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NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! [extreme Ilana Wexler voice]
If you've been following Broad City as closely as we have been for the past three seasons, you've fallen madly, deeply in love with the pairing of Ilana and Lincoln. While the two were never particularly serious or monogamous, they've always seemed well matched, enjoyed each other's insane company, and were very into one another sexually [also extreme Ilana voice].
We've long known that Lincoln was probably, definitely more invested in Ilana than she was in him—he's gone to dog weddings, happily aided Abbi, driven Ilana to get HPV shots, and has always been admirably respectful of her feelings about the patriarchy. Meanwhile, Ilana has forgotten about Lincoln's birthday and trapeze school graduation, and has never met his friends. She obviously cares about him, but she's always taken more from him than she probably realized.
Earlier in season three, we learned that Lincoln has been sleeping with someone else, an activity Ilana encouraged. But in tonight's episode "Burning Bridges," Lincoln finally hit Ilana with some truth—he wants to be monogamous, with this other girl, because Ilana has made it very clear how incapable she is of monogamy. On top of that, he doesn't even want to be friends anymore.
We're just as heartbroken as Ilana is, so we wanted to revisit some of our favorite moments of Ilana and Lincoln, the way they were.
When Lincoln fixed Ilana's tooth
Episode: "Pu$$y Weed" (Season 1, Episode 2)
What It Said About Their Relationship: Lincoln wants to help Ilana out in the best way he can, even when she protests.
So, when Ilana (very stupidly) broke her tooth on a jawbreaker, she headed to Lincoln's dentist office and he offered to fix it for free! That's a $1,400 gift right there. Ilana vaguely protested the oral surgery—you can sense some statement about being a "kept woman" rest on the tip of her tongue—but eventually thanked Lincoln with a makeout session and, as always, by trying to get Abbi involved.
When Lincoln attended Abbi's art show (and comforted Ilana when she looked awful)
Episode: “The Lockout” (Season 1, Episode 4)
What It Said About Their Relationship: Lincoln is perhaps, the most ride or die casual hookup of all time.
This man showed up to support his kinda-girlfriend's friend at her art show—something that no sex friend would ever, ever need to do. And after a horrendous day of being locked out, maced, and creeped on, Ilana and Abbi looked fucking awful. But as always, Lincoln was endlessly kind. Even when he saw Ilana eating a garbage bagel, he comforted her and reminded her, "PKW—Phone, Keys, Wallet," being the common sense Ilana desperately needs.
When they smashed their faces into cakes
Episode: “Stolen Phone” (Season 1 , Episode 6)
What It Said About Their Relationship: Ilana and Lincoln are incredibly, incredibly comfortable together.
THEY. SMASHED. THEIR. FACES. INTO. CAKES. TOGETHER. Enough said.
When Lincoln rented a huge truck to transport Ilana and co. to a wedding
Episode: “Destination Wedding” (Season 1, Episode 8)
What It Said About Their Relationship: Pretty much every entry on this list proves Lincoln's dependability and Ilana's flightiness.
When Ilana, Lincoln, Abbi, and others struck out on pretty much every single mode of transportation in an attempt to get to a wedding, guess who came through? Since our broad is under 25, Lincoln stepped up to rent a comically large moving van to get the crew to said wedding. He even massaged Ilana's immediate "sugar daddy" reaction away before she could even say it.
If that look she gives him isn't love, then what is?
When Lincoln helped Abbi find an apartment
Episode: “Apartment Hunters” (Season 1, Episode 9)
What It Said About Their Relationship: Lincoln not only cares about Ilana, but cares about the well-being of her BFF.
Abbi and Lincoln do have a friendship outside of Ilana, but again, a man in his position has no reason to go help his hookup's friend look for apartments, a task that even the best of friends or family may not touch. But Lincoln's a standup dude, and he just wanted to make sure that Abbi didn't get murdered by a Craigslist killer, and ensure that Ilana wouldn't immediately perish upon the loss of Abbi.
When Ilana didn't know it was Lincoln's birthday
Episode: “In Heat” (Season 2, Episode 1)
What It Said About Their Relationship: That, uh, tonight's development sadly isn't that surprising.
While Ilana is totally into Lincoln, she's not the most lucid when it comes to things very obviously happening around her—i.e. Lincoln's birthday, his pasta blog, etc. But in this episode, we did also find out that they met at a Foot Locker in Times Square where Ilana, in Lincoln's words, "was just hangin' out, not buying anything."
When Ilana gave Lincoln a boner with her "old person" torso
Episode: “Wisdom Teeth” (Season 2, Episode 3)
What It Said About Their Relationship: That they could be very weird and open with their sex life.
Sexual compatibility is important to any relationship, so if Ilana can turn Lincoln on by contorting her torso into an old person face, that's pretty big. As Lincoln said, "I never thought an old people face would make me hard. That's nice to know." Look at these two, learning new things about themselves, together.
When they couldn't find a place to hook up on the booze cruise
Episode: “Citizen Ship” (Season 2, Episode 7)
What It Said About Their Relationship: That they have a hard time keeping their hands off each other (well, maybe that's just Ilana).
Ilana and Lincoln searched the boat high and low to find a place to go to the bone-zone, and once again, Ilana tried to get them involved in a threesome. (It's worth noting that this bit of PDA is spurned on by Ilana's first freakout over being too monogamist with Lincoln.) Thankfully they found a place, leaving enough time for Ilana to grab Lincoln's dick while they romantically passed by the Statue of Liberty.
When Ilana supported Lincoln at his trapeze graduation
Episode: “2 Chainz” (Season 3, Episode 1)
What It Said About Their Relationship: Even though she's frustratingly forgetful, Ilana still will go to great lengths to be there for support Lincoln.
Even though Ilana forgot about Lincoln's big trapeze-flying moment, inspired by a Sex and the City viewing, at least she got there with time to spare. And she made sure her hat said "Lincoln" on it. Wearing bae's name on your person is a pretty big statement. But Lincoln one-upped Ilana by reminding her, once again: PKW! This time, it was because Ilana had a huge bike chain locked and wrapped around her waist. And in the end, he respected her choice to solve the problem on her own.
When Lincoln drove Ilana to the doctor and packed her a comforting gingerblunt man
Episode: “Co-Op” (Season 3, Episode 2)
What It Said About Their Relationship: Lincoln intuitively knew what Ilana needed before she did.
Lincoln seemed to sense how incredibly nervous Ilana was about her doctor's appointment, before she even recognized it—and he was prepared for the circumstances. This guy packed her a full picnic and a gingerblunt man (with real honey!) to ensure her hunger and calm her nerves.
RIP, Ilana and Lincoln. This new woman is a lucky girl.
