If a man says “I don’t want to commit to you” and you continue to ask him how he feels about starting a formal relationship, there are only three explanations for your lingering confusion: You suffer from hearing loss, you have a learning disability that makes it difficult for you to decipher basic-ass statements, or you’re just stubbornly stuck on stupid. Hazel E doesn’t strike me as someone suffering from the Helen Keller or the Theo Huxtable so one can only assume she’s in need of a dunce cap.
Hazel invites Yung Berg over to her new apartment where she reflects on her rift with Teairra Mari. Berg really doesn’t care, but like many men, makes just enough facial expressions and offers the right amount of mumbling to suggest he’s actually invested in the conversation. This is happening while they’re passing a bottle of Ciroc back and forth which ends how one might expect to: Hazel heading to the bed to bend over as Berg in turns follows the leader. The next morning, Hazel hits Berg with chatter about commitment and Berg makes it plain: I’m not committing to you. I don’t want a title. I’m not going to stop screwing around with other women.
Yet, Hazel says in the confessional, “We have an amazing night like last night and I’m back to being the jump off of the day. Make up your mind, dude.” He’s mind has already been made up, beloved. You just refuse to take him at his word because whenever you open your legs to him, he dives into the express lane. But that shouldn’t be surprising because Berg has admitted to being a ho, bird brain.
last night’s episode confirmed that, unlike other installments of the Love & Hip Hop franchise, the Hollywood edition is one in which the men have way more sense than the women.
Suffice to say, Hazel, there is no point in asking Berg, “Don’t you think it’s time to rock with a down-ass chick or no?” when the answer is clear. By the way, who still talks like a Murder Inc. single from 2002? When Hazel said, “I can fall all the way back,” Berg instantly wrote back, “Do what you gotta do.”
I really hope this is just for additional camera time, but even then there are more respectable ways of getting shine than debasing yourself for Yung Berg. Like, say, throwing liquor bottles.
In related “This Is Not How You Handle a Relationship” news, grownup Fizz wants his girlfriend, Amanda, to move-in with him for two reasons: He wants a stepmom for his son, and it will “allow me to trust her more.” The trust issue is rooted in Amanda cheating on him in the past. Yeah, you move in with someone because you already have trust; shacking up should not be a trust-building exercise.
The same goes for Soulja Boy, who wants Niki and her son to move in to prove that he is ready to be a different kind of man. I find Soulja Boy wanting to take in someone else’s child and assist in the childrearing admirable, only Soulja Boy ought to stop being a kid himself before he tackling that responsibility. That said, I was somewhat shocked to see him astutely note that Niki’s trust issues are rooted in her dad, Teddy Riley, having nine kids with six different women. Listen, when Soulja Boy calls you out on your trust issues, you need to go sit on somebody’s couch and work your issues out.
That aside, last night’s episode confirmed that unlike other installments of the Love & Hip Hop franchise, the Hollywood edition is one in which the men have way more sense than the women.
Enter Nikki, Morocco’s answer to both Kimberly Jones and Kimberly Kardashian, who, thanks to Morgan’s messy ass, met Masaki in person to discuss their shared bae, Mally Mal. As I mentioned last week, I don’t give a good damn about these people and this situation, but if they’re going to keep cramming it in our faces, here I go (Mystikal).
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Masika, who looks a lot like crazy lady on TV Janice Dickinson’s illegitimate Black daughter, is a bit more reasonable than Nikki, who is practically a blow up doll. Earlier in the episode, Nikki explained to her mama, the Moroccan Kris Jenner, “You can’t help who you love.” Uh, you can, Nikki, especially if he has you on national TV looking like an idiot with a promise ring.
These two are going back and forth over whom Mally Mal’s woman is, saying shit like “According to my phone, you are not his woman.” And if that doesn’t sound stupid enough, Nikki goes on to say in braggadocios fashion, “We don’t use condoms.” You’re bragging about going raw with a man sleeping around. Nikki is like a varsity cheerleader for Chlamydia.
These two ended up throwing their drinks at each other and swinging (Masika, more so) and while all of this is happening I couldn’t help but think if Lil' Kim ever started a bad plastic surgery gang, all her recruits can come from this show.
Rounding out the awful is Omarion’s mama, who continues to bitch and moan about her son having a girlfriend that didn’t deliver and breastfeed him. Despite Omarion meeting with her privately to explain to her that she needs to accept his new circumstances (i.e. I cannot support you wholly), she maintains her bitterness and brings it to Apryl’s baby shower. Omarion’s mama showed up to a baby shower and told the woman with the baby on the way that she’s not ready to be a parent.
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Omarion uses “y’all” to describe the exchange, but it’s his mama who is solely behaving badly. She is obsessed with her son and jealous that he has the significant other she does not have. It takes a special brand of awful to make Momma Dee look like Claire Huxtable by comparison.
And with that, ‘til next time, folks.
Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem, and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him @youngsinick.
