August is almost halfway over, which means soon you'll have to pack up your beach umbrellas and put your Slip'N Slides back into your Slip'N Slide closet. But you aren't the only one who is packing up for summer. Oh no, not by any means. That's very small-minded of you. So is that little West Coast town that makes all the movies and films: Hollywood! Unfortunately, this means the end of August movie schedule is an infamous wasteland. You get one or two good movies in the beginning (Guardians of the Galaxy being this year's), but after that, the studios begin openly berating their viewers, as if to say, "You aren't going to enjoy the waning moments of summer? Okay, here's your punishment." With random sequels, brain dead romantic comedies and movies starring animals that can talk despite no effort being made to have their mouths line up with the words they're saying, this is as good as it's gonna get. Here's a preview at what's to come in the final weeks or summer movie season:
August 15th
College Sex Bang Time For Two High School Seniors Who Spend A Weekend At Their Older Friend's Dorm Room:
The title speaks for itself in this comedic romp about sex, college, a teenager and another teenager. This film stars someone from Nickelodeon looking to be taken more seriously, but doesn't realize that this is absolutely not the way and Brad Pitt in a favor to the director.
MicroBabies
A group of babies accidentally go into a closet they shouldn't have at their daycare and are shrunk down to microscopic size. Starring Amanda Seyfried as the voice of all the babies, and even the babies forget who is who at various points. Rated R.
Untitled
This film has no title, no current description, no cast and a director who is freaking the fuck out. The marketing campaign so far has been solid: "Will they cast, make and edit this movie in time?" can been seen all over subway stations, billboards and Chipotle bags. Will they actually answer the tagline? Go to your local theater on August 15th to find out!
August 20th
Gone With The Wind: Re-Release
The most popular film of all-time (with inflation) is coming back to theaters! This time the studio removed all the non-racist parts and the film is inexplicably 25 minutes longer.
August 22nd
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2
The sequel to the film from just weeks ago will have viewers once again initially somewhat amused and then just flat-out confused as plot points are completely forgotten about and sometimes even fabricated out of thin air. The plot is about a pizza that's evil or something. Mostly it's just the turtles incredulously saying lines like, "This again?" and "Didn't we just do this?" It's only 45 minutes long, but features a 45 minutes credits sequence that is really more of a director's commentary on the film that just happened.
Jerry Bruckheimer Presents: An Advertisement For Walmart
Co-produced and paid for by Walmart and Jerry Bruckheimer, this four hour commercial for Walmart will be appearing in 3,500 theaters nationwide. It stars the entire Walton family traveling across America to visit a few of their stores and pose for photo ops with their employees. If you've never heard of or been to a Wal-Mart, maybe check this out?
Setting
Originally supposed to be a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler, the writer forgot to add a setting and the film subsequently takes place in a white void. The film's title is ironic and very funny. In an interesting spin on the traditional romantic comedy, the characters get to float around because there are no laws of physics in the void. How will this film end? The writer also hasn't written an ending yet and may ultimately choose to leave the characters in the void forever.
August 26th
Yule Log
The Christmastime favorite makes its big screen debut! Eight hours of a single log ablaze in a fireplace, providing the perfect background to your Christmas celebration. The log talks at one point in hour four, but that was mistakenly left in from when the producers were considering having the log talk. Studios are encouraging families to move up Christmas four months and to celebrate in their neighborhood movie theater.
August 29th
@BlackStewie
Imagine Stewie from Family Guy. Now imagine him as a racist black stereotype that tweets. This film is about the creator of the Twitter account @BlackStewie, 14-year-old Jacob Bradley. Directed by Vine celebrity X People Always Be Like, it is accidentally a brilliant portrayal of how racism festers and comes to be in a world many consider to be post-racial. I would not be surprised if this film wins Best Documentary at the Oscars.
Honey I Shrunk The Kids
First time writer/director Marty Janson accidentally wrote the exact same script, word-for-word, as the 1989 film Honey I Shrunk The Kids. He then accidentally hired the same exact cast, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially since all the titular kids are adults now. He then accidentally made a shot-for-shot remake of the original. He claims he never saw the original and no one is believing him.
Star Wars: Episode VII
J.J. Abrams continues one of the most popular movie franchises of all-time in this surefire smash hit!
Brendan O'Hare is attempting to be a writer and comedian while living in NYC. Follow his comedy jokes on Twitter here.
