Inappropriate things can happen on massage tables. Swedish massages sometimes turn illicit in a matter of rubs...or tugs. Towels are tossed to the wind. Whether it's legal or not is another story entirely.
There's an elaborately coded language to describe these illegal liaisons. "Table shower" or "body work" are the most commonly used phrases to describe hand jobs and other eyebrow-raising acts. There are also hundreds of NSFW acronyms describing the far more specific things that can and do go down. This is deeper than happy endings. Just look at the sketchiest reviews of "massage parlors" on Yelp.
Inappropriate things can happen on massage tables. Swedish massages sometimes turn illicit in a matter of rubs...or tugs. Towels are tossed to the wind. Whether it's legal or not is another story entirely.
There's an elaborately coded language to describe these illegal liaisons. "Table shower" or "body work" are the most commonly used phrases to describe hand jobs and other eyebrow-raising acts. There are also hundreds of NSFW acronyms describing the far more specific things that can and do go down. This is deeper than happy endings. Just look at the sketchiest reviews of "massage parlors" on Yelp.
Starting the Day Right
Where: Heaven Spa
Address: 15 West 17th St., New York
Some people like Raisin Bran in the morning, others a bagel and lox. This guy just wants a stranger to jerk him off.
Tried It Myself
Where: Foot Massage - CCM Health
Address: 301 West Valley Blvd., San Gabriel, CA
Love the matter-of-factness in the last line. But it's probably not so underground anymore, huh, yelper?
Tiger Wasn't Into It?
Thinking About Baseball
Where: The Massage Plus Company
Address: 260 East Colorado Blvd., Pasadena, CA
That awkward moment when you're naked...and surprised about how it happened.
On the Table
Where: Oriental Angels
Address: 2600 W Sahara Ave., Las Vegas
So "BJ table" must be an intentional double entendre, right?
A Highly Recommended Tug
Where: Spa Sol
Address: 4 West 33rd St., New York
The way he sees it, unlicensed just means Bloomberg isn't placing a limit on his pleasure.
Shampoo for Your Body?
Where: Oriental Angels
Address: 2600 West Sahara Ave., Las Vegas
Was "descent massage" a reference to what happened while you were passed out, or a spelling error? We'll never know.
In Memory of Mike C.
Where: Yeah Man Spa
Address: 123 Allen St., New York
Mike C.'s review has been deleted, but we'll always have this to remember the day his dignity died.
How Many Os?
Where: Big Tree Spa
Address: 410 8th Ave., New York
You can hear the blue balls in his first sentence.
But Was It Fun?
Where: Chinese Gongfu Tui-Na
Address: 2939 Ditmars Blvd., New York
Daniel just dances around the issue? Did he feel violated? Did he have a good time? All the pervs trolling Yelp while at work are dying to know.
Till Human Groans Wake Us
Towels with holes? Heavy breathing? Groans? What happened to you, Aaron F.?
"You Want?"
Where: Tui-Na Chinese Massage
Address: 222 Lafayette St., New York
Was he so obviously your boyfriend? Did you talk about his PENIS loudly upon entering?
Like a Calcutta Orphan
Where: Asia-Tui-Na Wholeness
Address: 37 E 28th St, New York
That bears repeating: "like a Calcutta orphan."
This Yelp review will haunt us forever.
Quotation Marks Tell the Tale
Where: Spa Sol
Address: 4 West 33rd St., New York
But what's the difference between a "hand job" and a hand job?
A Giant Jar
Where: Spa Sol
Address: 4 West33rd St., New York
Maybe we've read too many of these now, but Vaseline can only mean one thing, really. Cracked heels are a myth.
Who Is Ruggy?
Where: Oriental Angels
Address: 2600 West Sahara Ave., Las Vegas
What if the same hand that stroked Eddie P. stroked Ruggy? Is it like in Timecop, where the they'll both explode instantly if they realize the truth?
How Many Quarts
Where: Fresh Spa! Chinese Tui-Na Acupressure Massage Bodywork
Address: 457 7th Ave., New York
Lil Kim and Sisqó had originally planned on recording a song together called "How Many Quarts" but then scrapped it in favor of "How Many Licks." As you can tell from the review above, only one of those titles will put bodies on the dance floor.
Never Again
You plan a trip to Foot Town, and think you've done everything right—except you didn't count on the creeper wanting a detour to Ass City.
