25 Things No Man Should Ever Wear Again

Let's make a collective promise.

Jan 12, 2015
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Complex Original

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Image via Complex Original

Ever day, magazines, your friends, sites, trends, and your own taste dictate what new gear you should acquire. It is time to take a different approach. With each passing month, our closets swell as new clothing is added to the rotation. But, we're always hesitant to throw away perfectly good clothes. What if stripes are in again next season? What happens when khaki becomes the new denim becomes the new khaki again? 

These are reasonable concerns, kinda. But there are some items in your closet that you really should never wear again. In fact, these items probably shouldn't even make their way to the racks at Goodwill or Salvation Army as soon as possible. Instead, they should be buried permanently in the past with relics of a bygone era that include DVDs, mouse pads, and moderate Republicans. These are 25 Things No Man Should Wear Ever Again.

Those gym shorts that definitely show off your dick.

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By: Wal-Mart


Your justification: "They're still fine. I'm not buying new shorts."


Why you're wrong: A new pair costs eight bucks, bruh. And no one should have to see that unless they ask.

That shiny shirt you wear to the club.

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By: Express, or some other corny ass store.


Your justification: "Girls will notice me."


Why you're wrong: Yeah, girls will notice you, and then proceed to talk to absolutely anyone else. If you see a guy get a number in this shirt, it is in spite of it, or because the girl can't tell how shitty it looks between the molly and the strobe lights.

That too-big sweater your mom bought you for Christmas.

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By: Kohl's


Your justification: "I love my Moms. It would break her hearts if she found out I threw it away."

Why you're wrong: She's never going to find out. And you're never going to wear that shit.

Those motivational fitness shirts gyms hand out on New Year's Day.

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By: Whoever prints the shirts purchased for your shitty rec. sports league.


Your justification: "It's inspirational."


Why you're wrong: Please stop pretending like a pithy phrase will give you that extra boost you need to reach your fitness goals. Most of these don't even make sense. Tell someone who has had their appendix burst or had to pass a kidney stone that "pain is weakness leaving the body." Just because you bought a Groupon for CrossFit that one time doesn't earn you the position of Fitness Sage, he who imparts terrible wisdom upon those who don't lift, bro.

That beer branded straw hat you bring to the beach.

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By: InBev


​Your justification: "I like to party."


Why you're wrong: No one else likes to party with you.

Skechers.

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By: Skechers


Your Justification: "They're comfortable."


Why you're wrong: What uncomfortable sneakers have you ever worn?

That shirt you're wearing ironically, but no one can tell.

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By: Thrift store / eBay


​Your justification: "It's  funny."

Why you're wrong: As strangers, we have no idea what you actually like and don't like. While your friends might be in on the joke that someone with your hipsterish tendencies would never like whatever pop culture icon is on your shirt, the rest of us aren't in on the joke. We also don't care.

That fedora you think is an indication of your "Class is for men, swag is for boys" mentality.

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By: Who gives a fuck?


Your justification: "But I look like a 1920s private eye and/or Justin Timberlake."


Why you're wrong: You don't. And you don't. You look like a Redditor/pick-up artist/neckbeard who will try to friend me on Facebook so they can send personal attacks to me and my family after they're offended I made fun of fedoras on an Internet list.

Pajama pants in public.

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By: Wal-Mart's loungewear section


Your justification: "I'm just running to the gas station."


Why you're wrong: How do you even muster up the courage to wear these out of the bedroom, let alone out of the house? In the eternal youth culture of the twenty-first century, many grown-ass men remain obsessed with Star Wars, super heroes, and cartoons; we understand this. But, please try to keep your fashionable expressions of that love off of your pants, please.

A ton of bracelets all at once.

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By: Some fucking hippie selling this shit on the side of the road.


Your justification: "I look sensitive, earthy, connected. Ommmmm..."


Why you're wrong: You might as well get it over with and carry your acoustic guitar around with you, ever ready to cover Sublime and Jack Johnson back to back for any girl who isn't trying to keep as much distance as possible once they see those bracelets.

Clothing featuring the catchphrase of the moment.

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By: Opportunists


Your justification: "It's #relevant."


Why you're wrong: Imagine this shirt, hat, or pair of underwear in a month. Where is it? Are you still wearing it? Is it in a dumpster or tucked in the back of your closet never to be seen again? Resist the urge to go with the pop culture flow and allow the memes and hashtags to wash by you without impacting your style. You'll thank yourself later.

Lanyards around your neck.

