"Catfish" Changes the Way You'll See Lambs and Bow Wow Forever (Season 2, Episode 14)

As often as I question whether or not MTV’s Catfish can survive the long haul, there are episodes like the one that aired last night that remind me that maybe, just maybe, this show has another season or three left in the thank. Because people are gullible as hell. And they don’t read. Nor do they employ logic. And again, they don’t read, never bother to play with their gift of discernment, and are so thirsty for love that not a free lifetime membership to Sparkletts could save them.

Thank you, Keyonnah and Bow Wow for providing a very entertaining reality check. Oh, and Keyonnah, as we say in the South, “Bless your heart.” Yes, bless it.

Written by Michael Arceneaux (@youngsinick

Max and Nev laugh at Keyonnah’s letter about her online courtship with Bow Wow within seconds of reading it—all but confirming that we are in for quite the mess of a show. Keyonnah wrote a message to Bow Wow on Facebook and he responded with a subject that included his government name. Yeah, all of Bow Wow’s stans have known his real name before he even hit puberty, so that would be unnecessary. In any event, he sends her $10,000, which piques the interest of Nev. Nev knows good and well this isn’t Bow Wow, but he forces himself into believing in the possibilities in order to make 40 minutes of worthwhile television. Now, Keyonnah works at McDonald’s and says she “models” part-time. Bow Wow is supposed to help her reach her dream, which completes the trifecta of hood clichés.

Again, bless her heart, but you met a celebrity via Facebook? In 2013? I thought everyone knew at this point that if you’re going to bed a celeb by way of social media, you do so through Instagram and/or Twitter DM. Duh. By the way, the Facebook page she “met” him on has since been deleted. Want to know why, Keyonnah? Facebook realized an imposter ran it.

Also, does no one read TMZ? There have been plenty of reports of money woes for Bow Wow. The court system would chokeslam Shad Moss if it was discovered that he was just giving away that kind of money to strangers who didn’t carry his seed.

While on what looks like a date at a yogurt shop (kidding, guys), Batman and Robin turn to Google to find out information about Bow Wow, who they clearly know nothing about beyond his stage name. In their defense, Bow Wow hasn’t had a hit song in years and those two aren’t exactly the 106 & Park demo.

After learning the basics about the rapper, they turn to their MTV colleague to find out whether or not the person who delivered Keyonnah the money—“Larry Brown”—is indeed Bow Wow’s assistant. She tells them no, but you know what, guys? When you Google “Bow Wow assistant,” it immediately feels out the guy’s name for you. It’s Ant, not Larry Brown. In fact, a tweet from Bow Wow himself will come up at the top of the search. Try that in the future and save the company some minutes on the cell phone plan.

Even after being called out for not being Jermaine Dupri’s former cash cow, the liar is adamant about keeping character. At one point, Fake Wow texts back, “You’re right, I’m not Bow Wow. I’m Shad Moss.” Like, run into a wall already, why don’t you? And yet, halfway through the episode, Nev maintains that this liar could very well be Bow Wow.

Of course, it’s not. Bow Wow turns out to be a person named Dee, or Dee Pimpen, as she likes to be called. She is what the kids (snap in a circle, three times) would call a stud, although the label that matters most right now is liar. Like many of the other ones before her, Dee Pimpen immediately goes into a rant about how, despite lying to Keyonnah the entire time, she’d like to move forward and have an honest relationship.

Keyonnah says she’s straight while Max asks Dee Pimpen why would she create a fake Bow Wow fan page to meet straight girls. Dee Pimpen responds: “I like a challenge.” Yes, she’s one of those. Insert the loudest sigh here. Keyonnah walks away, but Max sticks around to ask Dee Pimpen about how she “passes” as a gay. As in, when women start to feel you up, don’t they notice something missing? Enter Dee Pimpen’s revelation that she is constantly wearing a lambskin dildo. Let her tell it, it’s the perfect tool to fool a woman into thinking she’s touching a real penis. Consider me officially traumatized.

In the follow-up interview, Keyonnah meets with Dee Pimpen and her cousin, Fred, who turns out to be the man Keyonnah spoke to on the phone throughout the online courtship. The conversation turns to Dee Pimpen’s source of income. Despite claims that she “makes money from music,” Dee Pimpen explains that people—girls, family, and other girls—“support her” and give her money, which she gives to other people like Keyonnah. Something in the milk ain’t clean, but this is Catfish, not Luther or New York Undercover, so I’ll stop here.

Despite being outed as a fake, Dee Pimpen never wavers when trying to woo Keyonnah her way. Based on Dee Pimpen’s tweets, that’s not surprising. Sample tweet: “I hit so many different hoees shid if mi ni55a dnt hit on hit an it be mi bih lol." My eyes hurt so badly now.