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Innocent. Guilty. Your honor, what do these words even mean? I humbly request that the bailiff bring out the official dictionary of the court. What? Look, which one of us went to law school? All right, fair enough, calm down. For real though, is the court dictionary not a thing? Am I just making this up? Well, shit. I could have sworn…next you're going to tell me it's illegal to bribe the jury. Oh, come on. Is anybody here even on the same page as me? You there. Yes, the dude at the typewriter. Stenographer? That's not a word. Well, bring out the dictionary then, smart guy. Oh, right. Dammit. Shit.
Your honor, may I start over? Thank you. Hey, don't you guys normally wear those stupid wigs by the way? No? Do you ever use your judge hammer to fix stuff around the courtroom? Right, of course. May I start over again?
Your honor, my client is a good man. Arson? How is that even a crime? Cavemen used fire all the time, and I don't see you travelling back in time to throw them in jail. Where would firemen be without arson? My client is a job creator and, in this economy, can we really afford to send him to prison? Don't answer that.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this may seem really unprofessional, but I find you all incredibly attractive. Hit me up after the trial if you wanna grab a drink some time, or grab a bit, or just chill or whatever. I will pay for one drink and one appetizer. I should clarify, this offer only stands if I win the case.
How do I know my client isn't guilty? I'm going to level with you for a second, I don't. This guy could be guilty as hell for all I know. Maybe he is? Crazier things have happened. You know what, forget everything I just said. Strike it from the record. Can we do that, typing guy?
Holy shit, is it hot in here or is that just me? Where's the thermostat? Thanks. Do I just…do I push the dial in before I turn it? It's not turning. No, I tried that. Ah, never mind. Is it cool if I take my shirt off?
How long am I even supposed to talk for? Hell, I'm just going to wrap things up. Closing argument time, fuckers. Sorry. Sorry, no, I wasn't referring to anyone specific. Definitely not you, your honor. I can assure you I do not think you're a fucker. Anyway, uh, to sum things up, my client is guilty—guilty of being not guilty, that is! Things felt a little heavy, so I thought I'd lighten things up. But for real, though, he didn’t do it. Peace out.
Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.
