The Best 90s Toys

Hey you, former '90s kid. Yeah, we’re talking to you. We're in the weeds of post-Christmas depression, coming down from all the spending and mourning for the presents we wanted but didn't receive. But while the sadness of not getting a Google Home in your stocking stings, it doesn't compare to the days when you loved ol’ Saint Nick, but gave all props up to the parental units. You worked damn hard to stay on Santa’s nice list. If you wanted to break your ankle in Nickelodeon moon shoes, you cleaned your room. No Elf on a Shelf bribery needed. 1990’s good behavior was a result of old-fashioned Yuletide spirit. Oh yeah and toys, lots of epic toys.

So what was it Kris Kringle brought in on that retro sleigh? Was it a pow pow Power Wheel or the wildly popular Easy Bake Oven? Kids prayed all month for Santa’s sack of goodies and come Christmas morning we didn't even think twice about dialing up our AOL. We were straight flying down those stairs to claim our holiday jackpot. And Bam! There we were, in the midst of that Christmas morning magic.

Hold up, let’s paint this picture. A glistening Christmas tree, remnants of cookies, lego-stacked presents. It was enough winter enchantment to supercede a school snow day. It was evident that Santa didn’t fit down your chimney. Now it was time to ransack the place in search of those new games, shiny rollerblades, and that puppy your parents didn’t didn’t buy you. Oh, the waiting! But getting mom and dad out of that wrapping-induced coma was another story.

Still can’t recall what kept you off the naughty list and the coal out your stocking? Well don’t sweat your jingle balls. Because we took the time to bring you some holly jolly nostalgia. Now lets recap the best 90s toys out there.

Parents' annoyance level: 6/10. We're sure "bop it, pull it, twist it, UUUUUGH!" played in our parents' nightmares for a month or so after this toy mysteriously disappeared.

Basically a fun version of Simon Says, the Bop-It taught girls across the nation how not to give a hand job.

Parents' annoyance level: 9/10. Parents had to teach their children about death through virtual pets.

Tamagotchis were important to the children who weren't allowed to get a puppy at Christmas time. They were also used to prove responsibility to get said puppy. "Look, Mom, I cleaned up all the virtual poop."

Parents' annoyance level: 5/10. Parents actually wasted money on pieces of cardboard.

Your slammer is da bomb. You've collected so many Pogs from those stupid second graders. Alf, Bart, this green guy—you probably have them all.

Parents' annoyance level: 4/10.

This is not the Zord your kid wanted, and now they're crying because you gave them the blue Ranger's Zord. How were you suppose to know he was the nerd? To this day, nothing has been as awesome as the first season of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, making these toys essential to a kid's "cool" credentials. They weren't only super sweet, they defined who you were: The Tyrannosaurus, you were a leader. The Pterodactyl, you were probably a girl. The Sabertooth Tiger, your older sister already called dibs on the Pterodactyl. The Mastodon, you were the token black kid. The Triceratops, you got teased a lot.

Parents' annoyance level: 1/10.

If not for the surprised shriek every kid let out when Daddy was woken up, this game would be virtually annoyance-free. We have this theory that the '90s were a decade full of absent dads—just look at two of the best X-Mas movies, The Santa Clause and Jingle All the Way, two workaholic fathers trying to win their son's affection. Don't Wake Daddy taught the importance of letting your own work-crazed father sleep in between his two jobs while you quietly played. And, if you did wake daddy, you lost the game and, in real life, got the belt.

Parents' annoyance level: 3/10.

Kids were never satisfied with one pack of trading cards. They had to, of course, collect them all. We still haven't forgiven that stupid Anthony, who we thought was our best friend, for stealing our holographic Charizard. Go to hell, Anthony.

Parents' annoyance level: 1/10.

Your child is disgusting. Why are little kids so attracted to disgusting things? Their hands are always sticky, they avoid baths like the plague, and their main hobbies include picking wedgies and their nose. Gooey Louie, the board game where children try to pick boogers out of Louie without blowing his brains out, was a popular toy. Please don't ask us why.

Parents' annoyance level: 1/10.

Oh, the disappointment your parents felt as they cleaned up your discarded K'Nex. You'd never be an engineer. Legos were just the introduction course to K'Nex. They took dedication and a little know-how. And maybe an instruction booklet to build that sweet roller coaster you saw on the commercial.

