays silent, avoiding eye contact.
Oprah
Thank you to everyone for showing up on such short notice. Jay, the floor is yours.
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Image via Rolling Stone
Jay Z
Thanks O. Okay guys, here’s the deal. I’m launching my new music streaming app, Tidal, tomorrow and I need some ideas for how to roll this out and make the biggest market impact to show people this is a service that they need. I want to come with something hot and fresh, and really catch people’s attention and get them to actually consider using Tidal as their main music streaming provider.
Kanye gets out a notebook and starts flipping through pages and jotting down notes. He doodles a minotaur, an underwater castle, and a picture of Lil B.
Jay Z
You guys are the best and the brightest, so let me hear some ideas.
James Van Der Beek
Jay, my man. How about we get people to change their twitter pictures to a solid color, and tweet the hashtag #FreeTidal. I really think that’s the best way to launch this app, which by the way, I think is a brilliant idea Jay-dawg.
Jay Z
Thank you James. I love the idea, but let me mention that Tidal is not free, nor do I want to get it misconstrued that Tidal might be a person that is incarcerated. But the Twitter pictures… that’s top notch stuff.
Oprah
What about #TidalForAll? YOU get some Tidal, and YOU get some Tidal! Tidal for all!
Jay Z
O! I love it!
Kanye jumps up out of his chair.
Kanye West
HAHA! Jay you’re joking right? A Twitter campaign with a hashtag? The fuck is that? I’ve got some guys working on these laser projectors, right? I can get TIDAL projected on the moon. The MOON, Jay! Everyone in the world, kids in Mongolia gonna be begging for Tidal when they see that. Fuck a Twitter campaign. What is this, a disease? Kony?
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Image via bostonherald.com
Eagle-Eye Cherry
Mr. West, I believe Oprah made it clear that there shall be no cursing today. To the corner, please.
Kanye West
Hey fuck you, Eagle-Eye Cherry.
Oprah
You know the rules Kanye, if an elder Illuminati member sentences you to a punishment, you must obey. Now, go stand in that corner and stay quiet for five minutes.
Kanye lets out a frustrated sigh and walks into a corner of the room. He stands there with his nose an inch from the wall.
Oprah
Now that we have the marketing settled, what color should we go with?
Just then, Eagle-Eye Cherry’s cell phone goes off. His ringtone is his own hit song, “Save Tonight.”
Kanye West
You gotta be kidding this fucking guy has his own song as his ringtone?!
Oprah
That’ll be another minute in the corner Mr. West!
James Van Der Beek
Dope ‘tone bro.
James Van Der Beek and Eagle-Eye Cherry fist bump.
Jay Z
I got this baby blue that I like. I think we’re all set!
Oprah
Excellent! Next order of business, pending Illuminati applications, next potential member under review is Katie Got Bandz.
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Image via naughtygossip.com
Kanye storms out of the corner.
Kanye West
No. No way! Kim’s been waiting for two years and you telling me Katie Got Bandz is up for a spot before her? No.
Oprah
Oh I absolutely love “Pop Out.”
James Van Der Beek
Back in the corner Yeezy!
The whole room busts out laughing. Oprah walks over to a Touch Tunes and plays “Pop Out.”
Oprah
This my jam! KaaAAAaaaAAatie! You’re in!
The whole room cheers. Kanye screams.
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