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The Kid Mero is the Voice of the Internet. He offers his opinions on everything from Ellen selfies to butt chugging kombucha to facial tattoo placement here on Complex.com. Mero speaks for himself; his views do not necessarily reflect those of Wendi Deng's thots, Big Du-Rag, or Vladimir Putin's b-plug. You've been warned.
YO WHATS GOOD ITS YA BOY THE KID MERO AKA THE HUMAN DURAG FLAP AKA YOUNG PAPI FASHION AND IM HERE TO CRITIQUE AND MYSTIQUE LAST EVENINGS OSCAR FASHIONS FOR YOU BECAUSE ITS MONDAY AND YOU PROLLY HATE YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU MISS ME AND DESUS PODCAST AND ALSO UNLESS YOU WORK ON SUNDAY, MONDAY SHATTERS THE BLISS OF YOUR WEEKEND WITH "URGENT" EMAILS. LISTEN B. UNLESS YOUR EMAIL HAS TO DO WITH WHAT IM HAVING FOR LUNCH AND THE BUSTY MASSEUSE YOU SENDING TO MY JOB THAT SHIT IS NOT URGENT. LETS TALK ABOUT CLOTHINGTON.
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Will Smith
MAN THIS IS GONNA BE 1000 "REAL LOVE" MEMES BY 5PM TODAY. LITTLE DO YALL KNOW THESE TWO ONLY TOGETHER TO GET PUBLICITY FOR SCIENTOLOGY. WHATS REALLY GOOD WITH SCIENTOLOGY? IS IT AS CREEPY AS IT SOUNDS? DO I GOTTA BE RICH TO BE DOWN? CAN I STOP BUYING MY KIDS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS? IS THERE A SCIENTOLOGY EQUIVALENT TO CHRISTMAS? NICE OUTFITS GUYS DID YOU WEAR THAT TO YOUR "GENITAL EXCLUSIVITY CEREMONY PACT" (THATS WHAT MARRIAGE IS CALLED IN SCIENTOLOGY. I GOOGLED IT.)
Jared Leto
LOOK AT THIS HUMAN ANGELINA BALLERINA B. LOOK AT YA MAN. IF JESUS WORKED FOR A CATERING COMPANY. JARED LETO WON AN OSCAR THO. LET THAT MARINATE. YO WHAT IS THE ETIQUETTE FOR TUXES THO? CAN I GOT ON THERE WITH THE JACKET FROM NAS STREET DREAMS AND WHITE PANTS? IS THAT ACCEPTABLE OR NAH?
Tyler Perry
UNLIKE HIS HILARIOUSLY IRREVERENT TAKE ON RACE RELATIONS TYLER'S SUIT IS QUITE CONSERVATIVE!! HAHA!! THAT SOUNDED WILD JOURNALISTICAL BUT GUESS WHAT IM NOT A JOURNALIST I JUST BE OUT HERE OBSERVING LIFE. HERES AN ANECDOTAL HOLLYWOOD STORY. THERES A RUMOR ABOUT PERRY BEING GAY, IM IN A MEETING AT A RESTAURANT AND HE SHOWS UP. HE ORDERS TWO HENNESSY AND DUDE IN PARTY WHISPERS "HE AINT GAY, GAY DUDES DONT ORDER HENNY AT A BUSINESS MEETING". COOL STORY RIGHT? HIT MY PAYPAL.
Ryan Seacrest
THIS IS PROBABLY THE WHITEST DUDE ON EARTH, HES IN THE WHITE GUY HALL OF FAME. HE ALSO PRODUCES MAD SHOWS THAT YOU WATCH AND SAY "MAN WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?" AND CONTINUE TO WATCH. EVERYTIME A SEX TAPE GETS RELEASED SEACREST GETS A DEVELOPMENT DEAL. THIS TUX IS COOL BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU FOLLOW DIDDY AROUND HIS HAMPTONS ESTATE MAKIN HIM MOJITOS.
