Image via Complex Original
In the middle of an endless road trip the last thing on your mind is healthy eating. When you are in your car, you are the king of your tiny automotive kingdom, and damn it, you deserve that one snack that will make the problems of the world melt away.
In the car, you are usually by yourself or with your most trusted allies. Nobody that cares will find out if you have that bag of chips, that stack of cookies or that corndog that you know has been sitting there for days. We spent some time thinking about the snacks that have gotten us through those endless hours of staying in between the white and yellow lines.
These are the snacks that helped us prepare for the visit with the lady's parents. These are the treats that we housed to numb the pain of driving home from vacation. These are the foods that have given us that dose of short-term, fatty, sugary energy that no amount of salad could ever hope to provide. These are the 25 Best Gas Station Snacks.
25. Hotdog
We see that face you're making. Don't act you haven't resorted to a gas station hotdog and kind of liked it. We've all been mesmerized by the red glow of those dogs that have clearly been simmering in that glass case for days. It's never a good idea to buy one of these, but if you stare at them long enough, you can convince yourself to pull the trigger.
A true baller will make it a corn dog, but we reserve that move for special occassions.
24. Circus Peanut Gummies
We have included these less for their actual taste than the mystery surrounding them. They don't taste like peanuts. They don't even taste like peanut butter, yet here they are, shaped like a peanut.
From time to time, we pick up a pack of these, if only to remember that the world is full of wondrous mystery.
23. Pickle In a Bag
Sometimes you are just craving a single serving pickle packed in a difficult to open plastic bag. Okay, we've never had that feeling either, but their must be a significant portion of the population who has, since you see a dozen different varieties of these at every gas station.
If you ever do get struck by a pickle craving, you'll have plenty of options.
22. Oversized Rice Krispies Treat
Everything is bigger at the gas station: from the soft drinks (damn you, Bloomberg) to soft pretzels. One of our favorite all-too-large snacks has to be those foot-long Rice Krispies Treats. You were first introduced to the kid-friendly snack in sensibly-sized portions, cut from your mother's baking pan. Now that you are an adult, old enough to drive and waste your money on novelty-sized snacks, you should have the right to enjoy a treat four times the suggested serving size.
Why? Because this is America, damn it.
21. Big League Chew
As you've grown older, gum has stopped being fun. Now it's merely something you toss in your mouth in the absence of a mint before you chat up the cute secretary. Back in the day, there were all sorts of ridiculous gums to anger your parents with as you tried to fit as much in your mouth as possible while loudly popping bubbles in the back seat.
Big League Chew has to be our favorite, as it is not only a novelty candy, but also a thinly-veiled ploy to get kids to graduate to Copenhagen when they turn 18.
20. Hot Pockets
Be careful before you buy these: not every gas station has a microwave, and your Hot Pocket is no good to you frozen. If you are lucky enough to land microwave access, a hot pocket might be just the thing to help you push through that last leg of your journey. We discovered that the Hot Pockets website has a Frequently Asked Question page, in case you have any frequently asked Hot Pocket questions.
19. Potato Stix
Potato Stix are just potato chips, but harder to eat. At two in the morning after your day-long trip across the state, you can convince yourself there is something special about them though; we certainly have. Soon enough, you'll realize the only thing special about them is how hard they are to clean out of your car seat, when you drop a handful as you come to an unexpected stoplight.
You think you've learned your lesson, but it's only a matter of time before you make this delicious mistake again.
18. Butterscotch Krimpet
Look, we are down with the entire Tastykake Krimpet family. We found out while researching this article that they now make Pancake Krimpets, which provides yet another food that we can pretend is breakfast, but is really dessert. The reason that we have respect for the Butterscotch Krimpet in particular is that they took a flavor that would have otherwise died with our grandmothers (Sorry Grandma Mary), and gave it new life. Kids today wouldn't have a damn clue what butterscotch even was if not for these tasty-ass Tastykakes. Tastykake has made a treat that sounds like it is for an old British person and made it delicious, and that is no easy feat.
17. Cheap-ass Nachos
There are very few things in life that get better the cheaper they are, and no I am not making a joke about your mother. Nacho cheese is one of the few foods that is best enjoyed at the very low-end; nacho cheese is ideally consumed at public swimming pools, minor league ball parks, and gas stations. Just press hard on the dispenser and slather your chips in something that is likely illegal in several countries.
16. Taquitos
Taquitos, tornados, hillbilly spring rolls: whatever you call them, one thing is for sure, these treats bear about as much resemblance to a taco as Taco Bells bears to an authentic Mexican restaurant. These aren't really mini-tacos, as the name would imply. Gas station taquitos are more like a breaded tube to be filled with experimental meat paste. Yet, somehow, they are delicious.
Just ask how long they've been sitting in the case before you buy, or that tornado might wreck havoc on your digestive system.
15. Kettle-Cooked Potato Chips
There is no reason that these haven't replaced regular potato chips completely. The kettle-cooked, crunchier, saltier version of the potato chip is superior to the mass market variety in the way that Cylons are better than humans: without regular potato chips, kettle-cooked chips would never have existed, but after kettle-cooked chips, what use do regular chips have existing at all?
14. Frozen Burrito
You know you shouldn't. With every fiber of your being, you know you shouldn't. For about half an hour after you make this decision, you feel wonderful, like a king, like you've beaten fate. But, soon you will learn how grave a mistake you've made. The worst part is you won't learn. Like that crazy ex, this is a mistake you'll keep making again and again for the rest of your life.
