None
Bad news, fans of rote comedy: The Hangover Part III is lazier than expected, a starry cash-grab bereft of anything resembling a genuine laugh or an original thought.
Before anyone tries to use Todd Phillips' latest to totally write off the concept of Hollywood sequels, though, keep in mind that last weekend's big debut, Star Trek Into Darkness, has enough going for it to earn a recommendation. In the movie industry, follow-ups are, for the most part, inevitable once a film becomes a box office success—it's an unavoidable evil that can, at times, produce memorable films. Cases in point: The Godfather Part II, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Aliens, The Dark Knight, and Spider-Man 2.
Then again, for every X2: X-Men United, there's a Taken 2. Often, everything that made the first movie so special gets deleted in favor of brainless self-indulgence or, even worse, demonstrations of ham-fisted filmmakers operating without any new ideas. Want to see how truly awful it can get? Have a look at the 50 worst sequels of all time, limited to direct follow-ups. The Hangover Part III is safe.
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Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)
50. Clerks 2 (2006)
Director: Kevin Smith
Stars: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Rosario Dawson, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith
Back in 1994, Kevin Smith's lo-fi directorial debut Clerks shook up the independent film market with its seemingly no-budget production values, naturalistic conversations, and lifelike pace. Nothing about the black-and-white comedy seemed familiar, and especially not typical of Hollywood's usual funny-movie clichés. You know, the kinds of genre rehashes that Smith littered throughout the utterly conventional Clerks 2.
While it adheres to Smith's popular formula of potty-mouth jokes and nerdy pop culture references, this mediocre sequel feels like a dirtier-than-usual romantic comedy starring amateurish actors and an out-of-place Rosario Dawson. Clerks 2 falls somewhere between Smith's older crassness and later sensitivity, ultimately showcasing his underlying insecurities as a filmmaker at the time. To indulge in poop jokes or to favor mushiness? Unable to center upon one or the other, Clerks 2 merely shits the bed.
49. Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)
Director: Jerry Paris
Stars: Steve Guttenberg, Bubba Smith, David Graf, Michael Winslow, Marion Ramsey, Colleen Camp, Howard Hesseman
Our gripes with this otherwise harmless comedy are purely of the frustrated horndog variety. Aside from being a pleasantly goofy send-up of the cop movie genre, 1984's Police Academy also mined tons of good sexual humor out of its two bombshell co-stars, Kim Cattrall and Leslie Easterbrook. Unfortunately, both of those busty blondes are M.I.A. in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment.
What the film lacks in sex appeal is made up for in an overbearing villain, played by the ever-manic Bobcat Goldthwait. Which, obviously, is a poor substitute. Would you rather eye-fuck gorgeous women or have an overexcited man-child scream in your ear? That's a no-brainer.
48. Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (1992)
Director: Randal Kleiser
Stars: Rick Moranis, Marcia Strassman, Robert Oliveri, John Shea, Lloyd Bridges, Keri Russell
Rick Moranis couldn't have been that hard up for money back in 1992, right? You'd think not, but there's really no other justification for Honey! I Blew Up the Kid, the follow-up to 1989's entertaining kids' flick Honey! I Shrunk the Kids that no one except Moranis' financial advisors wanted.
Not that the '89 film is some piece of high-art genius, but it certainly has better characters and more imagination than most destined-for-ABC-Family productions; Honey! I Blew Up the Kid, on the other hand, sticks to its infant-as-Godzilla shtick like bugs on a windshield, forgoing any story development and, most importantly, any fun.
You'll wish a bullying Son of Kong would show up and give the gargantuan rugrat a wedgie. Or just swat the cast and crew away like flies.
47. Taken 2 (2012)
Director: Olivier Megaton
Stars: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Rade Serbedzija
Two years ago, we ranked The Hangover Part II as 2011's worst movie. Though it's not as terrible as the Wolf Pack's infuriatingly lazy second go-round, Taken 2 exists in a similar terrain of smelly sequels, especially since, thanks to sheep-like audiences, it pulled in nearly $140 million domestically. And how much did Liam Neeson's exceptional early 2012 film The Grey make? A respectable but too low (when compared to Taken 2, mind you) $52 million. Once again, there's no justice in this world.
Moviegoers would much rather see Neeson phone it in, which perfectly describes Taken 2 as a whole. Whereas the first one reveled in its excessive action and rampant ass-kicking, the strangely toned down follow-up displays none of its predecessor's imaginative carnage. Neeson punches a few dudes, shoots a couple others, and gets into one decently choreographed brawl with a baddie before saving the day and eating ice cream with his boring family. Cha-ching!
46. Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Director: Richard Fleischer
Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Olivia d'Abo, Mako, Pat Roach
Arnold Schwarzenegger proved his macho-man excellence in 1982's Conan the Barbarian, a brutal fantasy/action pic with excessive bloodshed and enhanced testosterone. Playing the titular hero, the future Governator created an ass-kicker extraordinaire primed for more cinematic adventures.
For Conan the Destroyer, however, director Richard Fleischer, taking over for Barbarian overseer John Milius, opted for a lighter, and negatively sillier, tone. Look no further than the casting of NBA titan Wilt Chamberlain as one of the film's antagonists, or a scene in which Conan punches a horse in the face, or the moment when a camel spits white goo all over Conan that doesn't look unlike man-juice. Take your pick.
45. Young Guns II (1990)
Director: Geoff Murphy
Stars: Emilio Estevez, Keifer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Phillips, Christian Slater, William Petersen, Alan Ruck, James Coburn, Balthazar Getty, Viggo Mortensen
You know how horror purists scoff at the entire Twilight franchise? Well, we're guessing that's pretty much how old-school Western lovers felt in 1998 when Young Guns premiered. Sergio Leone by way of Tiger Beat, the ensemble gunslinger pic starred a bunch of late '80s heartthrobs (including Kiefer Sutherland, Christian Slater, and Charlie Sheen) and presented a glossier version of those vintage Clint Eastwood flicks.
Passable, if not indubitably shallow, Young Guns at least didn't embarrass itself; the same can't be said for the sequel, however, which found ways to make the first movie's problematic script seem like a masterwork that the late, and great, Sam Peckinpah would've approved.
