The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The Met Gala 2013

This year’s Met Gala had the Internet’s totally level-headed fashion community debating what is and isn’t “punk"—this year's totally arbitrary theme. This is stupid because A: That’s exactly the basic ass conversation they hoped you’d have when they picked the theme, and B: Attending balls is inherently not punk rock to begin with. But man, do people sure have opinions about this shit. "Raf Simons is the only guest who understands punk!" "Kristen Stewart thinks she’s soooooo punk!" People are talking, which, newsflash, is why you theme your giant fashion circle jerk costume preservation charity ball after some nebulous concept that to some is a spiritually defining ethos and, to others, just another adjective for describing a fuckton of studs on a leather jackets.

“These critics and these trust fund kids try to tell me what punk is,” Good Charlotte once sang, “but when they see me on the street they got nothing to say.” Don’t worry Benji and Joel, I’m not going to waste your time dissecting who's punk and who isn’t. Seeing how your favorite star, designer or stylist interpreted the theme, though, is a window into their relative corniness, which, should be said, would have prevailed regardless of theme. Some people took it way too literally and some ignored it completely—quite frankly, more punk than conforming to some arbitrary guideline—but mostly people just looked stupid and that’s why we’re all here. So, let's review the best, laughable and definitely-want-to-hit-the-after-party-with-you-iest looks of the night.

Photographs courtesy of Buzzfeed and Vogue

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

Tiger Woods

Eldrick Tiger Woods lost all his swagger the moment the world found out his sexts were more violent than his swing. Now, Tiger basically looks like your ex-girlfriend’s Asian dad who works at Microsoft, drives a hybrid Lexus SUV and definitely has multiple terabytes of porn saved on an external hard drive.

David Lauren

Young Lifshitz looks like he was styled by Eli Cash on a mescaline kick and his lapels look big enough to fold out into a functional hang glider, which is some shit I would definitely be on if I were a billionaire fashion heir.

Riccardo Tisci

The man in charge of Givenchy's bespoke streetwear operation, and this year's Met Gala co-host, doesn’t care that you menswear traditionalists say notch lapels are weak on the red carpet. He’s standing next to the best-dressed woman at the entire fucking shindig and he backflips into a bed of Rottweiler-printed bills each night before falling into a deep, enviably sleep.

John Krasinski

Like all traditionally Don Draper — but not mean and drunk Don Draper — looking motherfuckers, John Krasinski doesn’t have to conform to society’s rules. He’ll just look solid while the rest of you guys play dress up. He is authentic. He is America's heartland.

Valentino

Wonka let Valentino out of the chocolate factory for one night and he can’t even enjoy it because the queen of validation, Anne Hathaway, is all up in his shit, asking if he reallllllyyyyy liked Les Mis.

Gavin Rossdale

Gavin Rossdale could’ve been on point if he’d tailored up his black watch a bit, but maybe the baggy look plus creepers works because dude is almost 50. I’m just going to listen to "Mouth" on repeat and start drafting my mid-30s think piece of how underrated Bush was.

BJ Novak

Novak is definitely getting more tang than he should because bland ass white girls love The Office and because his name is BJ, so I’m sure he has a stockpile of sly fellatio zingers on deck. Whatever man, you’re not as cool as my homie Ben from college, who, not only looks just like you, but was awesome at Counter-Strike AND pulled hella biddies. Beat that, BJ.

Tom Brady

Brady missed the point of this event more than he’ll miss Wes Welker next season. Either go full on punk or just look so good nobody cares. Brady does neither, mistaking novelty for radicalism like the many misguided teenagers who keep Hot Topic in business.

Jamie Campbell Bower

This dude is not even worth Googling to find out who the fuck he is, but I was definitely trying to follow his movements as the evening wound down. Homeboy was definitely headed straight to wherever copious amounts of blow were readily available. Plus, we’re never not vicariously hitting on Phil Collins’ bomb daughter.

Kanye West

Yeezy rolled up in smartly dressed 808’s and Heartbreak era black tie because he knows saying 808’s is his best album will be a super punk opinion in, like, five years. "I Am An Air Tie" dropping soon.

Jason Sudeikis

I want to be mad at this herb, but I can’t. It’s not his fault he wore Jordans to the Met Gala. It’s your fault, Internet. This is your creation. You already KNOW Sudeikis reads blogs—you’ve seen him in an Ebbets Field baseball cap sitting courtside. At the end of the day, I can’t hate on anyone who gets to smang the greatest O.C. cast member of all time though.

PSY

Ugh, this fucking guy. Can this be over please? How strong is the PSY groupie economy that this dude can be at ALL OF THE EVENTS? This picture was taken right before Frank Ocean asked him for the check.

Victor Cruz

Victor Cruz looked good, so props to him. Though, I'm pretty sure dude has better things to do than attend a fashion party to prove just how much he totes loves fashionz, like, I don't know, sign a new fucking contract so he can actually do his job next year?

Joshua Jackson

Pacey Witter out here angling for his eventual Tarantino flick comeback. But, yo, JJ is dressed like one of Tommy Hilfiger's cabana boys.

Tommy Hilfiger

Speaking of Tommy Hilfiger, it's official—he is the whitest human being alive. FYI, this jacket available at a Macy's near you shortly.

Marc Jacobs

MJ and Sofia Coppola are both in pajamas because they know this whole ball is a snorefest. Who cares who they are wearing? I want to know much money you have to make for it to always be perpetual naptime?

Andrew Bevan

You probably don’t know who this guy is because, unlike me, you probably don't read Teen Vogue religiously. It’s okay, Hailee Steinfeld doesn’t know who this weird creep next to her is either.

Eddie Redmayne

Sooooooo dreamy, guys. Eddie holds it down for all the gingers out there still getting called “Weasley” at school. Wait, his name is Red Mayne?! Am I the first to notice this? The world is still a magical place if you know where to look.

The Guy Behind Taylor Swift And Bill Cunningham AKA Virgil Abloh

This guy is just cooling in the elevator on his phone in a fresh fit and slippers, asking Ye for permission to Vine his performance later and ruining a bunch of Instagram pictures with the Been Trill app.

Solange, Humberto Leon And Grimes

All I know about Grimes is girls on Tumblr love her, so she must make truly terrible music. Regardless, she looks like she’d be down for a trippy hang because she wore a Samuel L. Jackson costume to a black tie gala.

Sienna Miller, Tom Sturridge, Abby Lee Kershaw, Tony Stonem

We’re ditching the dickhead in the hat as soon as the camera stops flashing and getting snowed out of our globes in the replica CBGB bathroom, while watching Skins season 1 on a Samsung Galaxy.

The Olsen Twins

Fresh off the boat from Westeros and/or your aunt Sage’s wiccan bookstore, the twinsies are always on the level above the level I’m trying to spiritually ascend to.

Alexander Wang And Julianne More

FINALLY, some actual adults who know where the classy drugs are at. Couture opium is so in right now.

Miley Cyrus, Kelly Osborne, Cara D, Rita Ora

Yeah, my nose is bleeding just from looking at this picture too. The Mount Rushmore of giving zero fucks looks way cooler than I ever imagined it would. #MethGala2013 is a wrap. See you next year.