Image via Complex Original
So, you're moving in together? That's awesome. Unless you're treating the decision lightly, in which case, you're in for a world of uncomfortable surprises.
Combining your belongings is an exciting step in a relationship. It's also scary as hell. We're here to help walk you through the whole living under one roof thing so your relationship comes out unscathed and stronger for the experience. Take the leap successfully with our Gentleman's Guide to Moving in With Your Girlfriend.
By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
RELATED: Why I'd Rather Live with Rats Than Look for a New Apartment in NYC
Send your anonymous sex and dating questions to [email protected], and we'll answer them in our new advice column, 99 Problems.
Think long and hard before you make the move.
Before you sell your bean bag chair on Craigslist and buy $1000 worth of flimsy particle board furniture from IKEA, truly consider whether you’re ready to take this step together. Once you’ve made the leap, there is no un-leaping. The only time you're moving out after moving in is if you break up.
Also, should you break up: Figuring out who gets the apartment, and divvying up all the shit you bought together for it, is excruciating.
So, by all means, get a little introspective about whether you're ready to take the step at all, and encourage her to do the same.
Have an honest talk about where you stand financially.
Crappy credit, colossal student loans, piles of credit card bills? In order to understand what each of you can reasonably afford, you need to come clean about what you pull in and what you spend on a monthly basis. Figuring out your cash flow also plays a part in how you’ll divide day-to-day expenses and utility bills.
It might be awkward, especially for couples who aren't ordinarily open about their finances, but it's crucial to making a sound decision about your living situation. The last thing you want is to enter into a lease together on an apartment one or both of you can't afford, and end up struggling to pay rent. Or, worse yet, supporting your significant other.
Having a clear picture of one another's finances helps you make smart decisions, and saves you headaches down the line. Trust.
Assess your expectations.
If you decide, "Yes, I love this woman and I want to bask in her morning breath every morning, and order take out with her into the unforeseen future, and I know the weight of that decision," you should definitely check in with her and see if she's on the same page about what moving in means.
Do you see it as an exercise in mutual frugality, while she sees it as a step towards holy matrimony? If you can’t talk about your relationship and where it stands honestly, you’re probably not ready to move in together.
At the end of the day, whether you'd like it to or not, moving in makes your relationship far more serious. Moving in shouldn't be a step you take casually. It shouldn't be something you do solely because it's convenient, or financially practical, or because you have no other options. It should be something you enter into with full knowledge of its weight.
If you both know that, and are excited about taking the next step, you're ready. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.
Compromise on what you're looking for.
Looking for an apartment together is really fucking fun. It's also a lesson on the art of compromising.
She needs a walk-in closet; you can't live without a living room large enough to house all of your gaming systems. Looking for apartments, particularly in NYC, means that neither of you might get what you want, let alone both of you.
Meet in the middle and know the difference between what you need vs. what you want. You'll both know when you've found "the one" because it will be the place you both can agree on.
Be willing to part with some of your bachelor pad décor.
Unless you're a rare unicorn of a male specimen, you'll likely be less opinionated about the decor than she is. She'll probably take the lead on designing the place, having already watched months worth of HGTV and devoting several Pinterest boards to each room of the house. Be kind and flexible. Assert your opinions, but be prepared to cave to her just for the sake of maintaining your sanity.
Again, compromising is key. Your 300-strong video game stash can come with, but don't expect her to be cool with keeping your beer bottle collection. She won't care that you've been working on it since college. Those rare lambics are going in the trash.
Maintain your independence.
There are no “nights off” anymore, so each of you needs to make an extra effort to take “me time” and spend time with your friends. Don't become that weird hermit couple that only hangs out with each other. Your friends will laugh about you being on lockdown behind your back.
Make a concerted effort to do your own thing on the regular. Be respectful of how she likes to spend her time, even if it’s something you don’t enjoy. If she wants to read for three hours, instead of getting upset you can’t do something together, happily use the time to pursue your own hobbies.
Leave the apartment. Give her a chance to miss you. Keep being the interesting, self-sufficient person who attracted her in the first place, and this whole living together thing will work out just fine.
Clean up after your damn self.
Putting down the toilet seat is a given. You don't get a pat on the back for that. You also have to pick up your socks, your dirty towel, and occasionally put things in the closet.
Or, you can toss your shit wherever you want and have an enraged woman on your hands. Your choice, bro.
Divvy up responsibilities around the house.
If you say anything about a woman’s place being in the kitchen, we'll slap you for her. No, seriously, moving in with her doesn't mean she instantly takes on the role of your mother.
Share all responsibilities. Figure out who does what based on preference, not assumed gender roles. She’d rather take out the garbage than vacuum? You like to cook but hate doing dishes? Figure out what makes sense, and be appreciative of one another's efforts.
Don't let it all hang out.
It’s not that she’ll love you less if you’re passing gas and chillin' on the couch Al Bundy style. She won’t. She just won’t see you as the mystical sexual beast she once thought you were. Don’t you want to keep the dream alive?
Don't stop going on dates.
While you’re at it, take her out on dates. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can slack on the romance just because you're roomies now. Actually, the opposite is the case.
Now that you're hanging out a helluvalot more often, you need to put extra effort into making things feel special and sexy (rather than boring and too comfortable).
It can be tempting to do the Seamless and Netflix thing every night, but that will drain your relationship's spark. Make dinner for her, or clean the apartment just because, sure. But also make sure you make a grand gesture or two every once in awhile. It will be the difference between having a roommate you just get along with, and a lover who still genuinely excites you.
