25 Stupid Car Things To Do Before You're Old Enough To Know Better

Before we get started, we want to make make this clear: A lot of the stuff on this list is seriously stupid, and will get you hurt, killed, or imprisoned. If your IQ is lower than your age and you treat this as a check-list, as opposed to entertainment, don't call us for bail money.

With age, comes wisdom. With wisdom comes a risk-averse demeanor that doesn't make for very good stories. These acts are incredibly dumb, but will make for some fantastic stories. Take a look at 25 Stupid Car Things to do Before You're Old Enough to Know Better.

PS: Washing your car half-naked as the Vice President in front of the country's seat of power was a close runner up.

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Why It's Awesome: There are very few dance moves that an automobile can do, but the pirouette is one. Also, if you know how to do it, it sets you apart as a guy who really knows how to handle a car; most people just understeer into a fence when they try.

Why It's Stupid: You'll need to disable your ABS, probably with a screwdriver and some wire cutters. Light poles almost always win in melee combat with cars.

Why It's Awesome: The drinking age in Canada is 18.

Why It's Stupid: Underage possession of alcohol is a much, much bigger deal when it involves international law.

Why It's Awesome: Donuts are the squealing, smoking, spinning poster child for hoonage.

Why It's Stupid: Donuts are loud and send smoke signals to the police that somebody is being an idiot in a post office parking lot.

Why It's Awesome: The road trip is the classic American youth's adventure, and this is a heck of a lot cheaper than a hotel.

Why It's Stupid: From a mugger's point of view, you look like the Christmas display in the windows of Saks 5th Avenue. Plus, it's just not worth the aching back and neck you'll have for the next two weeks.

Why It's Awesome: Moving vans are expensive and it promotes driver-car bonding.

Why It's Stupid: Moving vans aren't as expensive as re-purchasing all the crap you couldn't fit in your Geo Metro.

Why It's Awesome: Customized cars are one of the ultimate expressions of gear-head-ism. Modders learn a lot about their cars.

Why It's Stupid: You don't have the slightest clue as to what the hell you're doing. You'll learn a lot from your mistakes that you're too broke to fix after buying all those mods.

Why It's Awesome: It's not just a car, it's a mobile party.

Why It's Stupid: Your Ford Explorer might be the least cost-effective way to power a television.

Why It's Awesome: There's no way you can afford two cars, so you race car has to be your daily driver.

Why It's Stupid: Your daily driver has one seat, no carpets, and an illegal exhaust system while your race car has 48,000 miles of wear on its brakes.

Why It's Awesome: You can buy a race car for $500.

Why It's Stupid: You still need to buy racing equipment for $4,000, and trusting your life to the stock safety equipment of a 1976 Chevy Vega with a salvage title might not be too wise.

Why It's Awesome: You like cars; you like sex. What could be better than sex in cars? We've written about the subject extensively before.

Why It's Stupid: It's illegal, and that pervert cop with the mustache is going to silently watch and take pictures for 15 minutes before breaking up the action.

Why It's Awesome: If your car is worth $1,200, and it needs $800 in repairs and you manage to get $1,050 for it, that's pretty cool... right?

Why It's Stupid: When the new owner's mechanic says that this problem has obviously been going on for years and you get your ass sued off.

Why It's Awesome: Off-roading is awesome. It's stupid that moms buy SUVs and never use them in the dirt anyway.

Why It's Stupid: That Cadillac SRX or Buick Enclave is not really an SUV, it's more like a station wagon that's inexplicably too high off the ground. It's about as off-road worthy as a Lincoln Town Car. If we had to guess, we'd say that the Caddy pictured above stalled out about two seconds after that picture was taken.

Why It's Awesome: You're hungry and, for some reason, the pizza shop is still open.

Why It's Stupid: Surely you can figure out something else to eat. Risking your life and most valuable possession for two slices of pizza is beyond stupid. Also, if you get stranded, it's really bloody cold out.

Why It's Awesome: For only $750 you could be rolling in a Benz.

Why It's Stupid: For only $750, $1,250 of steering repairs, a new $2,000 cooling system, a $800 new catalytic converter, and a $6,000 engine rebuild, you could be in a car that doesn't suck balls.

Why It's Awesome: You can quote Top Gear, stating that you're a "true petrol-head," since you've owned an Alfa Romeo.

Why It's Stupid: For the amount you spend on your old Jag or Alfa Romeo, you could have had a car that's not only faster, but starts when the key is turned.

Why It's Awesome: It's so manly and American that chest hair grows an eighth of an inch for every second of burnout.

Why It's Stupid: Tires aren't cheap and neither are traffic violations.

Why It's Awesome: You're slowly building yourself an awesome car, just like so many cool movie characters have done before you.

Why It's Stupid: You might possess the pictured garage full of circa 1908 Cadillac Model M bits, but there's no way in hell that you'll find the skill, time, or funds to turn that mess of scrap into a car. Face it, all that's in your workshop is seven wheels and a bunch of crap.

Why It's Awesome: You'll save gas by not slowing down for corners and you'll make female passengers squeal.

Why It's Stupid: It doesn't matter if you weren't exceeding the speed limit by taking that roundabout at 45mph, the cop will find something to ticket you for.

Why It's Awesome: After a long drive, all you usually want to do is eat and sleep. This makes the eating part just that much easier.

Why It's Stupid: If there's a leak, depending on what's leaking, you'll be eating poisson de exhaust fume or your car will forevermore smell like rotting coq au vin.

Why It's Awesome: Both your car and XBox are broken. The car is still running and your bank account is empty so...

Why It's Stupid: Because of your broken exhaust pipe, you'll be deaf before you can afford to go to any concerts, you're a constant noise violation, and everybody thinks you're a douchebag. Also, that's going to cost four times as much to fix in three months when it's even more busted.

Why It's Awesome: There is no better way to show that you know exactly how your car handles than being able to put it exactly where you want it even when sliding.

Why It's Stupid: You don't know exactly how your car handles and you will almost definitely send it crashing into another car, the curb, or a wall. That's both expensive and embarrassing all wrapped into one.

Why It's Awesome: It's the way testosterone-crazed Arizona youths hoon in dry creek-beds. They're basically naturally occurring rally stages.

Why It's Stupid: Your Volvo 840 Wagon is tough as nails, but no car short of a Ford F-150 Raptor can stand up to this abuse.

Why It's Awesome: Anything that involves car control past the limits of traction, giant clouds of dust, and turbochargers is awesome. It's that simple.

Why It's Stupid: You can't afford to buy a Subaru WRX STi or a Mitsubishi Lancer EVOLUTION and then spend more money toughening it for rallying. It's said that a single mile of rally racing puts as much wear on a car as 2,500 miles of regular driving. Can you afford that?

Why It's Awesome: When people are escaping from things in movies and TV, this is how they back out of parking lots in a bad-ass way.

Why It's Stupid: You're not a stunt driver and are really, really likely to end up facing the wrong way and then crash.

Why It's Awesome: Smoke! Noise! Power! Muscle! Sideways-ness!

Why It's Stupid: There seem to be trees and ditches right off the road near most good corners.