Parents' annoyance level: 2/10.

There were over 200 monsters to collect, and kids formed an insatiable need for them all. Not to be confused with the true pocket monsters, Pokemon, we're sure Monster in My Pocket was met with disappointment. Your parents bought you the wrong thing. But then you realized how awesome they were and you begged for the toys, the board game, the clothes, until you realized the true monster in your pocket was... you. You and your greed.

Parents' annoyance level: 10/10.

Not only was the Tickle Me Elmo unnerving in itself, it was almost impossible to get. We still remember the chaos that the evening news showed the weeks leading up to Christmas of parents trying to get the Tickle Me Elmo. We didn't even want the thing! But seeing all those parents fist-fight for it made us want it more than anything. It must be good if that many people are willing to stand outside KMart at two a.m. just for a shot at one. Once we got it, we realized that it was just a stuffed Elmo that giggled when you poked his belly. Thanks Santa, moving on. Your parents are left there Christmas morning, their coffee long gone cold, "But what about Elmo? Don't you want to play with Elmo? Please play with Elmo. Santa worked so hard to get you Elmo. Please for the love of God, play with Elmo."

Parents' annoyance level: 3/10.

They were expensive dolls and you, of course, had to have all five to avoid breaking up the band. Spice Girls and girl power itself ruled the '90s. You, or your sister, had all the cassettes, quoted the movie daily, and collected all five of the girls in doll-form. Then, you weren't allowed to take them out of the box and play with them because your mom thought they'd be worth something someday. You did it anyway, and that's why you had to take so many loans out for college.

Parents' annoyance level: 4/10.

Gak was successful in entertaining children and getting stuck in carpets. The goopy slime was sold mainly on the promise that it makes a fart sound when it was squeezed into its container. What a time to be alive!

Parents' annoyance level: 4/10.

Have you ever seen Floam go through a washing machine? Your mom has.

Floam, like Gak, was just a slimy product sold to kids, but with added microbeads, making it easier to mold with. And, unlike it's challenger, Play-Doh, we don't think it was washable.

Parents' annoyance level: 4/10.

There's nothing like letting your child play with molten plastic. Creepy Crawlers was a lot like the Easy Bake Oven, only instead of a cake that tastes like plastic, kids made actual plastic they melted themselves with a light bulb. Eh, it was better than the '60s version our parents enjoyed, where they melted the plastic at 390 degrees atop an open-face electric hot plate oven. Safety regulations made us soft.

Parents' annoyance level: 6/10.

Those stupid Nerf bullets were found everywhere or lost completely. How amazing were Nerf guns? Sure, they're bright orange and their bullets are made of foam, but they transported us completely to a war-torn nation that pitted friend against friend, sibling against sibling.

Parents' annoyance level: 8/10.

Hearing the same 15 seconds of the Spice Girls was a lot like water torture. Before MP3s there were Hit Clips, which were great if you only liked that one 15-second part of the top pop hits.

Parents' annoyance level: 4/10.

Your kid looks mad lame in these things and they're still falling down. There was always someone at the skate rink who was probably way to old for those Fisher-Price skates, cramming his man-foot in the toddler-sized toy because he didn't know how to rollerblade. But after we saw Brink, we had to have our very own pair.

Parents' annoyance level: 10/10.

There were a lot of crying kids on Christmas morning when parents had to tell them that Santa looked everywhere for this but they were all sold out. In a panic, parents added, "No, Santa couldn't make more, sweetie. They're copyrighted." One of the most popular toys of the decade provided about an hour of entertainment until its batteries were forcefully removed because of its repetitive noises. Fun memories include teaching it swear words and ,as the batteries died, its slow demonic voice, showing the Furby's true colors as a spawn of Satan rather than Santa.

Parents' annoyance level: 6/10.

Power Wheels had expensive batteries and, when your kid would run into the house/mailbox/neighborhood cat, they were always more work than they were worth. A child's first taste of freedom. We never felt cooler than rolling in our Jeep, sippin' on some juice, hollering at the honey bees. No, seriously. Have you ever accidentally run over an underground beehive in this? How fast do you think those Power Wheels could go? Not fast enough.

Parents' annoyance level: 7/10.