Pharrell
YO "PUSHING THE ENVELOPE" IS A VERY DADLIKE PHRASE BUT ITS APPROPRIATE HERE BECAUSE SKATEBOARD P DRESSING LIKE CARTOON VERSION OF RICHIE RICH IS DEFINITELY PUSHING THE ENVELOPE AT THE STUFFY ASS ACADEMY AWARDS. ALSO HIS DECISION TO BRING MA-TI FROM CAPTAIN PLANET AS HIS DATE IS WILD INNOVATIVE. WHAT WILL HE THINK OF NEXT? CROCODILE SKIN HOODIES? JAPANESE DENIM HOUSEWARES? WHO DO YOU THINK CAN CREATE A "LIFESTYLE BRAND" BETTER? P OR KANYE? RUMINATE ON THAT AND ANSWER IN THE COMMENTS.
Michael B. Jordan
MAN I FUCKIN HAAAAATE MICHAEL JORDAN B. NOT MICHAEL B JORDAN, MICHAEL J JORDAN. THE PROLIFIC GAMBLER WHO PLAYED A LITTLE BASKETBALL. HE PREVENTED MY KNICKS FROM THEY DESTINY TOO MANY TIMES. THIS WAS A STRONG LOOK FOR MICHAEL THE THESPIAN I WAS ALL THE WAY WIT IT UNTIL THE DAFT PUNK TECHNO LOAFERS. NOT REALLY FUCKIN WITH THOSE AT ALL, UNLESS THEY HAVE BLUETOOTH SPEAKERS.
Kevin Spacey
KEVIN SPACEY IS ILL BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE. HOMIE DOES 150 DIFFERENT ACCENTS AND THIS SUIT LOOK LIKE HES GOING TO PROM IN 1995. JACKET NEEDS LIKE 5 MORE BUTTONS. WHO ARE YOU MY DUDE THE TROMBONE PLAYER IN THE "MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES"? LOL AT THAT NAME BTW. SOMEBODY GONNA GET MAD ABOUT ME MAKIN FUN OF "THE MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES" WHAT THE FUCK IS A MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONE MY PAL? SHIT SOUNDS LIKE A RACEHORSE NAME. IF YOUR BAND NAME SOUND LIKE A RACEHORSE NAME YOUR MUSIC GOTTA BE TRASH.
Chiwetel Ejiofor
FAM CMON WE AT THE OSCARS WHAT IS REALLY GOOD WITH YOUR HAIRLINE MY PAL. YOUR SUIT COST AT LEAST 5 RACKS YOU CANT DROP €20 AND GET A LITTLE DARK CAESAR OR SOME SHIT? HOMIE SHOWED UP WITH THE DENZEL POUNDCAKE "NOT A CAESAR NOT YET A 'FRO. " THERE'S THREE WAYS TO LOOK IN A TUXEDO B. LIKE A SPY, LIKE A MAGICIAN OR LIKE A FUNERAL DIRECTOR. AND I CAN HEAR HOMIE OFFERING ME CONDOLENCES.
Matthew McConaughey
HAHA LOOK AT YA MANS FACIAL THO! A PICTURE IS WORTH 1000 WORDS JUUHEARDD? WHAT HE'S TELLING YOU TELEPATHETICALLY IS "LOOK AT THE CHEEKS IM BEATING UP TRIWEEKLY, WHILE U RESPONSIBLE FOR 17% OF PALIMAS.COM UNIQUE VISITS. WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS SUIT BESIDES "YOU LOOK LIKE A FANCY VALET AT A FRANK SINATRA THEMED CASINO."
Barkhad Abdi
AYY LOL WOW. YO THIS DUDE SUPPOSEDLY IS A LIMO DRIVER IN REAL LIFE AND HE SEEMS TO HAVE WORN HIS UNIFORM TO THE OSCARS. HOMIE LOOKS LIKE A GOTHIC WAITER. IF TIM BURTON HAD A DINER THIS IS THE DUDE THAT WOULD GREET YOU AT THE DOOR. TIM BURTON'S GOTHIC GRIDDLE AND HOMIE RIGHT HERE IS THE HOST. HELLO TABLE FOR TWO RIGHT THIS WAY [CORNY FRANCHISE CATCHPHRASE].