The 10 Craziest Wal-Mart Crimes of 2011

The aisles of Wal-Mart were a veritable hotbed for criminal activity in 2011, with dozens of alarmingly stupid decisions made in the super-store this calendar year alone.

Maybe it's the reverse-sticker-shock that springs from deep discounts, the riot-inspiring consumerism, or the 24/7 hours of operation. Or maybe it's just the availability of shotguns, fishing poles and beef jerky in one place that sends customers into a blind, criminal rage. We really can't say. We can only show you what happened.

Here are the 10 craziest Wal-Mart crimes of 2011.

RELATED: The 30 Funniest People of Walmart

Where: Elkton, Maryland
When: April 2011

On the eve of April Fool's day, even the most ordinary events become infused with fear and doubt. An Elkton man found this out the hard way when he went about his, err, business in a local Wal-Mart bathroom and ended up in a very sticky situation. As in, his ass was super-glued to the toilet, thanks to the work of a cruel prankster.

The 48-year-old victim was forced to call the police, who spent 15 minutes in the restroom trying to remove him from the toilet seat. Unsuccessful, they were forced to take the man, seat still glued to his butt, to the hospital. The seat was removed and left the victim with only minor injuries, but the embarrassment of being found pants-down, glued to a Wal-Mart toilet? That shit will last forever.

Where: Prescott, Arizona
When: September 2011

Getting a sex change is costly these days; you cannot get new equipment on Wal-Mart wages alone. This prompted employee Spencer Cullen (left) to take some desperate measures. The 23-year-old, along with the help of 19-year-old Adriano Altiveros, decided to rob the super-store to fund the operation, stealing $45,000 in cash from the office lock-box.

Post-robbery, the duo split the cash: Altiveros used $22,000 to buy a Toyota Supra (really, dude?), and Cullen intended to use the money towards a long-sought-after gender swap. We feel for Cullen, especially if he/she is the victim of gender-identity disorder, but wouldn't a savings account (and a well-stuffed sock in the interim) been the smarter move? And seriously, who buys a Supra with stolen loot?

Where: Palm Bay, Florida
When: May 2011

Many of us take issue with American consumerism, but typically we express our animosity via tweet-jabs at shoppers rioting over waffle irons, and LOL-ing at sneaker stampedes. But a 21-year-old Saudi woman took her distaste for America's obsession with deals way too far, and was arrested for spitting on shoppers at her local Wal-Mart.

Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi claimed she spat on customers because "Americans are pushing us around" and described her motivations as ethnically-based, a hate crime which elevated her dirty deed to a felony. We've all felt disgusted by the people of Wal-Mart, but clearly Al-Doaifi's racially-motivated deed was something different and far more disgusting.

Where: Waldorf, Maryland
When: December 2011

Participating in the long tradition of impressively stupid criminals, Timothy Randall Clark decided it would be an intelligent move to shoplift during "Shop With A Cop" day.

Unaware of a community program that had brought over 50 cops into Wal-Mart that day, Clark shoved 26 PlayStation and Xbox games and several other gaming accessories into his pants and sweatshirt, and was quickly nabbed by police. We would dwell on his blatant bad luck for several more sentences, but we're still in amazement that he could fit that many games inside his pants! Has anyone alerted Guinness? We just might have a record on our hands!

Where: Balitmore, Maryland
When: October 2011

Two Baltimore women had a fight that came to bleach, not blows, in their local Wal-Mart. Theresa Monique Jefferson followed a women into the store and threw the first thing she could find at her. Unfortunately for the victim, that thing happened to be bleach and Pine-Sol.

Nineteen innocent bystanders were also injured to the point of hospitalization in the chemical scuffle, and the store was subsequently shut down. During the investigation, police learned that the bizarre cleaning product catastrophe was the result of a long-strained relationship between the victim and Jefferson, who shared a child with the victim's boyfriend. Just another case of baby mama drama. Hang your head in shame.

Where: Columbus, Ohio
When: April 2011

Ralph Conone, 68, managed to single-handedly overturn our long-held image of the good-hearted Grandpa when he was arrested for assaulting children in his local Wal-Mart. Conone was seen on the store's surveillance video randomly punching four children in the head with a key lodged in between his fingers.

Conone was approached by the mother of one of the children, who dragged the elderly man back into the store and reported him to the police. When asked about his motivation for, Conone, who is reportedly manic-depressive, said he did it for "the thrill of knowing he was punching them with their parents only feet away." Thankfully, this depraved gray-hair has since been banned from all Wal-Marts, so suiting up your children with helmets before shopping is no longer a necessity.

Where: Mount Dora, Florida
When: August 2011

A family of five was found living in the trash-stuffed 1987 Cadillac Deville (pictured above), which was parked in a Florida Wal-Mart for several days. The parents, 31-year-old Hamilton and 26-year-old Kristin Harris were arrested for child neglect after allowing their three children to live in the car alongside chicken bones, sour milk, and other assorted garbage. The youngest child was only 1 years old.

Illegal perscription drugs and a bottle of Patrón were also found in the car, removing any last hope police had that the Harrises were fit to be parents. We hope the Harris family cleans up their act (and their car) so that they can reunite with their children.

Where: Tulsa, Oklahoma
When: December 2011

Wal-Mart is the ideal place for many things. Finding deals on electronics, for instance. But 42-year-old Tulsa woman Alisha Greta Halfmoon decided Wal-Mart was the ideal place for something even more exciting.

The industrious drug addict spent six hours in the store gathering chemicals in an attempt to make methamphetamine before cops scooped her up. Yes, six hours. Walter White would've cooked that up in half the time.

Where: Houston, Texas
When: July 2011

Stealing beer is a rite of passage for suburban teenagers. But in the mind of the roof-stomping Texas woman pictured above, beer thievery is not something to be taken lightly.

The appropriately-named Monique Lawless was shopping in Wal-Mart when she saw three men take off with several cases of beer without paying. Rather than look the other way or alert security, Lawless took the law into her own hands, chasing after the beer-bandits before jumping on the hood of their car and throwing open the driver's-side door in attempt to thwart the criminals.

The crime—stealing beer from Wal-Mart—is unimpressive in and of itself, but the method of their apprehension, especially considering that the 42-year-old mother weighed a mere 125 pounds, is absolutely insane. Risking your life for three cases of stolen beer? That shit cray.

Where: Porter Ranch, California
When: November 2011

The inherent dangers of Black Friday shopping excursions are well-documented, particularly at Wal-Mart. Remember that Long Island Wal-Mart employee who got crushed under the feet of hundreds of Black Friday shoppers in a fatal stampede a couple years back?

Well, one shopper did, and she prepared herself for shopping combat accordingly with a can of pepper spray. When an employee brought out a crate of discounted Xbox consoles, she let everyone in on her plan of attack by spraying over 20 shoppers in a desperate grab for deals. For the shoppers left with burned retinas, take consolation in the fact that she'll never know another guilt-free round of Call of Duty.