Russian Hackers Forced the Pentagon's Joint Staff Off the Internet

Though authorities aren't sure whether it was civilian-driven or government-driven, they are certain that Russia placed the attack.

Good looks, Russia. Though federal authorities have yet to determine if the hack was "sanctioned by the Russian government or conducted by individuals," they are certain that a recent attack on the Pentagon's unclassified Joint Staff email system was Russian born. The attack constituted a "sophisticated cyber intrusion" which ultimately gathered a great deal of personal data from at least 4,000 military and civilian workers, though only unclassified documents were compromised. According to NBC, the email system and all internet were immediately shut down after the interruption was discovered.

Of course, we shouldn't automatically assume sinister intentions. Perhaps, through a prior hack, Vladimir Putin had discovered that Americans watch, say, an ungodly amount of 5 Seconds of Summer interviews on YouTube. He crunches the numbers, alongside a trusted mathematician, and comes to the harrowing conclusion that Americans have suddenly and without warning become really bad at The Internet. "Maybe we take the Pentagon offline for a bit," this theoretical Putin might ponder, "then people will be forced to see the value of the time they spend currently being very bad at The Internet."

Maybe so, theoretical Putin. Maybe so. But please don't take away my ability to quickly pull up that video of Roseanne singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" at a San Diego Padres game in 1990. I wouldn't want to know how it felt to live in a world without such easily located magic.


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