That headline should be enough to discourage any of you from wearing a tank top for the rest of your life, but for me to get paid I have to actually back up that statement. Honestly, I'd tell you to take a seat while I break this basic life advice shit down into pure molten rocks, but it's probably not even going to take that long. I'm feeling cockier than Johnny Manziel holding a rolled up 100 dollar bill with this topic, so it shouldn't take more than a minute.
At the highest level of this whole "don't ever wear a fucking tank top" pyramid are two words: NAH DAWG. I understand not everyone uses that infallible proverb as their fashion compass, so I will explain it for those whom need explaining.
The sandal metaphor I came up with is highly impenetrable. It'd be easier to get your chick pregnant through her butt than to defend the wearing of tank tops to me. There is no possible way to even poke a hole in its Fortress of Factitude. The metaphor is simple: Sandals require you to expose your feet and tank tops require you to expose your arms. Boom! *Mushroom cloud of factual fashion advice radiation spreads into the sky.*
You can't ever tell me there was a time in history where sandals were a superior fashion choice to shoes. Like, once they actually invented shoes, 90% of the human population stopped fucking with sandals instantaneously. Sandals only still exist because of the nail salon industry, biblical epics and Phish concerts.
How could exposing your feet and toes ever help you? When you wear sandals you are basically turning each of your exposed toes into tiny middle fingers. You are giving everyone within your visible radius 10 middle fingers. Tank tops are no different. Exposing an extra 6-8 inches of your upper arms does absolutely nothing positive for anyone.
No other item in the wide world of men's fashion yields such an avalanche of search engine wrongness.
Now you might say, "Well, it keeps me cooler than a T-shirt." Oh, word? Word, dawgie? So, what you're saying, Braiden, is that if someone dies of heat exhaustion at a dub step festival they would have actually lived if they were wearing a tank top instead of a tee?
My mans Neil deGrasse Tyson would smack fire out of you for even trying to insult me with that dumb talk. Tank tops do not keep you cooler. Things that keep you cooler would be shit, like, I don't know, maybe motherfucking water? Or things like shade, various delicious gelatos and possibly air conditioning. So now that all the scientificals are out of the way, what exactly do you got left? How you gonna defend wearing tank tops now that I bodied your body climate change argument?
Since science alone will not convince you why tank tops are nothing more than sandals for you arms, I want you to perform a very simple and unbiased experiment in the comfort of your own home and, after doing so, I think you will where I'm coming from:
1. Open a new widow in your browser and go to Google dot com.
2. Perform a search for "guys in tanks."
3. Click the first search result.
I'll wait...
Yup. That's your team, dawg. Them dudes right there. That's who you are cheering for, Bryce. Count Suckula from Sussylvania and all his bros. See, what I just did there was the linguistical equivalent of an Iverson crossover and flex nuts on your whole argument.
No other item in the wide world of men's fashion yields such an avalanche of search engine wrongness. Even things like bow ties and non-prescription glasses put up more of a fight than tank tops. Google is basically saying that the Internet thinks tank tops are more pussy than Dave Navarro's arm warmers. We would all be wise to never ever wear them. In fact, doing so could actually influence the free market and remove them from shelves permanently.
I'm not here to tell you what to wear or how to wear it. I don't even know 99% of the brands they talk about on this website. But what I do know is that every once in a while I get asked to step in on behalf of my gender and say "nah dawg." If you or someone you know is wearing a tank top this season, pull them aside and just have them Google that shit. The life you save might even be your own.