More so than in Young Guns, the actors look like a crew of pretty boys playing dress-up on a set that touches all of the Western genre's anticipated visual cues (a saloon, a whorehouse). In the end, cowpokes, that's just shootin' blanks
44. The Sting II (1983)
Director: Jeremy Kagan
Stars: Jackie Gleason, Mac Davis, Teri Garr, Karl Malden, Oliver Reed
A movie that features Robert Redford and Paul Newman hamming it up and going charm-for-charm is about as foolproof as cinema gets, and 1973's classic con artist romp The Sting is sufficient evidence. Unless the producers somehow corralled Marlon Brando and Sir Laurence Olivier, a sequel without Redford and Newman would be inferior before the cameras even started to roll.
Perhaps realizing that such a follow-up was doomed from the get-go, the filmmakers behind The Sting II, apparently unable to resist the urge to waste money, crafted a far lesser version of the same con-men-unite premise; unsurprisingly, nobody cared back in 1983, and no one gives a what today. Hell, we couldn't even find a trailer for this dud anywhere online.
43. The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)
Director: Ed-Gass Donnelly
Stars: Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, Muse Watson, Louis Herthum
Judged within the recent onslaught of found-footage horror films, 2010's financially successful The Last Exorcism is one of the better ones, anchored by a compelling character (a self-aware, fugazi exorcist), pushed along by solid performances, and totally going for it with an out-of-nowhere finale that's as divisive as it is insane. Stronger than, frankly, it had any right to be, The Last Exorcism exceeded expectations and slightly rejuvenated horror's demonic possession sub-genre.
No, it didn't need a sequel, but, of course, money talks. Hoping to churn a few more dollars out of non-discerning audiences, the original production team abandoned the first-person POV aesthetic, brought in a new director (replacing Daniel Stamm with Ed Gass-Donnelly), switched the focus to the first movie's victim, Nell (the impressive Ashley Bell), and drained all energy, intelligence, and creativity out of the 2009 movie.
The follies run rampant. Of least important, though still annoying: In Nell's visions of her dead father, pops inexplicably has a beard, despite not having one in life. Of much greater significance: Predictable jump scares, lifeless side characters dying without any emotional impact, and an admirably downbeat ending that's ruined by awful CGI.
42. Weekend at Bernie's II (1993)
Director: Robert Klane
Stars: Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman, Terry Kiser, Barry Bostwick, Troy Bailey
As if the concept behind 1989's Weekend at Bernie's wasn't ludicrous enough. Four years after the shamefully funny dead-guy-seems-alive comedy, all of the original actors returned for the standard paycheck sequel; only for the second go-round, they were too clever for their own good.
Gone are all of the physical comedy bits involving two dumbasses (Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman) propping up a corpse to give off the impression that the stiff is alive; in place of the physical creativity, however, is a voodoo subplot that causes the flat-lined Bernie to walk toward a treasure whenever the dead man hears music.
Weekend at Bernie's 2 ends with the lively corpse riding on the back of a shark, into the sunset and out of the pop culture conscience. Where he (or it?) should remain from here on out.
41. U.S. Marshals (1998)
Director: Stuart Baird
Stars: Tommy Lee Jones, Wesley Snipes, Robert Downey, Jr., Joe Pantoliano
Though 1993's The Fugitive was sold as Harrison Ford's movie, it really belonged to his co-star Tommy Lee Jones. As the steadfast deputy hot on Ford's heels, Jones filled the character with more than enough personality to turn the tired "hard-nosed authority figure" stock role into a fleshed-out and sympathetic antihero.
So it made sense to focus a sequel on his character and not Ford's; in fact, it was pretty ingenious. That is, until the team behind U.S. Marshals decided to turn his character, Sam Girard, into a indistinguishable action hero. Alongside Wesley Snipes, Jones does nothing but run, jump, and shoot in the midst of one frantic explosion and near-death event after another.
Fifty-two years old at the time, Jones doesn't look a day over 51 years old throughout the physically grueling yet emotionally catatonic U.S. Marshals.
40. Next Friday (2000)
Director: Steve Carr
Stars: Ice Cube, Mike Epps, John Witherspoon, Jacob Vargas, Clifton Powell, Kym Whitley, Tamala Jones, Lisa Rodriguez, Tommy Lister, Jr., Sticky Fingaz
As great of films as they are, Boyz N the Hood (1991) and Menace II Society (1993) only showed the violent and darker aspects of inner city Los Angeles life. Pasty and crotchety film critics from the suburbs and upper-class America were enlightened, sure, but they weren't exactly ready to cop a plane ticket and sightsee around Slauson Avenue.
But then director F. Gary Gray and stars Ice Cube and Chris Tucker earned rave reviews and belly laughs with 1995's Friday, an intelligent hood comedy that found ways to be smartly funny as well as socially aware. Those privileged critics finally had reason to want to party with South Central folks.
Well, until they got a load of the dim-witted 2000 sequel Next Friday. Many Friday lovers will cite Tucker's absence as the movie's biggest fault, but that's actually giving Mr. Rush Hour way too much credit. Mike Epps might be a B-level comedian, but he's not to blame when the script overdoses in racial stereotypes and unimaginative crudeness. Where are Doughboy and O-Dog when you need them?
39. The Fly II (1989)
Director: Chris Walas
Stars: Eric Stoltz, Daphne Zuniga, Lee Richardson
David Cronenberg's remake of the campy 1958 sci-fi flick The Fly has yet to lose any of its emotional or, more importantly, gross-out power. The 1986 gem features a plethora of repulsive makeup effects, including a dude's arm being snapped in half after a vicious arm wrestling bout and the increasingly horrific sight of a guy slowly morphing into a human-sized bug.
Too bad Hollywood couldn't leave well enough alone. Three years after Cronenberg's film sickened audiences (in a great way), The Fly II upped the ante with more elaborate gore, but, unfortunately, virtually no dramatic impact. Eric Stoltz plays the son of Goldblum's character who's also experiencing bugged-out physical abnormalities. Save for a few choice moments of ridiculous carnage (i.e., a dude's head popping as an elevator crushes it), The Fly II has deservedly made critics and horror fans wish there was a swatter powerful enough to wipe shitty movies out of existence.
