These Crocs are dope, and I'm going to pretend for one minute here that you are mature enough to hear me out about this.

You know what Crocs were originally designed for? The spa. How fucking leisurely and opulent is that? Shoes that are meant to be worn only in a place where you pay exorbitant amounts of money to have humans rub you with expensive oils.

I can get down with that.

I can also get down with extreme comfort. Most of the time. Not always. I like jeans that have the structural integrity of cardboard. I don't wear shorts. I don't even wear short-sleeved shirts. But have you ever put a pair of Crocs on your feet? It's insane. They literally change gravity. You know Mario Batali, that vile, fat celebrity chef from TV cooking shows? He wears Crocs because they actually make him 35 pounds lighter. Without them his ankles would collapse and his body would hit the floor like a sack of pig lard before exploding in a mushroom shaped cloud of bolognese sauce.

I like the classic brightly colored Crocs, but these are better. Real Tree Camo, favored by every haters favorite brand—Supreme—is exactly that. Real. Tree. Camo. No artistic renderings of foliage here. Real trees, motherfucker. This stuff is designed to be worn by people who go into the woods to kill stuff with guns. You know who I mean—hunters. Imagine a hunter. They tend to be burly, neckless, jerky-eating dudes. They aren't unlike bikers, truck drivers, or leather fetishists. Now imagine one of those dudes wearing fucking Crocs.

I don't want this declaration to be misconstrued as irony or reactionary. I mean it. I will continue to make fun of losers I see wearing Crocs in public. I'm not saying that I think they look good. I'm just saying that if you change your attitude a little bit, you might find that there are things more important that trying to not look like a loser all the time. I betcha if they were Nike you'd change your tune, dick.

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