Fire hazard, dirty dishes, sugar rushes. Easy Bake Ovens were a really great concept for kids. Brownies! Whenever we wanted?! No help from mom! Yeah! Except you were cooking with a 40W bulb and, according to our skewed memory of time, it took four hours to cook a single serving. It wasn't quite worth the trouble.

Parents' annoyance level: 3/10.

It helped prepare a parents for the constant anxiety they'll feel when their kids actually start dating. Dream Phone was really great for getting our expectations high about how many people would be calling our phone off the hook in high school wanting to date us. Alas...

Parents' annoyance level: 5/10.

Constant beeping, batteries not included. TIGER Games were cool, but they weren't that cool. If you got one of these instead of a GameBoy, you were the laughing stock. That's probably why so many of these were donated to your dentist office. You know, to distract from your cavities brought on by Push Pops and Warheads.

Parents' annoyance level: 4/10.

They had to tell kids that Moon Shoes were not for the indoors and then they had to drive them to the hospital. Moon Shoes, the king of snapping children's ankles. But everyone knows of those injuries. We'd like to draw light to others that weren't nearly as mentioned in the "Caution" section of the instruction. Such as, jumping indoors on top of your bed for double the bounce and hitting the ceiling fan. Or, having to go outside and play with these on the blacktop and, of course, landing on your elbows.

Parents' annoyance level: 5/10.

Flying balls inside the house. As if one basketball hoop on your child's bedroom door wasn't enough to cause damage, Magic Johnson doubled the dosage and had two hoops, so you could compete with a friend. Who knew 10 years later double jam would mean so much more?

Parents' annoyance level: 7/10.

"Stop touching the Beanie Babies! They're collector items! They're going to be worth money!" They're cute, they're cuddly, they came with an adorable poem, and parents were fist-fighting in stores and McDonald's lines just to get their hands on them for you.

Parents' annoyance level: 3/10.

All those tiny pieces were perfect to choke on or to get sucked up in a vacuum. Polly Pocket was adorable and Mighty Max was hardcore. Heaven forbid the wrong gender played with the other. The schoolyard never let us live that one down. Destroy gender roles!

Parents' annoyance level: 4/10

Missing marbles everywhere. Caught in the Cross-Fiyah! Man, it's still one of the greatest commercial jingles ever created. Crossfire was just a board game where kids shot marbles at each other. It was a simpler time.

Parents' annoyance level: 3/10.

It's only a little worrisome that their kid only talks to himself. Unlike your idol, Kevin from Home Alone, you weren't tricking anybody with your TalkBoy recording skills. It was an OK toy, really, but you're probably still a little disappointed that you never got to use it on home invaders.

Parents' annoyance level: 8/10.

Loud, robotic, and spewed balls everywhere. If there is ever any evidence that adulthood sucks, it's the fact that Mr. Bucket is not only really easy now, but also absolutely pointless. Sigh, why put the balls back inside Mr. Bucket if he's just going to spit them out again? Feels a little like Sisyphus rolling the stone up the hill just to watch it roll back down.

Parents' annoyance level: 7/10.

Pre-video game violence training. Wow if there wasn’t enough holiday stress for your parents. Socker Boppers out right promoted the beating of your siblings. Or whomever else came through the front door. Plus the commercials made it irresistible to all kids… Sock ‘em boppers! No better way to sort out some tension. I think this is where our generation discovered coping skills.

Parents' annoyance level: 3/10.

Teachers were the only ones really annoyed by the constant snapping. Parents were more happy you stopped talking to them. What a great 90’s stocking stuffer. If you were lucky enough you had the early metal version that slit your wrist. Otherwise you ended up with the regular annoying plastic version. These were the fidget spinners of our time. We miss you so much.

Parents' annoyance level: 6/10

Not your brother's Legos. After women got the right to vote they decided to make equal opportunity toys 30 years later. Congratulations you can also be an engineer. Not a bad version of legos, but these then fell off the market. Guess you have to be a nurse now.

Parents' annoyance level: 0/10. No annoyance, because they were dumb.

A baby with rock inside its head. Wow, wish I thought of that. This tumbling doll had all the talents, tumbling, tumbling and more tumbling. But hey girls loved it.

Seemed like we had 20 dolls, and each had just 1 talent. So we had to have them all. One that walked, one that talked, one that pooped. After 20 minutes we were done, and our bedroom looked like a massacre. Thankfully if we could find a pair of scissors we could be entertained for an additional 20 minutes.