15 Signs It's Time to Delete Your Facebook

No one needs to know what you ate and where it ended up three days later. Or who you screwed in which positions using a specific brand of condom. We don't need to hear about your co-workers everyday or your relationship drama. The same can be said of all the mundane thoughts that exists within the hallow halls of your mind. Shut up already.

Evidently, if you've allowed your Facebook page to become a victim of spam you're not exactly an avid user. Then again, maybe you're just click-happy and gullible. Actually, who cares because what matters most is getting your "shoe deal" offers off my profile.

Just like those who go above and beyond to inspire, if everyday your feed looks like you're impersonating Debbie Downer, you've got to reevaluate some things ... offline. Yes, things get rough, and of course, depression can be overwhelming. Still, Iyanla will fix your life much sooner the second you decide to end it all—on Facebook.

As trying as these volatile times remain, if people wanted to get encouragement from Jesus, Allah, young Yahweh, or Tom Cruise's BFF, they would go directly to the source. Every now and then is fine, but if you're that preachy, go to the seminary. Oh, and y'all really have got to stop re-purposing the "wisdom" that came with your order of sesame chicken.

Early one Sunday morning I logged onto Facebook and the very first thing I saw on my homepage was a shot of an erect penis, uploaded by an old classmate from high school undoubtedly furious that her boyfriend was screwing around. If your dick is on Facebook, you've got to ditch the site. Don't argue, just delete.

So this one is tricky. On one end, maybe your family tree has long been burned to the ground, which is why you choose not to pay them any mind. On the other hand, you might be one of those obsessive fans who lives, breathes, and stalks the artist you work your iTunes to death over—which, sadly, is why you don't know your cousin really needs you to respond to his bone marrow transfer request. If you're the latter, you now know what to do.

So I get it, you're a loving friend and potential guardian in case the unfortunate happens. Cute for you, but you're the reason why everyone praises Mark Zuckerberg, the most high, for adding that "unsubscribe from feed" option. Never stop loving those kids, but yo, go read something.

Facebook is intent on making it as difficult as humanly possible for you to avoid all of the people you can't stand. There's a better way, though. They're called Twitter and Instagram.

Look here, as hard as it sounds, you've got to let go of that crush from ninth grade Biology. She's gone and she's never coming back. In fact, if she found out you spend the majority of the time communicating via keyboard, she'd delete you and report you. Socially awkward and/or inept or not, you can find help if you go outside.

Perhaps you're auntie didn't look through her good eye and confused you with some other young person she's playing the Tameka Raymond to his Usher with before hitting "poke." Or quite possibly, she's using Facebook to passively aggressively remind you that you owe her some money. Whatever the case, your aunt is poking you on Facebook, dude. That ain't right.

When my mom told me she was finally going to join Facebook, I did what any good son would do: I told her if she tried to add me I'd decline her request and pretend it never happened. Two years later, she ultimately punked me into adding her, but she only got limited profile action and couldn't tag me in any embarrassing photos. If you're mad about that photo of you using the potty for the first time appearing on your profile page, that's your bad. You knew the risks and didn't prepare—so you've got to let your mom have Facebook and pray MySpace really does make a comeback.

It's lonely out there when all your true friends, the ones you actually met in real life, abandoned Facebook years ago. Time to jump ship, dude.

Many of us are guilty of this. We complain and complain about all of the changes to Facebook, the ever increasing invasions of privacy, and the reality that so many people we never liked have nearly free reign to keep nagging us. But you know, if you really hated Facebook, you'd prove it already.

Anyone who still bothers to poke people on Facebook are longing for the days when the site was just a simple place for people with college-issued email accounts to interact, flirt, and feel each other out. That was so five years ago (at least), though. Stop it already, creep.