Image via Complex Original
As a black woman, I often find myself asking how race and gender have affected my life. Did the bartender just ignore me because he thinks I don't tip? Was I hired because there are no black women on staff? Will I come off as an "angry black woman" if I speak candidly about this controversial topic? Are these people racist? The list goes on. Presently, the question on my mind is this: All of my friends are getting married and I'm not. Why?
Statistics show that I am not the only black woman dealing with this situation. Black women between the ages of 25 and 29 are less likely to be married than other groups. There are many instances where this isn't the case, of course, but it is currently a reality for me. This is a reality for another group as well—Asian men are also less likely to be married than their female counterparts.
Black women and Asian men should start marrying each other in droves. Problem solved! Not really. That we continue to aspire to marriage—an institution invented purely for financial purposes—and look at people who are not married as if they have some sort of stain on their character is the real problem. That's the issue that needs to be widely discussed and studied by social scientists.
I am not a social scientist, but I do have Asian friends. Preston Chaunsumlit was identified by Gawker and New York magazine as a "normcore" icon recently, but he is also a brilliant observer of how race is portrayed in popular culture. He is the star of Model Files, a casting director, comedian, and self-professed "dick with opinions." He and I chatted about this subject over lunch. Read on to find out how a black woman and Asian man feel about marriage, race, and being the other.
Let's break the ice and talk about Normcore.
How does it feel being a "normcore" icon?
I enjoy the label. Just like anything, it’s more about what we’re going to be talking about later in our conversation. It’s a label. Stick it on, whether you do it yourself or other people do it, you can take it off. The normcore thing will die out, but it was written [the article] towards a certain reader. Before the article came out, I was mistaken for a delivery man. I was not mistaken for your middle American tourist, as the article said.
It’s kind of '90s minimalism. It never went away because it works. It’s good, it’s functional, it’s discreet. You can play it up, you can play it down. It’s flexible. The greater explanation is that it’s a way for us to connect. I think that’s really synonymous with the Internet. We’re really connected. Everything is really customized. We’re individuals but at the end of the day we’re just hits. We’re anonymous trolls commenting. I think it’s more of a resistance to being a walking brand. But I’m a good person, does that mean anything? No. If my brand presents me as a good person it means a lot more and it’s a lot more commercially valuable.
Race is a label, too.
How do labels affect us on a more personal level?
You’re Black. If you get angry because someone’s an asshole to you, you ask yourself: “Am I being an angry Black woman?” Whereas your White counterpart would be like, “Am I being a bitch?” Yours just has a racial attachment to it. That was the label that was put on to you. It’s what you do with that label, how you use that label, that is what people of color in general have to think about when they want to navigate a life—getting a job, getting that lease, getting a loan, getting that marriage, getting that promotion, getting into the club.
It's just harder for black women and Asian men.
Why do you think black women and Asian men find themselves in this situation where they are not considered to be desirable partners?
In terms of casting, it’s harder for Black women to get those jobs and it’s hard for Asian men to get those jobs because it’s a question of "are they considered attractive, are they approachable?" A lot of the times they’re only presented in ways in which they’re "otherized." Or presented as tropes. “It’s a Chinatown story, let’s get a Chinese guy.” “It’s a Grace Jones story, let’s get a Black girl in here.” “She’s not dark enough. Oh, paint her black.” Even though she’s already Black. There’s that thing in fashion where they’re just there to sell magazines or sell product. The thing is, I think that happens in the real world.
Yeah, and I think it’s influenced by our culture and media and our history. That’s why I think it’s really important to have images of diversity in my line of work and start a dialogue. Fashion itself is not responsible for this. They keep doing it because it works.
On Asian men and black women dating.
Why don’t African-American women and Asian men date each other?
The thing is I think they actually do, specifically in the younger generation with the Internet. They’re exposed to a lot more. Meaning, the media has changed. It’s not that foreign to like that girl who’s sexy and she’s in all the music videos and she’s black. It’s not that weird to date someone that looks like that Korean pop star that you love. Asian men and Black women do date, can date, and will date.
Let's talk about swirling for a minute.
Do you think that swirling is the answer to all of our problems about race and marriage/dating?
Swirl. Is that what you call interracial dating? I would say be yourself, just like with anything. Find common interests, get to know each other. In the words of a great pop star, “If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again.” I personally don’t believe in marriage. If you want to do it, it’s great. Why do people get married? The idea of marrying for happiness and love is, again, a post-Industrial Revolution idea. It coincides with economy. At the end of the day, traditionally marriage is usually about two families. It was a business deal. It was a merger.
If you are going to swirl: Don’t date a Black chick because you’re into Hip Hop. For you cocoa buttered girls out there, don’t date him because you want to learn Chinese or you like his straight hair.
On black women dating black men.
What about black women dating black men. Any thoughts?
I think Black women are willing to have a Black man if he’s around—when he’s not busy going after an Asian or White girl, or a "Spanish girl."
On online dating and the Asian community.
NPR reported that Asian women are less likely to respond to OKCupid message from Asian men than they are from White men. Why do you think that is?
Your average person on OKCupid is not in poverty, I don’t think any of them are particularly rich. You’re talking about your middle-of-the-road, ideal, friendly, definitely college-educated population. I think with any immigrant population in America, your first priority is to assimilate. You want to get into that average because you’re starting off as an outsider. You want to marry into what's normal. You want to date into that. That’s when it gets ugly. That’s when Asian women would be competing with other Asian women for white men. Asian men aren’t in the equation.
The power of the Internet to help fight racism.
How does the Internet play into all of this?
I love the power of the Internet. Not only are you getting to see images you wouldn’t normally see before, but people who normally wouldn’t be able to see anything can see things. On the Internet, a wealthy white person’s voice is just as important as an impoverished Black person’s voice.
The future is bright.
What's next? What should we be talking about in terms of race relations and dating in 2014?
I have hope for the young people. I think they are a lot more open minded. I think they are much more conscience of race. I think they’re almost on their way to being post racial. I think they can call each other racial slurs and it’s okay. Almost. We’re not post-racial yet, so it still makes me uncomfortable. Like when Miley Cyrus was slapping her dancers on television, it made me feel uncomfortable. But then the young people just see it as they see the Internet. It’s like Tumblr. You keep scrolling down until you find something worth clicking on.
In conclusion.
Don't let anyone tell you who you should be with or love.