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Last time I did one of these, it was in the early stages of 2010. The year is more than halfway over, and the bloggers are multiplying like little, squrimy seahorses coming out of their fathers’ assholes. (Seahorses do that, you know? The male gives birth, or whatever. I’m not sure that it happens through the anus, but that’s what I imagine.) As more and more pesky bloggers appear in the blogosphere, they split up and head into different corners of the room like inmates at a prison cafeteria.
We’ve already gone through some of these energy draining parasites in Round 1 and Round 2, but I think we’re ready for a Round 3. Yeah? Here are some more stereotypical blog types for you to look out for. Read on if you want….
The Brown Nosers
These motherfuckers are constantly kissing the asses of other bloggers, artists, labels, promoters – shit, anyone that is more popular than them. You get the feeling that before they reply to a Tweet, they check how many followers the person has. They will talk shit on an artist, then a week later you’ll catch them fanatically chatting to that same artist, trying to suck out whatever attention they can. As bloggers, we all want attention, but how about you don’t be a little bitch about it?
The Soulless blogger is one that, simply put, lacks human emotion. Music is art, right? There is passion, emotion, and heart behind that work. It takes a human to understand it. But these bloggers can write a five page review, complete with a designated number on a scale of 1 to 10 to declare, in their opinion, how good or bad that piece is, with a flagrant disregard for a sense of humanity. They are very focused on using correct grammar, always stating “we” not “I”, because in a professional review, there is no “I”. Huh? After reading one of these reviews, all I can picture is a roundtable of robot scholars, carefully calculating each word as they craft their elitist review of the new indie sensation record. Fuck that. If you consulted with a team of professionals to form your opinion, fine, use “we”, but if you stayed up all night listening to a new album, just fucking tell us how you feel. Blogging is not professional journalism. 2010, yeah?
The Hot Girls
These are bloggers that also happen to be attractive females. Their Facebook picture is them being hot (sometimes with a celebrity!) Their Twitter picture is them being hot in a different setting (If this pic is with a different celebrity, bonus points!). Sometimes if you go to their blogs there will be a third picture of them being hot. It’s hard to hate on them, because everyone likes pretty girls, right? Oh well, Twitter me, maybe we can collaborate?
Much like The Brown Nosers, The Socialites are a breed of blogger that only loves to talk to other connected people. I get it, we all like music. But the thing is: so does every fucking body. Everybody likes music. That doesn’t mean every single one of your friends has to blog. If you go out every night with Blogger A, Blogger B, and Blogger C, and if you’re also dating Blogger D, Skyping daily with Blogger E, and sexting on the reg with Blogger F you’re probably placing too much emphasis on this blogging shit. At some point, it starts to seem like what you look for in people is not character, but blogger. And that’s weird. Or maybe I’m just biased because I’m anti-social.
The Obscure Hunters
This label is weird, and you probably don’t understand what it means. That’s exactly what these bloggers are like. They post fucking weird house remixes of dubstep remixes of disco remixes of post-punk songs. The titles of their posts are all like “House Mozez – Sweat Box (Dirrrrty Fukkfest Let’s Get Sweaty ReWerk 2010 Remix Doubled Synth Vibe) vs The Talking Heads (Deep House Filth Mixxx)” After clicking on it, my computer automatically leaps into defense mode, assuming I’m looking at some kind of twisted porn site, and I don’t blame it. Who the fuck really listens to this? Around the 4th remix, the “beating a dead horse” phrase should come into play. Stop it, assholes. It’s shitty, and nobody likes it, no matter how many drugs they’re on.
Don’t worry too much about these fuckers, they’re really easy to point out. Here are some ways to spot them: Do they have shutter shades on in two or more of their 100 most recent photos? Do their awkward deep V-Necks get progressively deeper as you go through their Facebook pictures from 2009-2010? Do they go from regularly using words like “cool” and “neat” to “rad” and “PBR” within a two year period? Most likely, they are a fraud. Following trends, trying to maintain a far-fetched image,etc. These are wannabe hipsters that make the true, Brooklyn immigrant, bicycle riding, lo-fi bedroom-pop appreciating hipster population wanna vomit on their stupid ass faces. Making a hipster wanna vomit on your face is a low point. Get your shit together.