The Four Pins Guide To Driving

Americans drive cars. There are only a few cities in America where you don't need a car. One of those cities invented Uber, another has 50,000 taxis and the other has a convenient above ground train. Even if you don't own a car, Americans are in cars all the time. In fact, I'm writing this right now from an office building in Woodland Hills, CA overlooking the 101. It's 11:26am on a Thursday and the freeway is crawling. Traffic makes no fucking sense at all and just pisses everyone off. One time I asked my friend what the hell was up with all those times you hit traffic, the traffic clears and you see no reason for the traffic in the first place (e.g. no accident, lane closure, etc). He replied, "Something about an accordion." A single tear rolled down my cheek as his poetic statement cleared up years of confusion. Regardless, here are some tips to *leans out of car window, shakes fist furiously, beings to shout* LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE, YOU ASSHOLE.

Robesman is a brand who drives 40 miles every day on the 101 in Los Angeles for work. Tweet him when he's stuck in traffic.

How To Use The Horn

Other countries stay using the horn like crazy. Thankfully, America has a very specific guide for horn usage laid out by The Based God himself.

Left Turns

If you are the first car in the left turn lane, it is your civic duty to get as many cars through that light as possible. This involves you being on high alert for even the slightest break in traffic to make the turn without causing oncoming traffic to slow in any fashion. Pull out into the intersection as far as possible and when the light turns yellow and it's clear, floor it. Don't kill a pedestrian. Bonus points if you get your tires to screech (shout out Dustin Diamond) while making this turn.

Left Turn Lights

These allegedly help alleviate traffic during rush hour. If it's not rush hour, fuck em. Do not let a tiny red arrow control your life. Unless a cop is watching you, then do let the tiny red arrow control your life.

Driving While Swag

DWS, or Driving While Swag, is always recommended. This involves playing rap music very loudly with your windows down for everyone to hear and enjoy. Another key feature of DWS is making sure your seat is reclined as far back as possible and you only have one hand on the wheel. Also you should never smile, in general.

Car Selection

The average Four Pins reader is probably, like, a male who isn't that caked, but has no problem dropping $250 on a sweater if the garm is flames. In other words, I'm assuming you're hood rich. A classic hood rich move involves buying higher-end model, used, luxury cars. For example, do not cop the 2015 BMW 3 Series (32k). Entry level cars are for entry level people. DO cop the 2008 BMW 7 Series (20k).

Accidents

If it steers, it clears. If you are rear-ended on the highway and your car is driveable, get over to the shoulder before exchanging information with the idiot who hit you. This is not CSI, and you are not the lead character on CSI (I don't watch CSI, but I think it's Ice-T or T-Pain or Ice Cube or someone). If you get out of your car in the middle of traffic to exchange information, you may get hit by a semi and die, a fate some may say you deserve for not respecting traffic. All due respect to those who have been hit by semis and died.

Texting

Don't text and drive. Well, I mean, don't do it a lot. If you are going to text, be in the right lane and use one word or emoji answers. iOS 8 has that voice note thing now too, which slays. Learn to call people via Bluetooth like they used to do back in the day (2012). Don't be on your phone too much while driving unless you are selecting the perfect Rich Gang slapper for the car ride to the club. You don't want to end up on one of those commercials about texting and driving where everyone is either dead or sad. Feel free to pull up next to those who are gratuitously texting and driving and lay on your horn to fuck them up. Shit's hilarious.

Emergency Vehicles

Be respectful and give them the right of way, but know you don't need to pull over for them when they are going the opposite way on a divided highway. Also, don't slam on your brakes the second you see one as you'll probably cause another accident. Also, I feel that if you can successfully skitch an ambulance for 5 miles, you should get free ambulance rides for life, but that's neither here nor there.

Gapers/Rubbernecks

Everyone hates a gaper up until they get to the accident themselves. Then, the gaper hater becomes the gaper. Stop doing that. Generously lay on the horn behind any and all gapers. We're trying to fucking drive here, man. Gaping is only allowed if the accident involves a car on fire and you need to get a dope pic to create a dank new aux cord meme.

Tailgating

Tailgating is dangerous. If someone is tailgating you, move over. Don't be a hero. If you are tailgating someone, cut that out. Understand that there are people on the road who want to drive faster than you. Let them do that. Check your mirrors often. Be alert. Tailgating is only allowed if you are legitimately seeing how much gas you can save by drafting your homeboy's car all the way to Vegas.

Merging

You should never cause anyone to touch their brakes when merging. Figure it out. Bonus points if you can Tokyo drift your way onto the freeway. Shit's so tight.

Road Rage

If someone does something bullshitty to you, honk, flip them off, then let it go. No need to pursue at high speed or risk your life because of some dumbass. Everyone is in this traffic shit together, fam. Everyone is equally as pissed. Also, remember that if you see Dexter Holland in his car, don't give him no crap 'cause the slightest thing and he just might snap.

Stop Signs

If you come to a four-way stop sign at the same time as another person, the person on the right has the right of way. If they wave you along, go. If you wave someone along, and they wave you back, go. Follow these rules and there will never be a third wave. If four cars come to a four-way stop sign at the same time, an automatic demolition derby should take place. Reverse before entering the fray so you have more speed for initial impact. Good luck and godspeed. Thanks in advance for Vining it.

Move It Along

I once heard that if we never changed lanes on highways, there would be statistically hella less traffic. Google also has those self-driving cars which may be the move in 2k30. Until that time, let's move it along. If you are in traffic, you'll get lethargic. Perk up when the traffic clears and get back up to speed. I can't tell you how many times traffic has cleared and people stayed under the speed limit for the next few miles because they became conditioned to going slow. If this article was all common sense to you, then congrats, you already know how to drive. Forward it to someone who doesn't like your mom.