There are probably some good “Call Me Maybe” covers out there. There are probably plenty of artists chock full of artistic integrity that just happened to think that underneath the layers of meaningless, brain-numbingly catchy musical waste that there is a good song suffocating, gasping. We’re sure that those artists have done wonderful, creatively inspired covers of “Call Me Maybe.” We have not heard them. What we have heard is assholes, douchebags, and bimbos taking on the most obvious pop song of the last year and somehow managing to dumb it down even more. Here are 10 of the worst.

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Remember when the boy band trend was over and then came back again and then was over again and then came back again and then was over and then came back again and then was over and then came back again? In some ways, music is the opposite of pi.

Here we are in 2012, and these bros are boy banding it up again, singing 2gether (but also separately) on “Call Me Maybe,” getting those tween girls all frisky on some, “I want the blonde!” and “I want the one with the swoopy bangs!” Then of course there’s the token dude with the beanie. Ugh, don’t play that role, bro—you know you’re gonna end up with a drug addiction, right? I give this guy four months before he’s snorting bath salts and chewing that little blonde one’s face off.

Alex Goot, Dave Days, & Chad Sugg

I’ve never seen Glee, but I imagine it goes something like this. You can tell these guys have some talent (because those instruments in the video are definitely the ones used in the studio), but come on guys, you’re better than that. Aren’t you too old for this?


How old are these girls, because I’m slightly attracted to 3 out of the 6 of them. Not sure if that’s a problem. To be honest, some of them look old enough to be the mothers of the other ones. This is very family-friendly, so I guess that could be the case. I doubt it though. If I had to bet, I’d say one of them is a mother, but the mother of a very young child. Probably a 2-year-old. The rest are not mothers. Three of them still live with their mom, though. Oh my god why did I just watch this three times? Why am I dancing? WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?

Cimorelli ft. MattyBRaps

Didn’t think this could get worse, and then they throw a viral baby rapper on that Cimorelli joint! MattyBRaps is the obnoxious kid rapper that wears a hat with his own name on it. People like him on some, “Aw, don’t hate” kind of stuff, but nobody really likes him except other babies, maybe. I don’t know. I don’t talk to babies. He’s probably been on Ellen’s show, where even the worst of people are treated with kindness.

Before you get all appalled at the idea of calling a little baby kid a horrible person, realize that this kid (‘s parents) have made more off of his YouTube videos and public appearances than the average family in America has probably made all year. And then watch this, and hop on the hate bus, because if you don’t feel a little bit of hate after watching this, you should be ashamed.

Megan and Liz and Max Schneider

If there’s one surefire way to make one corny thing more corny, it’s by adding some beatboxing. Beatboxing is cool when you first discover it in elementary school. It stays cool to some people through middle school. After that, it’s a wrap. Unless you’re one of the few incredibly talented beatboxers (you’re not), stick to using your mouth for speech, chewing, sex stuff, and woodwinds.

Now look, this trio seems really happy, really positive. They are probably the type of people to be like, “Look on the bright side, you’re still alive and the sun is still shining!” I don’t want to be the one to spoil that. Seeing people happy makes me happy too, but as important as it is to be positive, I also strongly believe that it’s important to cut away at the “ignorance is bliss” mind frame. It’s as poisonous as negativity itself. Guys, there’s just no way that over 1,000,000 people should watch this and enjoy it. Watch it, yes, but hate it, maybe. Then go vote for me, ’cause I’m, like, in this competition, and like, if I can get 20,000 votes I’ll, like, get to sing on a stage! Thanx U ROCK!

Ben Howard

I can’t lie, this isn’t even bad, but it’s like fuck you for making me kinda like this song. You think you can just introduce a cello and suddenly this song is awesome? Er, yeah, basically.

Ebon Lurks

Nothing hurts more than building up high expectations and then having them ripped down. First off, let’s just go ahead and put it out there: this guy has the best intro of all time. Wow. He said, “This is ‘Call Me Maybe’ by Carly Jemson, Jepson, I don’t even know how to say your last name, BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY HERO BIEBER!” This guy. Like fuck it, why would you know how to pronounce her last name?

Also, props to him for having a phone ready. All you other motherfuckers out there are putting your hands up to your ears but sorry A HAND IS NOT A PHONE.

Tanner Patrick

Over the past few years, there have been a lot of stories about school bullying. Awareness of the issue is a good thing, and it’s caused a lot of people to step up and do something about it. Hopefully soon, we can wipe out bullies completely, like we are doing with polar bears.

But there will be other issues that arise, and one is an overabundance of undeserved confidence. Tanner – we get it, you play the guitar. You don’t need to bring that shit on the field, on the steps, on the bleachers… busting out your acoustic AND the electric like some hot shot.

I’m happy for you and glad that your high school grounds are making you all comfortable, but let me just say that you’re lucky you didn’t grow up in those hard times of the mid-2000’s, when bullying was just “the way it is.” Back in my day, when I wanted to smile and play guitar at the same time I did it in the fucking bathroom, G.


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