13. Frosted Fruit Pies
Frosted fruit pies are the dessert equivalent of a salad loaded with bacon and ranch dressing: somehow, you can convince yourself that there are nutritional benefits to something that is likely to send you down the path to cardiac arrest.
Bonus points if you grab the pudding flavored pie, because if you do, at least you're being honest with yourself about what you're doing to your body.
12. Fried Mac 'N Cheese Bites
Not every gas station sells fried mac 'n cheese bites, but every gas station sells something fried that really shouldn't be. Sometimes it is fried mac 'n cheese; sometimes it is fried corn; sometimes it is fried pickles. No matter what food is tossed in the deep fryer with reckless abandon, the results are always amazing.
The day we stop frying foods that aren't meant to be fried is the day our country ceases to be great.
11. Frosted Animal Crackers
The snack food wars are an arms race. What was the sweetest snack on the shelf fifty years ago can quickly become today's lame, bland after thought. This is clearly the case with animal crackers. We've met breakfast cereals sweeter than animal crackers. Smothering these decent tasting crackers in a layer of frosted sugar and sprinkles was the only way to keep them from going extinct.
We will always be grateful for this innovation.
10. Snyders of Hanover Honey Mustard and Onion Pieces
When compared with the endless array of potato chips on the market, pretzels feel pretty dull. Snyders has a cure for the common pretzel: their line of flavored pretzel pieces is off the chain. They have a total of nine varieties, though we've never actually run into the "bacon cheddar" version before. If we had, we suspect it would also be on this list too. No matter which of these flavors you grab, you'll be better off than you were with boring old pretzels.
9. Two Pack of S'Mores Pop Tarts
One of America's greatest traditions is allowing ridiculously unhealthy foods to masquerade as breakfast. Pop Tarts are at the forefront of this American pastime. Even their fruit flavored offerings provide next to no nutrition, but their breakfast-pastry-based-on-campfire-snack takes "dessert as breakfast" to a whole new level.
8. Martin's BBQ Waffle Chips
You've probably never heard of Martin's BBQ Waffle Chips unless you're from the blessed area of Pennsylvania that carries these bad boys. A friend once said, they are "the chip that eats like a steak dinner," and damn it, he's right. We include Martin's BBQ Waffle Chips here as a placeholder though. As you are reading through this list, you probably can't stop thinking of that chip that only exists in the Albuquerque metropolitan area, or that cookie company that only distributes as far as the Ohio border. We respect your local snack foods, but to include all of them here would be unfair to the vast swaths of the country that already have it bad enough not having that amazing snack. Here's to all the local snack foods across this great country. May your small business tax breaks keep the chips and cookies contributing to the health problems of the populace for years to come.
7. Combos
Cheese inside a pretzel has to be one of the great innovations of modern man. Who cares if it isn't actually cheese in there? If it tastes vaguely like a crumbly, powdered version of the dairy staple, it's good enough for us. You are not truly a road warrior until you have sampled all seven varieties.
Our favorite: Buffalo Blue Cheese.
6. Oatmeal Creme Pie
Little Debbie gets no damn respect. There was a gnashing of teeth and a rending of garments when Hostess went the way of the dodo; we wonder if the the discount snack queen would get the same love should her sweet life be cut short. Though she is the red-headed step-snack brand, Debbie won't be beat in terms of value. Even at the gas station mark up, you can still get your hands on a pack of these for 50 cents. Yes, the picture above says 75, but that's for a double-decker, son.
5. Knock-off Snack Cakes
We don't want to hear you blubbering that you can't get your favorite treats anymore now that Hostess folded: there are at least a dozen companies out there making carbon copies with only a slight downgrade. In the greatest American tradition, gas station snack companies understand that if you can't beat 'em, make the same damn thing, just cheaper, and slightly worse tasting.
4. Krispy Kreme Donuts
Every gas station carries donuts, but not every gas station carries Krispy Kreme donuts. This is what seperates the good gas stations from the great. If you travel down south you can't throw a rock without breaking a Krispy Kreme display case, but up north, you get these gas stations that get their donuts from God knows where. If you decide to buy one of these, beware, you will dine on disappointment.
If all donuts could be Kirspy Kremes, what a world this would be.
3. Peachie-Os
Your first reaction might be that you prefer gummi bears or gummi worms. Wrong. You prefer the idea of gummi bears and gummi worms. They remind you of your childhood or some B.S. But, when push comes to shove and you're craving a hit of gummi, you grab those Peachie-Os. Those other gummis are only for when you eat Peachie-Os three days in a row and feel the need to switch it up.
2. The Mixes - Party Mix, Trail Mix, or Chex Mix
When you become an adult, you often get the idea in your head that the only way to start a party is to get your hands on some booze and weed. Wrong! The original way to start a party is to get your hands on some righteous party, trail, or Chex mix. Odds are you can't stand at least one part of the mix: Nobody loves corn chips, tortilla chips, cheese curls, pretzels AND knock-off Doritos. Half the fun of party mix is digging through the bag and tossing your least favorite pieces out on to the road to poison the local wildlife as you dine on only your favorite portions of the mix.
1. Beef Jerky
No food helps you work out your frustrations as well as beef jerkey. If you feel like you might get lost, slowed by the elements, or stuck in traffic, be sure to grab some before the most arduous leg of your journey. You'll thank us as you work out your anger at the traffic gods by gnawing your way through some beef jerkey rather than punching the dashboard and hurting your hand. Furthermore, what other snack can claim that it once had Macho Man Randy Savage as a spokesman?