38. The X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008)
Director: Chris Carter
Stars: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Billy Connolly, Amanda Peet, Xzibit, Mitch Pileggi
In its prime, The X-Files was television's creepiest and most daring show, exploring supernatural and extraterrestrial themes at a time when TV was cop shows, lawyer dramas, and medical soap operas; think Fringe in more recent years. Seven years after the long-running Fox hit ended, and eleven years after the first movie offshoot, fans wanted to know what exactly happened to agents Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson), and series creator Chris Carter was more than happy to answer.
Some questions are best left untouched. Directed and co-written by Carter, The X-Files: I Want to Believe is unbelievably lackluster, forgetting about the show's otherworldly concepts and reducing the Mulder-and-Scully show to an uninteresting cop tale. Xzibit aims to be taken seriously as a FBI agent (Spoiler alert: He's totally miscast), while Duchovny and Anderson seem as underwhelmed by Carter's seven-years-in-the-making resolution as its aggravated fans.
The X-Files: I Want to Believe is a mediocre episode imprudently stretched out into a nearly two-hour strain of tolerance. You'll want to believe that it's a hoax.
37. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
Director: Oliver Stone
Stars: Michael Douglas, Shia LaBeouf, Josh Brolin, Carey Mulligan, Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon
Typically, when a sequel takes over twenty years to make, the question "Why bother?" looms over the finished product. In the case of Oliver Stone's Wall Street sequel, however, it's just the opposite; released last year in the heat of our country's economic collapse, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps was perhaps the timeliest movie sequel of all time. And with a solid cast, including returning antihero Michael Douglas and newcomers Shia LaBeouf and Josh Brolin, the talent was in place to fully capitalize on form-fitting current events.
So why the hell is Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps a relationship drama instead of a caustic indictment of real-life businesses? Stone, usually a filmmaker who's quick to attack the status quo, annoyingly skirts around the social themes, focusing more on LaBeouf's character's inner turmoil and banking on Douglas' slimy Gordon Gekko to charm the audience's collective pants off.
With so many fascinating and powerful documentaries about the Wall Street crisis having seen release over the past two years, Money Never Sleeps feels curiously late to the party. Had Stone gone for corrupt financial types' throats, this could've been a fictional rallying cry; sadly, it feels even more perfunctory than political coverage on Access Hollywood.
36. Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Director: John Boorman
Stars: Linda Blair, Richard Burton, Louise Fletcher, Max von Sydow, Kitty Winn, Ned Beatty, James Earl Jones
Exorcist II: The Heretic is one of those failures that's tough to completely hate, filled to the brim with one batshit crazy idea after another. Looked at individually, the ideas in William Goodhart's insane script are pretty intriguing, and could've worked if they weren't all mashed together. As it stands, though, this tonally inconsistent follow-up to one of horror's crowning achievement, 1973's The Exorcist, is a certifiable clusterfuck.
The first movie's little possessed girl—played by Linda Blair, grown up and cute as hell—is now a psychiatric patient who routinely undergoes hypnosis. As the movie flies off the rails, a priest's brain waves are somehow linked to hers, swarms of locusts attack people, hearts are ripped out of chests, and a chick sets herself on fire.
None of it is scary, or even comprehensible, but at least Exorcist II: The Heretic tried for bigger things. Though, its widespread failings are that much grander in the process.
35. Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)
Director: Brian Gibson
Stars: JoBeth Williams, Craig T. Nelson, Heather O'Rourke, Oliver Robbins, Zelda Rubinstein, Julian Beck
The first red flag that should've scared audiences away from the pointless Poltergeist II: The Other Side was the fact that Steven Spielberg, the most notable original producer, had nothing to do with it. He was understandably too busy working on movies that didn't totally suck and serve purposes other than earning bucks on the original's positive name.
It seems fair to think that Spielberg's involvement could've given this unimaginative sequel some legs. As it stands, though, The Other Side hits the same scare-beats as its predecessor, achieving an unfortunate sense of repetition (same family being haunted in similar ways) before devolving into a finale complete with cheesy visuals and a lightweight all-is-well resolution. Once Spielberg's check cleared, we're sure he couldn't have given a shit less.
34. Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)
Director: William A. Graham
Stars: Milla Jovovich, Brian Krause, Lisa Pelikan
Responsible for many sexual awakenings back in 1980, The Blue Lagoon stimulated teenage boys and ruffled parents' feathers with its liberal use of teen nudity (We still see you, young Brooke Shields) and overt sexuality. Eleven years later, however, the provocative themes exercised in that movie weren't quite as taboo anymore, yet that didn't stop Hollywood from diving back in with an unconnected sequel.
Milla Jovovich was hot and all, but that wasn't enough to justify this unrequested bore. We've seen episodes of The View that are sexier than Return to the Blue Lagoon, a neutered PG-13 flick that's afraid to push any anti-smut buttons. And, as a result, doesn't even tease enough to induce light-blue balls.
33. The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
Director: Steven Spielberg
Stars: Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Arliss Howard, Pete Postlethwaite, Richard Attenborough, Vince Vaughn, Vanessa Lee Chester
When Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park premiered in 1993, viewers gasped with pure awe at the awesome-looking dinosaurs and technical grandeur. Not only were there kick-ass dinos on a big screen, but they looked incredibly real.
By the time Spielberg revisited the well for this tedious sequel, though, the astonishment had worn off; no longer could his and effects designer Stan Winston's dinosaurs carry an entire movie on wide-eyed wonderment alone. But that's what they seemed to be banking on; The Lost World: Jurassic Park features more dinosaurs yet also less excitement and a clunkier story, a watch-the-clock slog not helped by bringing the irritatingly smug Jeff Goldblum back as the sequel's leading man.
If only animatronic dinosaurs had the power to demand script rewrites.
32. Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)
Director: Bill Condon
Stars: Tony Todd, Kelly Rowan, Bill Nunn, Veronica Cartwright, William O'Leary
The original Candyman, a mature and deeply disturbing adaptation of Clive Barker's short story "The Forbidden," is one of the more underrated horror movies of the last twenty years. With a nicely acted villain (played by genre icon Tony Todd), an eerie Gothic tone, and an underlying sensuality that's discomforting, it's the rare horror flick that's scary on a profound level.
Unlike this low-grade sequel, which liberally pulls from horror's proverbial bag of clichés. Todd's back in action, yet his equally solid performance here is undermined by an incessant amount of fake jump scares; as in the genre's shittiest films, both cats and booming soundtrack cues are used as lazy "Gotcha!" bait.
