How Cool Are the Places the Girls in "Girls" Go To, Really?

This Sunday Lena Dunham’s polarizing HBO hit Girls returns to a pirated file library near you.

Last season brought with it a whirlwind of opinion from the Brooklyn-based blogosphere. Some felt that Girls was an accurate portrayal of the day-to-day lives of young Brooklynites, just trying to make it. Others felt that it offered the same level of accuracy as Two Broke Girls. Your crack team at City Guide has decided to put an end to the controversy once and for all.

We know what this heated debate is really all about: Are the places the women of Girls hang out at actually cool, like, for real people? The least cool guy on the City Guide staff is here to dissect the coolness quotient of the locations from the show, as he is untainted by the influence of “hipness,” and can provide a penetrating outsider’s perspective. You’re welcome in advance.

Let's put this to bed once and for all: How Cool Are the Places the Girls in Girls Go To, Really?

Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)

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Appears In: "Pilot"

Your internship is cool in the way that the popular kids' lunch table in high school was cool. When something cool is happening, you sort of get to walk by it and be ignored. Oh, there'll be the vague promise of something cool that you may someday be part of. Maybe. But we're here to tell you the only way you'll be invited to one of the cool parties with the people who actually work at your internship is if they skimp out on a bartender and let you serve them drinks, even though you're underage. While you might get props the next day for how well you poured, they won't offer you a paying gig-unless, of course, you know Photoshop.

Verdict: (Sadly) Just as Cool as It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Vagina Panic"

First of all, ain't happening. There aren't real dives in SoHo. The only respites from shopping and gallery-gawking in the So are $12 sandwiches and places with ice cubes that cost more than your first car. There are very few places in that part of town where you'd fuck a stranger in the bathroom (maybe Milady's, maybe). But if you head over to the East Village, you can find plenty of great dives like Coal Yard, International Bar, Blue and Gold, Lucy's, Cherry Tavern [Remainder of list redacted due to extreme length].

Verdict: Not Nearly as Cool as It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Vagina Panic"

While City Guide staffers aren't the sort of people who often go inside of art galleries (we prefer the streets), we do often walk by them en route to use the bathroom at Starbucks. From what we can tell, they're pretty cool. Whether the current exhibition features neon mannequins in various states of repose or different animal furs painted with real chimp's blood, any gallery window provides a perfect illustration of why modern art is neat. Add all the lithe, attractive people drinking wine and laughing while gobbling cheese from silver plates, and we must conclude that Girls gets it right. Also, in this episode, an artist at the gallery says this to the super-attractive Marnie: "The first time I fuck you I might scare you because I'm a man and I know how to do things." First off, Strange reasoning, and second, What courage!

Verdict: Just as Cool as It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Vagina Panic"

While people in the vast emptiness of the rest of the country dine on ice cream with all of its empty calories, the residents of the Big Apple consume enough fro-yo to turn 16 Handles into an empire. You'll most often see fro-yo consumed after yoga class or in that strange, lazy space between brunch and going out for the evening. The park is the optimal place to consume fro-yo because fro-yo spots tend to only be large enough for approximately six people to stand in at any one time and usually sport a neon décor that will cause blindness if you stare directly at the storefront.

Verdict: Way Cooler Than It Is in Girls

Appears In: "All Adventurous Women Do"

The High Line doesn't get nearly enough credit in this episode. It's merely used as a place where some douchey artist type tells Marnie that he's going to scare her a little the first time he "fucks" her because "he is a man and he knows how to do things." (Author's note: I know I quoted this line already, but I feel it's worth repeating because, damn it, I am a man and I know how to do things.) If this was all it took to get into the panties of hot chicks on the High Line, the City Guide staff feels that they would be landing more ladies during their monthly miming and busking performances in the elevated park. Though we don't have much luck with the women while on the lovely High Line, we do recommend you stay for the artisanal ice cream sandwiches and the view of New Jersey.

Verdict: Almost as Cool as It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Hard Being Easy"

Here's the secret about Brooklyn coffee shops: They're the worst. The vibrant, bustling spots you see on television are all filthy lies. Coffee shops in Brooklyn are just libraries without books, or silent high school study halls without the note passing and more freelancing. Everyone sits quietly, typing away on Macbook Airs, buying a coffee every three-and-a-half hours to appease the frustrated baristas who have to explain to arriving parties that the only available spots to sit are outside on artisanal barrels. There are multi-plugs in all the outlets so that folks can sit there and tweet all day long while periodically looking up to scowl at you if, God forbid, you decide to come into the coffee shop to have a conversation with someone. Girls does get one thing right though, ladies. Men will try to hit on you while you're trying to work.

Verdict: Not Nearly as Cool as it Is in Girls

Appears In: "Hard Being Easy"

The coolness of a college basement party depends largely on which college campus the basement was built under. While Oberlin parties featured Scissor Sisters, pot brownies, and an awkward dude wearing a pink hat in the background, state school college parties typically feature Journey, beer bongs, and awkward guys wearing pink polos in the background trying to hide grinding boners. Which one is cooler depends largely on your perspective, how you were raised, whether your parents liked Nixon, et cetera. That said, if you moved to Brooklyn after you graduated from a state school, you probably went to that school because you couldn't get in to Oberlin.

