Image via Complex Original
With Eastbound & Down's fourth season coming to an end, we're bracing ourselves for life without Kenny Powers. Danny McBride's character might not be in the same league as Walter White (R.I.P.), but he does still hold a special place in our heart, a place with room for an arrogant, abrasive, alcoholic, drug-addicted former baseball player.
Despite his shortcomings, KP has dropped a lot of (profanity-filled) knowledge on us. He's taught us when and how to man-up and grow up, even if the latter never lasts long for us. He's taught us that perseverance pays off. And he's also taught us which rides are appropriate for certain situations.
Powers' transportation has been diverse throughout the last four seasons, which is fitting. He's been a boring teacher in North Carolina, a recluse in Mexico, a minor-leaguer in Myrtle Beach, and now, a TV star back in North Carolina. Each situation has required different whips. We're here to pass on the lessons with What Ride You Need for Various Situations, According to Kenny Powers.
RELATED: 10 Luxurious Cars That MTV's Undeserving Super Sweet 16 Kids Received From Their Rich Parents
RELATED: Gallery: The 25 Coolest Flying Cars In TV And Movies
Being a Boring (But Secretly Awesome), Real Person
Ride: Ford Bronco
Even when you're just a regular dude with a regular whip, you have to find a way to show your personality. Kenny did it by adding the off-road lights and painting it black.
Blowing Off Steam
Ride: Jet Ski
Out in the water, there aren't any dickheads to bother you. It's just you, the waves, and a leopard print jet ski. If you do mess up, and the topless bimbo you brought along starts to bother you, well, you can just dump her off on a tight turn.
Practicing Your Fastball and Defeating Your Enemies
Ride: BMW
Sometimes you need to man-up and get your fire back. Plunk your enemies in the eye or obliterate a dealership worth of BMW windows.
Prematurely Celebrating New-Found Income
Ride: GMC Denali
Nevermind that no papers have been signed and no money has been transferred. A verbal agreement is reason enough to ball out and pick up a new Denali. What could go wrong?
Lying Low in Mexico
Ride: Scooter
Turns out a lot can go wrong. The agent who promised you a deal can turn out to be a rogue drug addict soon to be out of a job. When you're trying to hide out in Mexico, a scooter is a great way to get from A to B.
Making an Entrance
Ride: Donkey Wagon
And when you finally say, "Fuck lying low," and return to baseball, you need to make an entrance like el flama blanca. You could stroll to the mound with no flair or be pulled across the field by a burro. Your choice.
Spiting Your Former Boss Who Went Down on Your GF
Ride: Lamborghini Diablo Roadster (Replica)
Would you really let your boss getting away with going down on your girl in the recording studio where he was supposed to make her a star? Fuck that. Steal his Lambo and take a cruise.
Bonding With Your Pops
Ride: ATV
They're no jet skis, but a ride through the mountains on all-terrain vehicles can bring out a long-lost bond with your father. Just don't ask how he paid for them. He might be stupid broke and mooching off a sugar mama.
Cruising a Beach Town
Ride: Can-Am Spyder
Always do as the natives do. In Myrtle Beach, that means hanging out on the beach, partying balls, and driving an open-air vehicle. Or if you're Kenny Powers, just act like yourself. He never should have left.
Showing Everybody How the Locals Do
Ride: Boogie Board
What's it take for people to understand that there are just too many sponges in the ocean for people to be surfing any which way they please. Kenny made sure to send his message that locals reign supreme. Leg knife optional.
Transporting Your Baby
Ride: Dodge Ram 1500
You can't drive a baby around in a Can-Am Spyder. A raised Ram 1500 with Lamborghini doors is a much more reasonable form of transportation for a little tot.
RELATED: 25 Wild Cars With Lambo Doors
Transporting Your Baby More Appropriately
Ride: Minivan
Even more reasonable is a Minivan. Let's just say we're glad that this ride didn't stick around for more than a few episodes.
Getting Your Masculinity Back
Ride: Chrysler Sebring
All your conventional auto knowledge tells you that a Sebring isn't manly. And that knowledge is correct, save for one situation. If you've already let a dickhead in a Mustang punk you once, you can't let it happen again. The Sebring certainly isn't as fast or cool as the Ford, but it can sure as hell act as a good wrecking ball (no Miley) for crashing into the side of said 'Stang and running it off the road.
Returning to Fame
Ride: Dodge Viper
When one career ends, you just need to find another that you can be equally successful and equally visible in. And when that happens, or if you even get a slight feeling that it'll happen, you pull the trigger and get a sweet ass sports car.
Charity
Ride: Dragon Boat
You should do anything for the kids. If it involves tossing your co-host/dead weight off the boat, then so be it.
For Being Jordan Instead of Pippen
Ride: Jetpack
Don't let your rival/co-host stunt on you and tell you can't afford a jetpack. Stunt right back and purchase one for yourself, regardless of cost. You can't file bankruptcy when you've run out of social currency.