An origin story about Candyman's pre-boogeyman days, Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh should've been the movie that put Todd's name in the conversation of big-deal casting directors. The fact that he's still making straight-to-DVD C-movies should say it all.
31. The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)
Director: David Twohy
Stars: Vin Diesel, Thandie Newton, Judi Dench, Colm Feore, Karl Urban, Alexa Davalos, Keith David
One can't fault director David Twohy for approaching The Chronicles of Riddick with such lofty ambitions. As a follow-up to the 2000 sleeper hit Pitch Black, it's a lavish, overblown, and blatantly epic-in-scale space opera that discards all of its predecessor's subtleties for a checklist of summer blockbuster traits.
In his overzealous attempt to create a new sci-fi icon in Vin Diesel's intergalactic ex-con Riddick, Twohy ignored everything that made Pitch Black work, such as minimalist sets and patient tension. The Chronicles of Riddick is the world's most confusing and dull graphic novel never written brought to life, with expensive costumes and a vast digital landscape that's somewhat impressive from a design standpoint.
Sadly, as a potential genre mainstay, Diesel's Riddick is a non-starter. The character is too steely for his own good, relying on Diesel's imposing presence to compensate for shitty dialogue and emotive failures.
30. XXX: State of the Union (2005)
Director: Lee Tamahori
Stars: Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson, Xzibit, Willem Dafoe, Scott Speedman, Nona Gaye, Sunny Mabrey
Watching Vin Diesel in the 2002, James-Bond-on-steroids hit XXX, it's easy to accept him as an action hero. Muscle-bound and ineloquent, much like the Arnold Schwarzenegger of old, Diesel might not have turned in a performance of any dramatic heft, but at least he looked convincing while kicking ass and diving away from explosions.
When it came time for the unavoidable sequel, though, the actor refused to sign on unless XXX director Rob Cohen also returned. He didn't, so neither did Diesel. In their places: an out-of-shape Ice Cube and director Lee Tamahori, who three years prior had shot the underwhelming 007 flick Die Another Day.
While Tamahori's overly frantic direction is certainly worthy of scorn, it's Cube's presence that ultimately sinks XXX: State of the Union. Chubby in build, he's unbelievable as an action star, begging the question: Who the fuck actually thought O'Shea Jackson was the next Wesley Snipes? Or, worse, the next Vin Diesel?
29. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Director: Michael Bay
Stars: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Ramon Rodriguez
Even for a Michael Bay movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is obnoxiously loud and downright soulless. And to think, the first Transformers blockbuster showed how much fun one of the special effects-obsessed director's flicks could be; with its Spielbergian story about a kid and his otherworldly friend and its truly impressive CGI creations, 2007's Transformers had a tad more going for it than just nostalgia for those old Hasbro toys.
With Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, though, Bay delivered an orgy of mindless action and ignorant characterization, the latter distinction most evident in two caricature robots that might as well have been named Step and Fetchit. And just like that, the Michael Bay we all know and love to hate was back in effect.
28. National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006)
Director: Mort Nathan
Stars: Kal Penn, Daniel Percival, Lauren Cohan, Glen Barry
After the success of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle in 2004, the folks behind 2002's National Lampoon's Van Wilder were hoping for an effortless cash-in with The Rise Of Taj, which gave Kal "Kumar" Penn's character top billing in Ryan Reynolds' absence. As ten or eleven people who actually paid to see this idiotic sequel learned, though, Penn is no Reynolds, collapsing under the script's overpowering dumbness.
Basically a lobotomized version of Old School, The Rise of Taj finds Penn at a prestigious university in Britain where he transforms a group of social outcasts into a hard-partying frat. One could even call it a braindead riff on Revenge of the Nerds, or, screw it, Meatballs-light. Just make sure you say that The Rise of Taj gives "derivative" a bad name in the same breath.
27. The Two Jakes (1990)
Director: Jack Nicholson
Stars: Jack Nicholson, Harvey Keitel, Meg Tilly, Madeleine Stowe, Eli Wallach, Ruben Blades
To say that a movie is one of Jack Nicholson's all-time best is really saying something-the man's resume is chock-full of classics. Yet, that's exactly what 1974's Chinatown remains, one of the iconic actor's top movies, mainly due to the superb direction of his fellow cinematic legend Roman Polanski. Set in Los Angeles circa 1937, Chinatown is a dark blend of psychological drama and noir mystery, and its overall excellence earned it an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay, along with ten other nominations.
Chinatown's legacy had long been cemented by 1990, so who actually thought it was a good idea to revisit the material? Without Polanski, we might add? Nicholson himself, that's who. The Two Jakes isn't god-awful; it's merely passable, and when a movie is billed as a sequel to a masterpiece, it better be more than just passable. Nicholson is no Polanski, and it shows in this forgettable rehash.
Uncle Jack reprises his Chinatown character, private eye Jake Gittes, to investigate a case involving homicide and adultery, which is exactly what happened in Polanski's film; this time, however, Gittes uncovers an oil scheme instead of one involving water. Which is metaphoric in a way—The Two Jakes takes something pure and darkens its legacy with thick sludge.
26. Piranha 3DD (2012)
Director: John Gulager
Stars: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner, Chris Zylka, Katrina Bowden, Gary Busey, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd
A tongue-in-cheek horror-comedy with the sexy Danielle Panabaker, an appropriately crazy Gary Busey, a copious amount of fake boob bouncing in three-dimensions, and hundreds of killer fish? You'd think that the unnecessary but, at one point, welcome sequel Piranha 3DD would've been a no-brainer for fans of dumb but fun genre exercises. But you'd be horribly wrong.
Without a single funny joke or an ounce of witty intelligence, this abject failure drowns in stupidity and overboard gratuitousness. It's as if the filmmakers knew their talents were on autopilot and lazily kept adding more breasts and blood, instead of any of the first Piranha 3D's excitement and perverse cleverness. Calling Piranha 3DD a wannabe SyFy network movie would be an insult to the almighty Megashark.
25. The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)
Director: Katt Shea
Stars: Emily Bergl, Jason London, Amy Irving, Dylan Bruno, Zachary Ty Bryan, Rachel Blanchard, Eddie Kaye Thomas
Apparently, the team behind The Rage: Carrie 2 forgot that they were making a horror movie. More of an afterschool special than a scare-show, this worthless, 23-years-later sequel to Brian De Palma's masterful 1976 adaptation of Stephen King's novel Carrie is essentially the same exact movie, only with every ounce of tension drained from its core until the last ten minutes, which are admittedly badass.