Verdict: Almost as Cool as It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Welcome to Bushwick aka The Crackcident"

Believe it or not, the scope of this party might have been a bit understated when compared with reality. Recently, City Guide staffers went to a July 4 party in Bushwick that made this one look tiny. We shit you not: On the roof-covered in AstroTurf, natch-there was giant playground equipment made from recycled materials. People on all manner of narcotics were writhing to the DJ while balancing on make-shift rocking horses and see-saws. Above all of this, there was a crow's nest (like on a boat?), that people hung from, half-naked, brandishing sparklers. On one side of the roof, there were literally dozens of rows of grills. And on the other side there was a mini dog park for the residents. It was all right.

Verdict: Way Cooler Than It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Welcome to Bushwick aka The Crackcident"

It's hard to call the vacant alley where Shoshanna has her first run-in with crack "cool" or "uncool." One thing we can certainly call it is unrealistic. Even late at night there would've been at least one crazy homeless lady screeching at Shoshanna and Ray, and at least one group of young hooligans catcalling as they began to get romantic. In real life, there would've been at least seven bodegas open between the warehouse party and wherever Shoshanna ended up. That's why the Craigslist postings calls the neighborhood "vibrant," duh.

Verdict: Somewhat Cooler Than It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too"

The author is unable to comment on the relative coolness of real-life posh Brooklyn high-rises, as he's never been invited inside one. If he were asked to comment on what it feels like to be the person who cannot afford the drinks at the expensive bar, let alone afford to purchase several rounds of drinks for two beautiful young women at the bar, he would reply, "It sucks." Due to this gap in knowledge, he had to enlist the help of a female friend who had been invited back to one of these ritzy apartments. She wished to remain anonymous. Her response: "Brian Williams's daughter is right. They suck."

Verdict: Just as Cool as It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too"

Here at City Guide, we're huge proponents of experimental theater. Which is why we can say with much certainty that the rehearsal scene in Girls missed the fact that "experimental" is generally synonymous with "nudity." Great, the show got the pretentious philosophical undertone right, but there's usually at least a little swinging full frontal too. Also, the theater space in the show is way too big. But in the show's defense, any conceivable space would be too big. These experimental shows are held in closets inside studio apartments or in front of one tree in the park, as to not interfere with the pick-up soccer game going on at the nearby field. At any moment in time in New Yok, there are hundreds of these shows happening. In fact, it's difficult to hear these productions because the noise from the other productions on the same block, or even the same building, often interferes with the performance. Luckily, every single play going on in Gotham is written up in Time Out, so you should be able to choose the one that suits you, any time, any place, any sort of jiggling sex organ.

Verdict: Way Cooler Than It Is in Girls

Appears In: "Leave Me Alone"

"They have those stupid fucking crackers that are supposed to be cookies that are supposed to crackers...plus everyone's drunk but acts like what they have to say is totally still valid." Adam nailed it. Readings are awful. The good thing about the reading featured in Girls is that Hannah isn't like most established writers who affect a strange, presentational tone when they read, like that breathy, yet self-assured accent that you're obliged to put on if you stand behind the podium. And at the end, the author usually slows down their pace, punctuating their words in order to let you soak in the weight of what they have read. Just. Like. This. And, yes, the food is awful. But, in our experience, there is always copious amounts of boxed wine left over, which helps.

Verdict: (Somehow) Not Nearly as Cool as It Is in Girls

Appears In: "She Did"

Girls gets it right. Weddings in New York tend to be more casual than the brunches. Sure, there's usually love involved, but New York weddings tend to feature the equally strong motivation of "well, we've been living together for 10 years, so we're common-law married anyway." The only thing that we'd say that stretches reality here is that usually weddings don't actually take place in New York. Usually, the bride and groom's friends, who all live in New York, are forced to fly to Hog's Ass, Iowa, because Grandma Gertrude would just die if her special lady's wedding were in that den of sin that she lives in with that...man.

Verdict: Just as Cool as It Is on Girls

Appears In: "She Did"

Okay, so Hannah doesn't actually "go" to the aquarium, but the sign is cool. So, rather than evaluate how cool the aquarium is in Girls, a story from the writer's childhood: My mother gave me some perspective on aquariums I'll never forget. After a middle-school trip to the aquarium, she asked me how I liked it. I replied, "Well, you know, I've been there before" in that jaded thirteen-year-old way. She turned around-while driving, mind you-and yelled, "There are SENIOR CITIZENS who go there EVERY OTHER DAY and they see something new and beautiful to appreciate. If you went to the aquarium and didn't see anything you liked, that's your problem." That day I knew I had to move somewhere where it would be a two hour train ride to get to the aquarium, so that the only way I would end up there was if I fell asleep drunk on the train...a move Hannah Horvath pulls with grace in the finale of the first season of Girls. Personal anecdote finished.

Verdict: Insufficient Evidence

Appears In: "She Did"

Girls's portrayal of Coney Island suffers from a severe lack of locals, rooftop folks aside. Coney Island is like a Scooby-Doo villain's hideout, complete with old Russian guys in wrestling singlets, rollerblading down the boardwalk, but Girls just didn't capture that (probably because it was trying to conclude the narrative or whatever). For the purest expression of this weirdness, head to Coney Island on the first warm day of the year, say late March or early April, so you can experience the true beauty of the beachfront. Junkies will scream at you, the old ladies will play pop music from boomboxes shaded by lawn chairs, and hey! is that a weird steamroller thing puttering up and down the beach? Of course it is! Our favorite part about Coney Island is that the area for consuming alcohol is taped off in what amounts to an eight-by-eight-foot box in front of the bars. You get the sense that these were placed there after a few hard learned lessons by the local police force.

Verdict: Way Cooler Than It Is in Girls