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By: Your work/school


Your justification: "It's for work and/or school!"


Why you're wrong: I don't know what to tell you. Get a new job. That shit looks awful.

Cloth belts that hang down towards your crotch.

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By: American Eagle


Your justification: "It's casual."


Why you're wrong: Unless you're someone's thirteen year-old brother at the skate park, you can stand to invest in a belt with a little more structural integrity.

 

A scarf that is comically big.

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By: Your very aggro grandma


Your justification: "But it's cold."


Why your wrong: Just because the-way-too-small scarf looks bad doesn't mean you have to overcompensate. The scarf game is unforgiving, we understand this, but you can't walk around looking like this, no matter brick it is.

Tall socks with shorts off the court.

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By: Nike


Your justification: "I just came from a pick-up game."


Why you're wrong:  No you didn't.

Untailored suit trousers that flare at your hips and pool at your ankles.

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By: Men's Wearhouse


Your justification: "They look professional."


Why you're wrong: They look like you're playing Bob Hope's accountant in an upcoming biopic. 

 

Drug rugs.

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By: Who knows, but you bought it at the head shop down at the shore.


Your justification: "I want everyone to know how much I love drugs."


Why you're wrong: It's 2014, and liking weed is no longer a defining characteristic. Wearing a drug rug or some other nod to marijuana culture (like a Phish T-shirt or a hemp necklace) is like wearing a Bud Light visor or a shirt that says, "Beer: Getting people laid since 1842."

A side-cut tank top that you consider your greatest DIY project.

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By: You, ruining a perfectly good shirt


Your justification: "I want to show off the body I worked so hard for."


Why you're wrong: If you have a good body people are going to notice. It's not like a T-shirt or a regular tank top leave that much to the imagination. Men don't titillate anyone by showing off their side boob, so either cover up or be super obnoxious and go shirtless.

T-shirts that show off how clever you are.

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By: Some dude who bought a T-shirt press and launched a "start-up" in his garage.


Your justification: "Wearing this shirt will land me smart, witty girls."


Why you're wrong: Just as it isn't always advisable to wear your heart on your sleeve, it isn't necessarily the best idea to wear your wit on your chest. If you like a literary figure or a physics theorem enough to wear a shirt nodding to it, so be it, but make your own witty references instead of having your shirt do it for you.

Jeans of the bootcut variety.

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By: True Religion


Your justification: "Everybody was wearing them in 2006."


Why you're wrong: That was a long time ago, and your ass doesn't even own a pair of boots, let alone enough pairs to necessitate boot-friendly pants. Take this Adam-Sandler pantaloons and burn them. Burn them all.

 

That smedium sweater you thought showed off your build.

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By:  Zara


Your justification: "Gotta prove I'm the pec gawd even in the winter."


Why you're wrong: Figuring out what fits your body type best is something every dude has to go through. But once you've sampled different sizes from various brands, going with the tighter fit will result in a classic "what you think you look like" vs "what you actually look like" scenario IRL. No one wants to see your struggle vanity muscles/nipples through a knit, so if you want to avoid the L, don't opt for the M.

Baggy board shorts while not on a water sport board of some sort.

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By: MMA clothing brands


​Your justification: "I love the beach."


Why you're wrong: What are you, a 19-year-old girl's online dating profile? Everybody loves the beach. The only time board shorts are acceptable is when going to or from using some kind of board on some sort of beach. For residents of L.A., this means no board shorts east of the 405. For the residents of almost every other major city besides San Diego and Miami, this means that they are forbidden within city limits.

Anything with cargo pockets.

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By: Every store at the mall that you shouldn't be shopping in.


Your justification: "There's more room for stuff."

Why you're wrong: How much stuff are you carrying? Unless you're going on a camping trip or running away from home, you should be carrying a maximum or four things on your person. Instead of cramming things in your pockets like a hoarder, consider a decent backpack, or simply carrying less shit.

T-shirts that are sexist.

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By: Spencer's


Your justification: Not applicable.


Why you're wrong: So many reasons, but let's assume you're an amoral cretin for a moment and appeal to your basest desires. If you're a sociopathic dick, it might be a good move for your sex life's sake to hide that fact as long as possible.

Items of that commit cultural appropriation.

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By: Oppressed  and marginalized peoples; Urban Outfitters


Your justification: "I'm not trying to offend anybody."


Why you're wrong: As my father would say, "You're not trying not to either." And as I would say, "Your music festival fucking sucks."

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