But before we get to the high school outcast's telekinetic revenge against her cool-kid tormentors (which includes firepokers through craniums and CDs slicing peoples' throats), there's a whole lot of angsty nonsense and unnecessary flashbacks to the original flick that are used simply to draw a superfluous connection.
In a genre replete with dreadful remakes and gratuitous sequels, The Rage: Carrie 2 is one of the all-time worst. Which, if you think about it, is actually quite an accomplishment.
24. Fletch Lives (1989)
Director: Michael Ritchie
Stars: Chevy Chase, Hal Holbrook, Julianne Phillips, R. Lee Ermey, Randall "Tex" Cobb, Cleavon Little, Richard Belzer
There's a passionate sect of movie lovers who swear by the 1985 comedy Fletch, and for good reason. It's one of Chevy Chase's funniest pics, granting the sly funnyman ample space to drop clever one-liners and ham it up with reckless abandon. In Fletch, he plays an incognito investigative journalist who stumbles upon a drug ring; full of humorous disguises and inane aliases, it's a consistently funny romp that at times also works as a legitimate mystery thriller.
Fletch may be overly silly, but it's an exercise in stone-faced restraint compared to its rancid sequel, Fletch Lives. Chase does little more than act a fool in even more disguises than before, and none of them work; amongst Fletch's lame characters are a drag queen, an uptight nerd wrongfully in a biker bar, and a KKK member. Chase himself seems to be having a blast throughout Fletch Lives. That makes one of us.
23. Teen Wolf Too (1987)
Director: Christopher Leitch
Stars: Jason Bateman, Kim Darby, John Astin, Beth Ann Miller, Mark Holton
In 1985, the lighthearted comedy Teen Wolf performed respectably thanks to Michael J. Fox's post-Back to the Future popularity. Since then, the "high school wolfman" romp has earned a loyal following of folks who either love '80s cheese. But even the movie's biggest fans would be pardoned for being unaware of its sequel's existence; we're pretty sure Teen Wolf Too's star, Jason Bateman, would appreciate the oversight.
Bateman plays the cousin of Fox's character (But of course!) who also gets extra hairy whenever he's aroused, hence the "too" (Get it?). Gone are all of Teen Wolf's charms, as well as the epic shirt worn by sidekick character Stiles (who randomly shows up in Teen Wolf Too) in the first movie, which reads, "What are you looking at, dicknose?" The smallest of details can go a long, long way.
22. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)
Director: Troy Miller
Stars: Derek Richardson, Eric Christian Olsen, Mimi Rogers, Rachel Nichols, Eugene Levy, Cheri Oteri, Luis Guzman
Have you ever watched the hilarious 1994 flick Dumb & Dumberand thought to yourself, "My, what rich mythology the screenwriters have assembled here—I really want to know how this all began." If so, you've got way too much time on your hands, not to mention that you're more "dumber" than "dumb."
Clear-headed fans of the Jim Carrey/Jeff Daniels modern-day doofus classic have pretty much erased the existence of this unwarranted origin story from their minds, but that doesn't change the fact that Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd exists. And the fact that New Line Cinema shamelessly bastardized one of its more beloved properties just to make a quick buck.
The movie's only saving grace is Eric Christian Olsen's rather spot-on Jim Carrey impersonation, but dude is still acting out unfunny sight gags and talking like Carrey with obnoxious dialogue.
21. Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003)
Director: Victor Salva
Stars: Ray Wise, Justin Long, Eric Nenninger, Nicki Aycox, Marieh Delfino
In 2001, the horror community was caught off guard by Jeepers Creepers, an intelligent, well-paced, and inventive monster flick. A huge part of what made the Victor Salva-directed road movie work was its two leads, a brother/sister team (Justin Long and Gina Phillips) that's on screen in nearly every scene and never irritate, a rarity for young horror characters.
Following the old more-is-more approach to genre sequels, Jeepers Creepers 2 tossed a high school basketball team, their coaches and some cheerleaders in the Creeper's path. And-spoiler alert-you'll wish the movie was five minutes long and that Sir Creep would just kill them all in the first scene. Uniformly annoying and clichéd, they gradually get picked off one by one, a narrative progression that foolishly turned the once-methodical Creeper into a tireless slasher. The ugly, freaky bastard deserved better.
20. RoboCop 2 (1990)
Director: Irvin Kershner
Stars: Peter Weller, Nancy Allen, Belinda Bauer, Tom Noonan
Smart in its satire and generous with its gory violence, director Paul Verhoeven's 1987 sci-fi classic RoboCop wowed both critics and audiences. The story, about a fallen Detroit cop who's resurrected as an indestructible cybernetic law enforcer, pays as much attention to the characters and "human" moments as it does the free-flowing anarchy and clever humor. Verhoeven knew when to show restraint, though that awareness of the more intellectual moments never takes away from the overall rollercoaster.
Irvin Kershner, who previously directed The Empire Strikes Back, clearly didn't give a fuck about such self-discipline. In the Kershner-helmed RoboCop 2, bodies endlessly pile up as an assortment of reprehensible characters constantly try to out-vile each other. All of the first movie's fun is caput, and even a returning Peter Weller (as Robocop) gets lost in the nihilistic shuffle. System malfunction, for real.
19. Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985)
Director: Philippe Mora
Stars: Christopher Lee, Sybil Danning, Annie McEnroe, Reb Brown, Marsha A. Hunt
In the pantheon of werewolf movies, 1981's The Howling is one of the best, a satisfyingly gruesome and cleverly funny romp helmed by Gremlins director Joe Dante. Featuring everything from legitimate jump scares to bizarre lycanthrope sex, it's a beloved horror classic, and proof that campiness doesn't always have to be second-rate.
It's basically the polar opposite of the Dante-free sequel, Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, also known as Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch. Good luck deciding which title is more hilariously bad. Not that the movie itself would help the decision-making process with any narrative subtext.
At best, Your Sister is a Werewolf feels like a so-bad-it's-good miscue; mostly, though, it's softcore S&M porn with too much body hair and genre icon Christopher Lee degrading himself with a paycheck role that couldn't have even paid all that much. Might we suggest an additional alternate title: Howling II: Fuck Outta Here.
