What Your Preferred Type of Wallet Says About You

Probable Contents: A photo of your family, a coupon for the Wrangler store where you bought the basic jeans where this wallet resides

This giant ass square is a perfect represesntation of what you've become. The 9 inch by 9 inch behemoth miniature book that you're carrying around only fits in lame dad jeans that you're currently rocking as you head to the strip mall to cash in the Groupon you bought for a deal at the fence store.

Probable Contents: A few Euros, some Yen, pure cocaine

This is the wallet of true ballers that can afford to do dope shit before they have boring responsibilities like supporting a family and leaving a moral legacy. The reason why you carry around a zip-up is because you sometimes end up doing backflips on motorcycles and having sex in wild positions, and you don't want any of your shit to fall out. Of course, while you're having the time of your life at other people's expense, they see the zip-up wallet and immediately register, "asshole."

Probable Contents: A few sticky singles, a condom you might use later, very impure cocaine

You've made it into adulthood, and like a tailored suit and decent pair of shoes, this is your first "real" wallet. But in today's world, being a young adult just means being an overgrown adolescent, and your wallet carries around everything needed and required to enjoy the pleasures that this stage of life affords. It's also skinny enough to fit into your tight-ass jeans that you'll look back on later in life with great regret.

Probable Contents: An unused condom, a two dollar bill, a guitar pick

You're the coolest kid in middle school, and show people the condom you stole from the nurse's office every chance you get, telling them that you're gonna use it this weekend (for sex!). Everyone else tries to make a duct tape wallet, but theirs totally suck butt and get their lunch money all sticky.

Probable Contents: n/a

You're on your way to the strip club or you are so incredibly broke but kind of proud of it. Or you're a fucking G. Or you're pretending to be a G.

Probable Contents: n/a

You are either a drug dealer who doesn't leave a paper trail or some sort of super villain. Either way, you've killed a dude before using your money clip, which is a story you scarily relate right before you kill another guy with your money clip.

Probable Contents: $1.26, a baseball card, some gum you forgot about

You are 9 years old.

Probable Contents: Coins, lint

You either live in a country where the majority of the currency comes in coin form, or you're a fucking obsessive compulsive weirdo.

Probable Contents: Receipts, passport, photos of your son whose little league games you were always too busy to come to

Your travel wallet is your third carry-on. Stuffed to the brim with receipts, notes, bills, and other necessities, this heaving rectangle doesn't even come close to fitting in your pants. If you lose this wallet, you might as well just send yourself off into the Great Beyond. Either that, or you want to give people the impression that you're a jet-setter.

Probable Contents: Mad black cards, a literal get out of jail free card signed by the governor

If all you need to carry around your wealth is a sheath of fine leather, then "We Made It" should be playing every time you enter a room. You haven't touched cash since Dipset broke up, and unlike regular broke boys, the credit cards you carry around have concierge services that score you last minute tickets, have insane rewards, and can chopper you out of a war zone if you ever find yourself in such a situation.