The Four Pins Guide To Fake Grieving Via Social Media

When a celebrity, political figure or anyone of particular merit dies, we as a Twitter family get the glorious joy of competing in the annual tradition of Fake Grieving. This time honored tradition is very necessary according to ancient customs because if a dead person does not receive at least 5,000 tweets acknowledging their passing, they cannot, by law, enter the pearly gates.

While Fake Grieving comes natural to many of you, I’m here to walk those of you—who may be a lil green behind the ears and new to this Twittah life—thru the process of Fake Grieving, also known as Fake Ass Caring on Twitter (F.A.C.T.).

Desus Nice is a writer from the Bronx who can often be found in a Chipotle or leading Black Israelites on 34th street. Follow him on Twitter here.

Step 1: The RIP Tweet

As soon as you see any rumor about someone’s death on Twitter, you are obligated to tweet “RIP” and their name. Doesn’t matter if you hear about their death 2 days later, this tweet is required by law.

Of course a grillion people will have already made this exact tweet so its up to you to get creative with your RIP message. Was there a nickname the recently deceased went by? What about the name of a character they played in a TV show or movie? The more obscure the reference, the more points you get, so go crazy!

Step 2: Post A Photo Of The Deceased

The second step of Fake Grieving is the all important photo. You MUST post a photo of the recently deceased. Mistakenly believed your RIP tweet was enough? Noooooo sir! You tweeted their name, sure, but other than that, how will people know who you are even mourning?

“But desus, i didnt know the person who passed. Where am i supposed to get an image from?”

LOL. Google Images is your best friend. See, it doesn’t matter what photo you post, just that you post a photo. Because, reasons.

Note: If you have Photoshop skills, add a quote to the photo. The quote doesn’t matter because honestly u didn't give a shit about this 10 mins ago, so go HAM.

Step 3: Make It About YOU

Now that you’ve paid your proper respects to the Twitter Gawds, feel free to flip the focus back on your favorite person in the world: YOU.

Do you have a photo you took with the dead person? Maybe a photo taken at a place the dead person frequented? No? Hmm, how about a photo of you wearing a T-shirt with the deceased on it? Solid.

Hey Unknown Rapper, you know what the recently deceased would really enjoy? A freestyle by you, about them! The freestyle doesn’t even need to you mention them, just name the mp3 file after ‘em. They'll know what you meant.

And while this is advanced level Fake Grieving and not recommended for amateurs, some people like to change their avatar to a photo of the dead person. Sure, you’ll probably keep it up for maybe 48 hours at most, but remember, nothing shows respect like a blurry 48 x 48 pixel image next to your tweet about how “uggh this day is a fucking dragggggggg.”

Step 4: Educate!

Now is a great time to flood your timeline with stories about the life and accomplishments of the deceased. If you know some, what are you waiting for? Get to posting.

What if you don’t know anything about the person who passed? A quick read of their Wikipedia page will give you everything you need to come off as informed and a lifetime fan. Be sure to continue to put emphasis on what that person meant to YOU, how this death affects YOU, and how hard this is on YOU.

Be sure to include numerous tweets that contain information that could be easily Googled. Multiple part tweets and TwitLonger links are not only okay, they’re worth bonus points!

Step 5: Shame The Devil With Fake Outrage

Now that you’ve tweeted out the life story of the dead person, you have to search for people disrespecting and devaluing the life of the dead with their ignorance.

Run a search for people admitting they don’t know whom the deceased was. It doesn’t matter if they’re too young to remember or in another country. How dare they not know everything and everyone you know. Don’t check to see if the tweet is fake, out of context or trolling. Time is of the essence!

Retweet them and expose these people for the savages they are. Bonus points if you add a message somehow blaming the school system for their unforgivable ignorance.

Remember, deaths always come in threes, so be sure to compare and contrast not only the lives of the recently deceased, but also the media coverage, the Twitter response and way people are mourning.

Step 6: Thanks, Obama

No matter who died, Obama is guaranteed to bungle their death announcement. This is a great opportunity for you to use the most powerful weapon on Twitter: FAKE OUTRAGE. If Obama doesn’t mention their passing, be the person to point that out. Be sure to mention him having time to do anything else, but not having the time to speak on the death.

Example: “Obama got time to pardon a Turkey, but no time to speak on the death of Brian from Family Guy? smfh”

On the flipside, if Obama does comment on the death, feel free to ask what took so long. Even if he comments 10 minutes after the death, it’s still too long. Why didn’t he have a prepared statement? HMMM, BARACK? Either way, it’s a win, baby.

Step 7: Forget All This Ever Happened And Move The Fuck On

By now you’ve probably been grieving for, oh, I don’t know, maybe an hour, which is like a year in Twitter time and you’re bored. So, what’s the next step?

Return to tweeting the same mundane BS you were tweeting before this ever happened. Only then can the deceased finally, truly rest in peace.