Good morning, America. I hope you’re enjoying yourself on the eve of the 237th anniversary of our great nation performing it’s own C-section from within England’s womb. It’s been an interesting couple and change centuries and we’ve had our highs and lows. But in the spirit of this fine holiday, marked by the copious consumption alcohol, pyrotechnics and Chinet, let’s focus on the highs.

Great as America is, the particulars can be a little—let’s face it—dull. History class is basically a highlight reel of our nation posterizing other countries, yet we still slept through it. The best way to appreciate the gravitas of an American milestone is by being there to feast your own eye-tongues on those moment-pops. And the best way to experience anything of import is while you’re fucking hammered.

Beamed straight from my honeycomb hideout inside Mt. Rushmore, here are the greatest moments in American history we wish we were drunk for.

Rick Morrison is a writer living in North Carolina. Follow him on Twitter here.