18. The Ring Two (2005)
Director: Hideo Nakata
Stars: Naomi Watts, Simon Baker, David Dorfman, Elizabeth Perkins, Gary Cole, Daveigh Chase, Sissy Spacek
You couldn't have asked for a more promising start to a horror sequel's production. After the unexpected success of director Gore Verbinski's smart and creepy The Ring, a remake of the Japanese film Ringu, in 2002, it was inevitable that a second dose of Naomi Watts and the haunted video tape would happen. But the producers made genre heads very happy by assigning the sequel's direction to Hideo Nakata, the guy who helmed Ringu and its own sequels.
Unfortunately, they also hired screenwriter Ehren Kruger, whose script for this ultimately putrid enterprise riddles itself with Swiss cheese-like holes when it's not ineffectively rehashing the scariest bits from Verbinski's film. Though, the rest of the film's key players do nothing to better his hack-job of a screenplay. You get the feeling that Watts, who looks either bored or embarrassed throughout, signed onto this waste of time out of a sense of obligation, while Nakata probably wanted to cash an American paycheck for a change. Forget highway robbery—that's international airway theft.
17. Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
Director: Colin and Greg Strause
Stars: Steven Pasquale, John Ortiz, Reiko Aylesworth, Johnny Lewis, Sam Trammell, Kristen Hager
Whoever handled the budget for this abominable follow-up to 2004's passable fanboy-dream-collabo AVP: Aliens Vs. Predator should never work in the town of Hollywood again. Seemingly guided by the old, unwritten "more blood in a sequel" rule, the money-watchers handed over all of the dollars to the makeup effects department, resulting in a gruesome flick with a high body count and some inventive kills.
The problem, however, is that the payoffs are barely visible due to some of the darkest lighting in movie history. Aliens Vs Predator: Requiem, laughably pretentious title aside, is a hodgepodge of gory sequences that look like they're being conducted in the world's biggest unlit closet. On the plus side, the actors' SyFy-worthy acting is less noticeable in such pitch black lighting, but that just makes it more frustrating that you can't even clearly see their lame characters die off in grandiose fashion.
16. Evan Almighty (2007)
Director: Tom Shadyac
Stars: Steve Carell, Morgan Freeman, Lauren Graham, John Goodman, Wanda Sykes, John Michael Higgins, Jonah Hill
When Steve Carell co-starred in the 2003 Jim Carrey vehicle Bruce Almighty, he was just a Daily Show alum looking to make a name for himself in the movie industry. A year later, he appeared in Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy, which continued to push his film career in the right direction. And then came both The 40 Year Old Virgin and NBC's The Office in 2005. By the end of '05, Carell was a full-on movie and TV star.
Naturally, the producers of Bruce Almighty saw numerous dollar signs above the in-demand actor's head, and thought, "Let's make a spinoff/sequel!" But the fools behind the dismal Evan Almighty misunderstood Carell's appeal-he's an everyman that people love to watch in everyday situations, not surrounded by overblown special effects and a high-concept premise.
You can't blame Carell for signing on to this awful idea turned abysmal flop; on paper, it seems like a family-friendly blockbuster. Somewhere else on that piece of paper, though, lay some of the blandest comedy writing imaginable. Though Carell's career didn't exactly suffer as a result, we're pretty sure he'd react like Michael Scott to any further discussion about this expensive debacle.
15. The Hangover Part II (2011)
Director: Todd Phillips
Stars: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Ken Jeong, Jamie Chung, Paul Giamatti, Mason Lee, Justin Bartha, Sasha Barrese, Jeffrey Tambor
The sequel's hefty box office intake, $255 million domestic, says otherwise, but, yes, ladies and gentleman, The Hangover Part II is the worst movie of the year. Why, exactly? Though we'd truthfully need a 1,000 word allotment to fully explain its awfulness, let's give it a condensed shot here.
Ignoring the fat paychecks cashed in by returning stars Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis, as well as director Todd Phillips, the Wolfpack's second misadventure is infuriating on a purely imaginative level. Or lack thereof, since The Hangover Part II regurgitates damn near everything from the original, actually funny 2009 blockbuster. Knowing that the film would make insane amounts of money, Phillips and company basically insulted ticket-buyers worldwide by slogging through a lazy, mean-spirited "comedy" that only aims to stretch itself when plunging into darker territories.
And even those moments of anarchy (such as wacko Alan shooting up a strip club) fall Kate-Moss-flat. It's enough to make us loathe Todd Phillips for his indifference toward matters like creativity and narrative progression. But dude made sick bank off of this money-hoarder of a shitty follow-up, so we're guessing he'll wipe away any tears with fresh Benjamins.
14. The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
Director: Tim Pope
Stars: Vincent Perez, Mia Kirshner, Richard Brooks, Iggy Pop, Thomas Jane
With all due respect to Brandon Lee, the star's death on set from a dummy bullet in 1994's effective Goth thriller The Crow should've signaled the end of this could've-been franchise. It's easy to believe that, had Lee's tragic passing not happened, The Crow was destined for franchise glory; the late son of Bruce Lee certainly gave a charismatic performance worthy of further examination.
Who knows, though, because The Crow: City of Angels is so mind-numbingly bad that Lee himself could've been lost in its crappiness. You can't really blame Vincent Perez, the ill-equipped Swiss actor who took over the role of the vengeful Goth-rock guitarist who's returned from an afterlife where, apparently, The Rocky Horror Picture Show plays on loop.
Shot in darkness and cluttered with every piece of overused apocalyptic imagery, The Crow: City of Angels is a bad Nine Inch Nails music video disguised as a movie, with merely a few outbursts of graphic violence to separate it from something MTV would've confined to Headbanger's Ball.
13. The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)
Director: Martin Weisz
Stars: Daniella Alonso, Jessica Stroup, Jacob Vargas, Flex Alexander, Michael McMillan
One of the best horror remakes of all time, French director Alexandre Aja's 2006 shocker The Hills Have Eyes actually improved upon Wes Craven's 1977 original in every way. The acting is better, the pacing and mood are much tenser, and the script has deeper context. After Aja's redo proved to be a success at the box office, it was only a matter of time before Hollywood, and Craven himself (as a producer and co-writer), spit on the Frenchman's accomplishment.
