Image via Complex Original
Let's talk about the strangest track on Lil Wayne's new album I Am Not A Human Being II, "Romance." If you bought the album from iTunes, you may not have even heard it, as it was left off the track list. Our only guess is that Weezy was just as ambivalent about the song as we are.
After enduring ten albums of Wayne making more vagina puns than we thought the English language allowed for, Wayne tears out of his self-made constructs and comes out of left field about a song presumably about wooing women. He also makes baffling confessions about the way to his heart—kissing his sprained ankle, writing him cards, slow dancing, and holding hands? Who is this man, and what has he done with Wayne?
But before you think the rapper most likely to liken an object to his penis has gone soft (ahem), consider what he purports to be romance.
Here, we rate the actual romanticness of the many things Weezy claims "romance" is. He seemed confused about the definition of the word, so we cleared things up for him.
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"I always do you favors, and that's romance."
Actual Romanticness: 8/10
The opening line of "Romance" is hard to contest. It seems Lil Wayne knows the way to a woman's heart is with simple gestures. Picking up her dry cleaning, getting her a cup of coffee, cleaning up after your damn self without her having to ask—that shit is romantic gold. Elaborate gestures are for desperate, pussy-whipped men who have to rely on gimmicks like rose petals and horse-drawn carriage rides to do what their charm should be handling. But not Wayne. He's got that ironed-your-shirt-for-you game on lock.
"I fucked you on your job, and that's romance."
Actual Romanticness: 5/10
The efficacy of this move really depends on the woman. Wayne's spontaneity is commendable, but should the boss roll back in the office looking for a briefcase he left behind, it could also leave his object of affection without a job. Repercussions notwithstanding, an impromptu sex session on a piece of office furniture is sure to keep the relationship sexy and fresh. Keep up the good work, Weezy.
"They say the best part of waking up is breakfast after a nut/And that's romance."
Actual Romanticness: 7/10
A post-coital snack session is as widely appreciated as cup of coffee in the morning, which is why we also commend Wayne for working the Folger's jingle into his verse. We assume he'll be the one serving her breakfast in bed, but if we misunderstood, and he's expecting her to whip something up, this rating would quickly drop into negative numbers. Now go make the girl some pancakes.
"Any other ho, I would've cursed that ass out/But that's romance."
Actual Romanticness: 0/10
Lil' Tunechi prides himself on his self-restraint, and while we're happy to hear he's able to abstain from using four-letter-words, he shouldn't be congratulating himself. Not being an asshole is not cause to brush your shoulders off. Respecting her is a requirement, not something you get brownie points for, Wayne. Check yourself.
"We fuck and crash, that's romance."
Actual Romanticness: 6/10
If we're to believe Wayne's many (many, many, many) claims of stamina, and he can indeed go "all night like porch lights," we don't blame him and his bedmate for passing out post-sex. This also seems like a profession of how much he enjoys basking in the endorphins released after orgasm, and cuddling his lady to sleep. Aww, Wayne. Who knew you were such a sensitive thug?
"All your homegirls bad and they're our guest/Let 'em all in and I'll play chef/That's romance."
Actual Romanticness: 9/10
Now this is more like it. Sure, Wayne is always making food puns, and we've heard a lot about his long-held affinity for wining and dining women (though, ugh, he often doesn't mean that literally). So, we did a double take when we came upon this one. He's not cooking up a hit in the studio, or "eating," people; he is actually cooking. Like pot-and-pan-in-hand type shit. For a woman and her friends, no less. We could get used to this.
"I fucked you on the table, and that's romance."
Actual Romanticness: 7/10
Again, this depends on the woman. But we'd assume most women would enjoy the occasional romp outside the bedroom, particularly if it's after Wayne just cooked (and, cleaned the kitchen, like a good boy). We commend Lil' Tunechi for being game for a lil impromptu boning in the kitchen. Nothing says romance like, "I want you so bad I can't wait to walk five steps to the bedroom."
"We fuck a ho together, that's romance."
Actual Romanticness: 3/10
We don't know who Wayne is dating, but this seems like a far cry from what the average woman would consider romantic. In fact, even if it doesn't offend her, and she obliges his request, it seems like more of an effort on her end than his. We commend her for embracing her inner-freak in an effort to spice things up. But, you, sir, don't get the props. That's like patting yourself on the back for receiving oral sex. Who's doing who the favor here, really?