Image via Complex Original
The Miami Heat are the 2013 NBA Finals champions. There’s no need for a “yeah, we said it” here because everyone knows this. If you didn’t know at the beginning of the season or when the Heat were in the midst of their 27-game win streak, you certainly know now that Russell Westbrook is likely out for the remainder of OKC’s playoff run.
What will happen when LeBron and Co. win their second-consecutive title? Aside from the obvious Chris Bosh champagne facial and another orgasmic rant from Dan Lebatard. We're here paint a vivid picture of all the things that will go down when the South Beach crew hoists the Larry O'Brien trophy in June. From Birdman (the one with the itchy palms) getting an NBA championship ring tatted on his face to the Great Wall being named after D-Wade, here are 10 Things That Will Happen When the Miami Heat Win the Finals This Year.
When everyone else goes to Disney World, Chris Bosh will celebrate his win with a trip to Jurassic Park.
Has the "Chris Bosh looks like a dinosaur" meme run its course yet? Didn't think so. And with Jurassic Park re-releasing in 3D, it doesn't seem like it ever will. So whilst LeBron and Dwyane Wade get the Disney shine, Bosh should go party with his prehistoric homies.
Rony Seikaly will DJ the after-after-afterparty.
See, here's where things get weird. Because Rony Seikaly, a former Heat center and their first-ever draft pick (9th overall in 1988) is now a highly regarded house music DJ based out of Miami. So not only will he probably be at the games, chances are amazingly good that this will happen. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.
Dwyane Wade will have the Great Wall named after him.
Dwyane Wade made waves this summer when he left Jordan Brand to sign with Li Ning and become head of his own sub brand. This was his "Jordan in '97" moment, and he wasn't going to turn down the chance to become CEO Wade. If Stephon Marbury got a damn statue for winning the Chinese championship, the sky's the limit on how Li Ning will reward Wade for winning his third ring. "The Wade Wall" has a nice ring to it, though.
The Bulls will retire LeBron James' number
In one of the strangest decisions in NBA history, Pat Riley and the Miami Heat retired Michael Jordan's number following his final retirement, this despite the fact that Jordan never played for the Heat, and in fact he even knocked them out of the playoffs three times, twice in the first round.
This was an unprecedented way to honor a competitor, even one as fierce as Jordan. But what the hell. The Bulls should return the favor and retire LeBron's No. 6 jersey next year if the Heat win again. Maybe LeBron would retire, too.
Lil Wayne will never get to sit courtside again.
If you're ever looking for how NOT to be an NBA fan, Weezy's antics are a good place to start. He's sworn allegiance to any number of teams, performed a song in praise of Kobe, and blasted both Miami AND Oklahoma City for not treating him with the proper deference. He's something of the anti-Spike Lee, who's been a Knicks fan for life and gladly pays for his seats. Here's the thing, Wayne: You need the Heat more than they need you. Play nice, or you'll be watching all the games from home.
Juwan Howard will play one more season—in trifocal goggles.
As the Michigan Wolverines made their way back to the NCAA Championship game this year for the first time since 1993, the spotlight once again turned to the Fab Five. What went unsaid was the utterly amazing fact that one of those guys is still playing in the NBA. Jalen Rose retired in 2007, Chris Webber called it quits in 2008, but Juwan Howard is still out there getting buckets. OK, fine, he only played in seven games this year. But he STARTED two of them! Where you at, Jimmy King?
Kobe Bryant will stab Dwight Howard in the neck with Steve Nash.
It's going to be hard enough for Kobe Bryant to sit and watch his own Lakers in the playoffs (for one round, anyway) as he recovers from a torn Achilles tendon. But once his dysfunctional mates are gone, then what? Watching King James get crowned once again could push him over the edge. Note to Dwight: Maybe don't go to Kobe's house looking to make a Harlem Shake video in June.
Shane Battier will appear in Rick Ross' next music video as a rival drug dealer.
Look, Shane Battier is already a mastermind—you read the New York Times magazine piece, right?—so it's only a short step towards him being a criminal mastermind. You know what? Forget the Rick Ross video, that's thinking small. Get Crockett and Tubbs and the rest of the gang back together, and let's roll on Miami Vice 2.
Pat Riley will "accidentally" knock Eric Spoelstra off his yacht and take over as coach.
Eric Spoelstra's job appears safer than it's ever been since he was named coach in April of 2008. Back then, Pat Riley said "This game is now about younger coaches who are technologically skilled, innovative, and bring fresh new ideas...He's a man that was born to coach."
It took Spoelstra three seasons to get the Heat back to the Finals, but now he's looking at the possibility of three Finals in three years, with two titles on top of that. And all that with the Heat juggernaut just gathering steam. Riley earned five rings of his own as a coach—how badly does he want a sixth?
Birdman will get a championship ring tattooed over his entire face.
Chris "Birdman" Andersen is in a battle with J.R. Smith to be the NBA's most heavily tattooed player but he still has to answer to David Stern. Who does Bryan "Birdman" Williams have to answer to? Nobody!
You peeped the red stars on his head and you know Birdman loves his favorite team's enough to place seven-figure bets on 'em. So, why not combine his passion for his sports teams and ink to get the Heat's 2013 NBA championship ring tattooed over his entire face? Sounds like a plan. *does the trademark handrub*