Try 378 days later. Rushed into production and filled with inept actors, The Hills Have Eyes 2 is the work of uninspired hacks, plus an out-of-touch Craven. The movie's entire wretchedness is encapsulated in its most ridiculous scene: As one of the "good guys" is trying to take a dump in a Porta John, hands grab at his crotch from within the can, while the same exact music used in Aja's flick (to infinitely greater effect) is heard.
Meaning, The Hills Have Eyes 2 is a piece of shit that reaches for scares but merely grabs junk.
12. Grease 2 (1982)
Director: Patricia Birch
Stars: Maxwell Caulfield, Michelle Pfeiffer, Adrian Zmed, Christopher McDonald
Sequels, in their purest form, exist to further delve into an overarching mythology or continue a character's intricate life story. And then there are needless celluloid-wasters such as Grease 2, a follow-up to the classic 1978 musical flick starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John.
Once again set in Rydell High, Grease 2 features an all new crew of light-footed seniors as they communicate through song and break out in choreography, just because that's how they did it during Travolta's year. Except that, in this case, the performances (including that of a young Michelle Pfeiffer) are terribly exaggerated, the songs are forgettable at best, and the whole thing stinks of familiarity. Grease 2 makes High School Musical 2 seem like a Francis Ford Coppola-directed sequel.
11. Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)
Director: John Landis
Stars: Dan Aykroyd, John Goodman, Joe Morton, B.B. King, Frank Oz, Walter Levine
Two years before he fatally succumbed to drugs, beloved Saturday Night Live alum John Belushi teamed up with Dan Aykroyd for The Blues Brothers, an undeniable comedy classic. Together, Belushi and Aykroyd formed one of the better comedic duos of our time, arguably up there alongside the likes of Laurel and Hardy and Abbott and Costello.
When Belushi passed away in 1982, everyone thought that the Blues Brothers had gone along with him, and rightfully so. Resurrecting the Brothers without him seemed like sacrilege; well, not to Aykroyd and director John Landis, who both felt it was a good idea to modernize the characters eighteen years after the fact.
The result: a lazy, unfunny, and rather insulting regurgitation of the 1980 flick. To compensate for Belushi's absence, they came up with a plot that found Akroyd reconnecting with old friends, played by John Goodman and Joe Morton. They could've done some "We are the World" shit and Blues Brothers 2000 would still reek.
10. 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
Director: John Singleton
Stars: Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Eva Mendes, Devon Aoki, Ludacris, James Remar, Michael Ealy
What's worse—that 2 Fast 2 Furious made us miss Vin Diesel (who passed on this sequel to 2001's The Fast and the Furious), or that its director, John Singleton, is the same guy who once wrote and directed an American movie classic, Boyz N the Hood? It's a toss-up, really.
There's more characterization and depth in any two minutes of Boyz N the Hood than in the entirety of this too-cool-for-school sequel, a shallow affair favoring tricked-out cars and sexy girls over anything resembling a compelling narrative. Granted, The Fast and the Furious wasn't a thinking man's movie, either, but at least there was some attempt to create a world of flesh-and-blood characters.
In the terribly named 2 Fast 2 Furious, Singleton gives the audience little credit. It's as if he thought the first movie's fans only showed up for the cars and hip-hop beats, so he just gorged on both—OK, so he did actually understand the demographic, but he overlooked one all-important detail: Paul Walker is one of cinema's least engaging leads. The whips might be cool, but Walker and the equally dull Tyrese Gibson are still the dudes riding them.
9. The Hills Have Eyes II (1985)
Director: Wes Craven
Stars: Tamara Stafford, Michael Berryman, Kevin Spirtas, John Bloom, Peter Frachette
In 1977, Wes Craven followed up his controversial horror debut, The Last House on the Left, with a film that was a bit inferior yet still full of shocks: The Hills Have Eyes. With that one-two punch, Craven quickly earned the trust of terror movie fans, an audience he further pleased with 1984's A Nightmare On Elm Street. But in '85, however, dude needed some extra cash. So what'd he do? Completely shit on both his rep and one of his best works.
Don't just take our word for it; Craven himself has denounced the god-awful sequel, a mess that squanders every shock and bit of tension from its predecessor and inserts a dog flashback, overdone gore, and heroes on dirt bikes. There's a thin connecting thread (this one's protagonist is one of the first movie's survivors), but that only makes The Hills Have Eyes 2 even more abhorrent; Craven would've been better off entirely disconnecting the sequel from the '77 cult classic. And keep the dog's flashback, because, really, we just don't see enough of those in movies.
8. Caddyshack II (1988)
Director: Allan Arkush
Stars: Chevy Chase, Jackie Mason, Robert Stack, Dyan Cannon, Jonathan Silverman, Randy Quaid
Within circles of comedy junkies, a mere mention of Caddyshack II is enough to make someone want to drive a golf club into the side of the speaker's head. Following up a heralded and hilarious classic can't be easy, but there needs to be at least some effort; yet, with this asinine sequel, returning co-writer Harold Ramis rapes his original script for everything it's worth, without having any of the key stars (Rodney Dangerfield and Bill Murray) there to save his ass. Well, Chevy Chase comes back for a minor appearance, but he might as well have stayed home.
Though nothing about Caddyshack II works, the flick's most grating performer is hands down Dan Aykroyd, who's on board to essentially do a lesser version of Murray's manic, gopher-hunting lunatic character. It's an overdone performance that, much like Caddyshack II as a whole, is not only uninspired, it's also unbearable.
7. Be Cool (2005)
Director: F. Gary Gray
Stars: John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Vince Vaughn, Cedric The Entertainer, Harvey Keitel, Dwayne Johnson, Andre Benjamin, Danny Devito, James Woods, Christina Milian
Be Cool is especially despicable if you, like us, have an affinity for hip-hop; a completely out-of-touch satire about the music industry, this sequel to the 1995 Elmore Leonard adaptation Get Shorty so obviously wants to earn street cred that its title should've been tweaked into B Coo.
John Travolta returns as Chili Palmer, a loan shark/hustler who looks to make his mark in the record game after conquering Hollywood in Get Shorty, and he's joined by an ensemble of formulaic characters. Among the movie's biggest travesties are Andre Benjamin's awkward turn as a stereotypical jersey-wearing thug and Vince Vaughn's excruciating "wigger" character.
