Image via Complex Original
Three players—Messi, Neymar and Muller—have four goals tallied already this World Cup. Six others have 3 goals to their name. Thirteen have 2. Twenty seven with just 1. In total, if my math checks out (which it probably doesn't because of when I wrote this, but whatever) 136 goals have been scored. Some have been important ones. Others, not so much. Some were scored by good players. One was scored by Fernando Torres. Brits scored. Italians too. The US government even let an Iranian player score. 136! Wow! That's more goals than Wilt Chamberlain scored against the Knicks in 1962!
That's 136 chances for a guy to pop off his shirt. 136 robots danced. 136 [insert praying hands emoji here]. 136 babies cradled. But as we know, every goal is different. Every goal requires a different type of celebration. Often, goal celebrations share similarities. There's some sort of common denominator: A gesture is made by a goal-scoring Ecuadorian and then replicated days later by an equally jubilant Socceroo. An Elephant from the Ivory Coast rejoices just as a celestial Uruguayan might.
Before we head any further into what is already shaping up to be a particularly spectacular knockout stage of this World Cup, let's examine some of those common denominators. Let's categorically break down all the different types of goal celebrations.
Andrew Meisel is a writer living in NYC who loves soccer.
CELEBRATIONLEAD
bench
This is always great. Run to the bench! High five the coach! Hug your best friend! Jump around! Get some water! The coach tells everyone to stay focused and shouts tactics into the center defenders ear. Magic! Or in the case of Mexican mascot coach Miguel Herrera, sometimes you have your own celebrating to do.
follometofreedom
An American move, 100%. Clint runs out of the goal. His compatriots are ecstatic. He screams, “Follow me to freedom!” carrying an American flag. He knee slides into the corner flag. This celebration may have originated in Scotland.
powerpump
This move was originally manufactured in Germany, but has equal importance in the Netherlands. Muller tested it in the opener against Portugal, but mastered it against the US. Arjen Robben is also a hardcore pumper. He pumps for goals. He pumps for assists. He pumps.
charliebrown
Head down at a 90 degree angle. A slow walk back to midfield. The goal scored was meaningless. The balloon of hope had long been deflated. Fernando Torres mastered it against Australia after his team had already been eliminated. Cristiano Ronaldo followed suit. There are possible historical links with the Iberian Peninsula.
praying
Only a handful of players have feet blessed by the Lord himself. Messi is one. Neymar is another. There was speculation that Javier Hernandez of Mexico was getting some help from the Big Man. "I drop down to my knees thankful for life today" *Rich Homie Quan voice*.
dance
A beautiful moment when a team dances together. I will always remember my first dance. No, not the one where she had braces and my boner was nervously tucked into my waistline. It was Senegal vs. France in thje World Cup 2002. Papa Bouba Diop scores and the Senegalese players run to the corner flag. Diop lays down his shirt and the team ceremoniously dances around it. Left, right, kick. Left, right, pause. Left, right, kick. Left, right, pause. Beautiful.
otherguy
Dude 1: Dude, that was all you. Such an amazing pass.
Dude 2: Bro, your finish was literally so sick. Like, oh my gosh, that shot when it went passed the goalie, he was all like, "NOOO!" LMAO I was dying.
Dude 1: Yeah, but that pass! It was completely perfect. Rhe defender couldn't even slide to get it!!
[Both men giggle then high-five.]
End scene.
hungruman
Soccer players are notorious for being hungry. "The hungry tiger always kills," said Jurgen Klinsman, or Shere Khan. Possible explanation for the behavior of our friend Louis Suarez.
cahill
Physical violence toward corner flags is common. Players from Australia and the Netherlands are the most violent perpetrators. We need to eradicate this type of violence from the game #ProtectCornerFlags #EndFlagViolence #YesAllFlags.
notdeadyet
Down 3 goals. 10 minutes left. There is still a chance. Not dead yet, just really, really badly burned.