F. Gary Gray, a spotty director at his worst here, should've known better; having directed solid videos for Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, and Jay-Z, Gray needed to put the kibosh on Be Cool's clichéd presentation of the music world. Or at least find room for one funny joke within the dreary movie's 120-minute running time.
6. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)
Director: Joe Berlinger
Stars: Jeffrey Donovan, Kim Director, Erica Leerhsen, Tristine Skyler, Stephen Barker Turner
The term "cash-in" is often used when describing bad movie sequels, but Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is arguably the descriptor's most infuriating example.
Rushed into theaters a year after the record-breaking success of The Blair Witch Project, this ambitious yet lame-brained misfire bears absolutely no resemblance to its found-footage originator. Shot as a traditional film (and not in shaky camcorder style), Book of Shadows finds a crazy man leading a Blair Witch tour, on which he and his four "customers" fall asleep by a campfire, wake up without any recollection of what happened the night before, and quickly head to early graves.
And that's about as streamlined of a plot synopsis as you'll ever find from someone who's actually seen the movie. Director Joe Berlinger (a respected documentarian who failed miserably in his Hollywood debut here) and the screenwriters stuff this turkey with endless dream sequences, flashbacks, and slasher movie motifs that mystify more than terrify.
Had they simply called it Book of Shadows, no one would've ever thought it was a Blair Witch tie-in, since there's nothing at all similar between the two movies. Money talks louder than common sense, though.
5. Son of the Mask (2005)
Director: Lawrence Guterman
Stars: Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming, Kal Penn, Steven Wright, Ben Stein, Traylor Howard
Easily one of the most unnecessary sequels ever made, Son of the Mask exists for no good reason whatsoever. We're willing to overlook how badly the movie rips off the mythology of Marvel Comics' Thor, with a mythical villain named Loki and his father Odin. Hell, we'll even ignore the 11-year gap in between 1994's Jim Carrey-led The Mask and this late-in-the-game follow-up. And the simple fact that Son of the Mask has not one funny moment in it.
The real crime committed by Son of the Mask's producers was thinking that another installment could be made without Carrey, who pretty much owned the original from end to end. Even worse, they tapped the always electrifying Jamie Kennedy (ha ha) as his successor. To call that a "downgrade" would be giving the Malibu's Most Wanted actor too much credit.
4. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Director: Andy and Lana Wachowski
Stars: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving, Monica Bellucci, Harold Perrineau, Jada Pinkett Smith
The Wachowski brothers certainly had their hands full with The Matrix Reloaded, the first of two sequels released in 2003, four years after The Matrix pretty much revolutionized cinema and reenergized the science fiction genre. Dropping two movies back to back was a daring move, no doubt, but the ambitious plan ultimately backfired.
Though The Matrix Revolutions is by far the worst of the trilogy, The Matrix Reloaded set the stinky precedent with its multitude of problems. Keanu Reeves, whose dialogue was wisely kept to shorter passages in the first movie, delivers a series of overlong monologues filled with pretentious jargon; the grandiose action sequences, while admittedly impressive, are too lengthy, with the Wachowski deflating their own stylistic highs before each one is even over; and whole mythology, so delicately introduced in The Matrix becomes a convoluted mess.
The Wachowskis thought they had the next Star Wars; someone in Hollywood should've reminded them that George Lucas turned himself into a fanboy pariah through overindulgence.
3. Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
Director: Michael Caton-Jones
Stars: Sharon Stone, David Morrissey, David Thewlis, Hugh Dancy, Neil Maskell, Charlotte Rampling
If not for Sharon Stone's presence, Basic Instinct 2 would've been just another straight-to-DVD non-event, likely co-starring a Lindsay Lohan type and shown on Cinemax late at night. And multiplexes worldwide would've been much safer.
But some under-qualified producers and financiers mistook the calendar's 2006 for 1996. Thinking that Sharon Stone was still a bankable star, this mind-numbing sequel's backers operated under the pretense that fans of erotic thrillers were clamoring for Stone to once again grab the ice pick used in 1992's smutty triumph Basic Instinct.
The dilemma: By 2006, has-been Stone's forced "sexiness" was shameful, not seductive. Saddled with a campy plot and one of those painfully ludicrous twist endings, Stone's bid for a comeback was a career killer of the sleaziest kind.
2. Staying Alive (1983)
Director: Sylvester Stallone
Stars: John Travolta, Finola Hughes, Cynthia Rhodes, Steve Inwood
No, that's not a misprint—the sequel to the disco drama Saturday Night Fever was directed, not to mention co-written, by Sly Stallone, he of Rambo and Rocky infamy. That's not unlike hiring Jason Statham to helm the next Step Up flick. Actually, it's probably worse. Much, much worse.
Coming off of the macho and immensely badass First Blood, Stallone must've felt the desire to shatter perceptions and craft something totally against type; John Travolta, the first movie's returning star, must've been high.
Together, they combined for what's essentially Rocky Balboa: The Flamboyant Years, a poorly written dud that stuck Travolta's Tony Manero in some of the most horrific song-and-dance numbers this side of Satan's discotheque (you know he has one down there).
1. Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
Director: Jan de Bont
Stars: Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, Colleen Camp, Tamia
For all of the flack Keanu Reeves receives about his vapid acting, we've got to give the man some credit: He was smart enough to forego Speed 2: Cruise Control, the horrendous sequel to 1994's action sensation Speed, one of the actor's best movies. One could imagine that Reeves read the idea-less script and said, "Didn't I make this exact movie three years ago?" Preceded by a "Whoa," of course.
Sandra Bullock wasn't as wise as your boy Keanu, though, voluntarily associating herself with not only one of the worst sequels ever made, but one of the worst "event" movies ever conceived. Instead of a speeding bus, Speed 2: Cruise Control features an out-of-control ocean liner, but that's where the switch-ups end. As returning director Jan de Bont calls the shots, Bullock reprises her original character, and she's paired with a wooden and woefully miscast leading man a la Reeves (this time it's Jason Patric), while Willem Dafoe does his worst impersonation of Dennis Hopper's terrorist/villain from the '94 flick.
The whole thing leads up to an elaborate finale in which more innocent shipboard passengers die than get saved, though, naturally, Patric and Bullock emerge from the wreckage with pulses intact. The nameless corpses are the lucky ones.